First story feedback

[Eastofengland]

Would love some feedback please, 3.8/5 so far but only one comment, looking to start a pt2

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

I got home, my girlfriend wasn't home for another hour or so, I got some food ready and sat down for a break and some internet surfing, I wanted my big boob fill for the day, I got to my favourite website, a few nice new pics from girls I follow, then a chat box pops up with a cute mature very busty bimbo, it just says hi, I close the pop up, i dont want distractions interrupting my me time, a minute later another one pops up, hi, lets chat. Most porn sites have annoying pop up windows on them, you click on them and it takes you to a site full of more links and just a complete waste of your time.

Are you aware that this is ONE sentence? I know there is a period after "hi, lets chat", but I assume that is part of the quote. Which brings me to my next point: Why are there no quotes around a quoted text?

If I can give you one advice, it's to stop writing like you're telling me a story right after snorting a too long line of coke. Breath from time to time. Don't throw bullet points at the reader.

Fuck, how did they know that, is this some overseas conman who's hacked my account?

Your MC just learned that he put his phone number into his pubic profile. EVERYONE reading this will have thought "Wow. That's stupid. Better delete that." Which your MC does. But instead of then thinking that whoever is texting him might have expected this action (like everyone else), your MC immediately thinks he deals with a hacker?

And that kinda sets the mood for the entire story. It feels contrived.

Why would he meet her in the first place, when she really didn't give him any viably reason to?
Why does he complain about her blackmailing him, if he knew from the start that this would probably be their goal and went along with it anyway?
Why is he wearing pants under his pants?

I just hope that, in part 2, you don't reveal that the blackmailer is working with his girlfriend. That would make your work also predictable.

 

[countdowntolov3]

The feedback you've got here already is really good and important. You should pay attention to it. Especially the stuff about sentence construction. Even if you don't want to write fiction, you'll benefit from having people take you seriously when writing emails and stuff.

But I thought you might like to hear that you have good instincts for suspense. Despite it being difficult to read, the first half of your story was enticing as you ratcheted up the concern the main character was feeling. I think if you can get your grammar under control you can write a really compelling buildup!

I did feel that the second half of your story once he meet the woman was not as strong. If I can be so bold as to make a guess, I would guess that maybe you rushed writing the part in the hotel room? It all just happens too fast. The main character puts up more resistance to receiving a text message from an unknown number than cheating on his girlfriend, you know?

 

[gunhilltrain]

Also, if want feedback, please link the story in your message. We can find you, say, by using the "adult people" search feature, but why slow it down?