First story feedback

[mmarfox]

After years of reading stories off of Literotica, I finally submitted a story, and it has been published. Although the theme and scene won’t be for everyone, feedback on the style, grammar, flow, etc would be appreciated. Link below, and thank you in advance.

https://literotica.com/s/chill-night-out

PS, this story is fiction, but it is based on a true story from an ex of mine. I plan to submit more of the stories I’ve accumulated over the years that are all either true or based on true stories all from my personal life. Enjoy

 

[yowser]

First of all, congratulations on a first story, always good to take the plunge, put it all out there.

I am taking two pieces of info at face value, that you are male and that what you are offering up is based on true events. Obviously I am not in a position to evaluate, but what I may say may come to bear on these two axioms you present.

Whether you are male or not, it comes across as a sort of male lesbian fantasy. Maybe based on true events, but a good deal of the last half of the story doesn't register as real, or at least presents itself as realistic. Maybe dom-types do go to pickup bars equipped with hefty strap-on apparatus (all manner of things happen in real life) but it comes off as contrived. At the least it could have been presented better. Nothing wrong with writing fantasies rather than stories (which have more a beginning, middle and end, with an emotional arc to the characters that pulls in readers) - fantasies make up a huge percentage of Lit's offerings. If that's your goal, then much of what I say will not be helpful, so understand that appropriately.

But if you aim for improved writing:

Strengths: some good descriptions, movement begins fairly early and escalates, both good qualities. Overall mechanics are above average, but another editing pass and a little care would improve matters considerably. (I'll put 'problem' sentences and phrasing at the end, I suspect you may spot their weaknesses if read out of context.)

Weaknesses: a lot of trite and stereotypical wordings and descriptions. (Forgive me for announcing one of my own gag-reflexes, you are hardly the only offender here, but if I hear 'perky' applied to breasts or bottoms one more time...)

I am not fond of the rape-type treatment in sex, but I know some folks get off on it. Really could have done without the 'predator-prey' theme, which you overdo in a major way (I'll include some sentences in the 'problem' samples.)

Dialog needs some work, it is one of the harder parts of fiction to get right. Many sentences don't come off as the kind that folks would have spoken in a bar.

Escalation of the sexual tension happens fast (which admittedly some readers enjoy) but I think if you had found a way to draw the tension out a bit more, it would have made a better narration.

I think a general observation is that showing more and telling less is good. Here's one example:

The tension between them built rapidly.

(can you give us a visual here? more about body language, arched eyebrows, skin tension? any of those is better than just the assertion.)

So, sorry not more positive, there is some work to do, and writing is hard work, no doubt about it. Sounds like you have some backstories and events to furnish you with lots of material, so no trouble on the idea front. If you can turn these into narrations that move, ones that make readers interested in and caring for your characters, improvement will come and you will have some good results.

Good luck.
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Trite:

She was fit with firm assets that any guy would die to get their meaty hands on.

Her panties were flooded with her sweet juices.

Overdone:

Brooke was moist the moment she saw her, and this women could tell. She was a hunter, and Brooke was her prey.

Dia was homing in on prey, and Brooke was falling into her trap.

..to assert dominance over her prey.

Brooke was a trapped animal.

(Okay, enough already, one mention was plenty.)

Awkward/problems/need work:

Brooke re-focused on Dia and came back to the present of what was in front of her.

Brooke then noticed restroom up ahead

she had only been with a hand full of women in her life.

Brooke just so happen to lock eyes with one of these women.

Dia drank in the sight on this hot, tight, newbie lesbian slut bent over in front of her, ready to receive whatever it was Dia decided to give he.

 

[mmarfox]

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. After more consideration, I’ll be pulling the story and May re-submit at a later time with many changes and a submission under a different category.

 

[mmarfox]

Alright, so I’ve revised the story based on feedback I received. I corrected typos, cleaned up the writing and made the story flow much better (in my opinion). Also changed the category to Non-Con seeing as many people thought it better fit that category than Lesbian.

Issue now is it’s been over two weeks since I resubmitted the story, and it’s still sitting as “pending”. Anyone have issues with a resubmitted story taking two weeks or more to be published?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Assuming you did the changes as an Edit, be aware that edits to existing stories are low priority for the site editor, so two weeks is long, but not unusual.

 

[mmarfox]

Assuming you did the changes as an Edit, be aware that edits to existing stories are low priority for the site editor, so two weeks is long, but not unusual.

I had the orignal story removed, and the revised version is a new submission

 

[ElectricBlue]

I had the orignal story removed, and the revised version is a new submission

Ahh, I see. I wonder if it was treated as an Edit?

Try sending a PM to Laurel. She won't reply, but you might see the story change status and be on its way.

 

[Bazzle]

@electricblue66 i've had an edit of my Watching Her story in pending since the 26/08 or 08/26 depending on you read it...edits are definitely low priority!

 

[mmarfox]

Is her name just Laurel for when I search for her handle? I submitted the revised story on the 22nd of August

 

[ElectricBlue]

Is her name just Laurel for when I search for her handle? I submitted the revised story on the 22nd of August

Yes, Laurel

 

[mmarfox]

Yes, Laurel

Thank you. I’ll give that a try.

 

[MajorRewrite]

I haven’t read your story yet, but I’d advise against even hinting that a story is true. That instantly causes many readers to mentally push back, “It’s not true. Don’t pretend it’s true.” I call it the Penthouse Letters effect. Don’t give your readers a reason to oppose you right from the start. The goal is to draw them into the story, not put up a mental barrier.

 

[mmarfox]

I haven’t read your story yet, but I’d advise against even hinting that a story is true. That instantly causes many readers to mentally push back, “It’s not true. Don’t pretend it’s true.” I call it the Penthouse Letters effect. Don’t give your readers a reason to oppose you right from the start. The goal is to draw them into the story, not put up a mental barrier.

To me, a story is even more interesting if it’s true or based on something true. To each their own. Thanks for the feedback.