First Story, Feedback sought!

[sugoionna09]

Hello All,

This is one of my first posts to the forums as well as my first story on the Lit site. I'm looking for some feedback on my story which I called I can make you love me Ch. 1. Below you'll find the link to this first part of what I hope will be a three part piece. It's a lesbian story so if that offends please don't hurt yourself .

Thanks in advance for your help!

Sugoionna

http://www.literotica.com/s/i-can-make-you-love-me-ch-01

 

[laffalot]

Congrats on your first story. I read it and I thought it was a sexy little piece of erotica. Nicely done for your first story. I won't attempt to give you pointers for your next story, as I'm just an amateur writer myself. I'm sure that someone more qualified than myself will give you some hints. I also wouldn't worry about offending anyone with a lesbian story. If someone is easily offended they shouldn't be reading erotica. My advice to you, if you care, is to keep writing. You are already growing a fan base by the looks of the comments you have gotten.

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

I would say there is too much going on at the start. The first three paragraphs seem irrelevant. Cut out, or limit, George's perspective and the Blonde's perspective and just focus on Lana and Kelly. Also, interest stems from conflict or drama. There isn't much drama in two lovers reuniting.

Keep on writing!

 

[2981notrohrm]

It looks like a lot of the drama that I perceive just seems to be the head games being played; go into more detail on those.

Also, I trust there is intent to write another chapter. Stories that have "Part 1" or "Chapter 1" in them and then never get to the second part drive me crazy.

 

[PennLady]

Some mechanics, first --

Your dialogue punctuation is often incorrect, and I see this a lot. You wrote: "They weren't covering much to begin with." Lana said. There should be a comma after the word with, because there is a dialogue attribution following it. If you were saying "he said" or "the guy said," then "he" or "the" would be lower case. Even if the spoken statement is a question, or exclamation, which means ? or ! instead of a comma, the dialogue tag would still be "he said," "she said," etc.

Here are some other examples:

"Let's go out tonight," said John.
"Let's go out tonight," the man said.
"Let's go out tonight," she said.
"Let's go out tonight." John looked over at her.
"Let's go out tonight." He leaned on the counter.

For the last two, there is a period before the quotes instead of a comma because there is no dialogue attribution, that is, no "he said" or "John said."

A lot of the time, there should be commas before a person's name or title, especially in dialogue. You left those out. So it should be written:

"Hello, Ms. Mishima."
"Where to, ladies?"
"The Huntington, please, George."

Also, when you write things like "she said looking over her shoulder," there should be a comma after "said."

I think it's commonly written "Hotlanta," but there are probably other ways of writing it.

You constantly referred to the desk clerk at the hotel as "the blonde." First, it would be "blond," no e, because it's a guy (blonde is the feminine). Since he was the only guy there, you could use "he" more often, or "the man" or "the clerk" or -- since he probably wore a name tag -- his name. The repetition of "the blonde" was annoying because it was wrong, plus it's boring to see the same words all the time.

The description at the beginning was fine, although it has that laundry list quality. I think it might have been better, or more fun, to read those details as the story goes along. Lana could stand up while waiting for Kelly and note that nearly everyone else is shorter than she is. When Kelly arrives, she could note the height difference, or Kelly could comment on it or something like that. But when you just drop all the height measurements, hair color, etc., it's dull.

For the story itself, I can't say I found it too arousing, but that's not your fault. I'm sure a lot of people will. But part of the reason is that I found a few things either wrong, or just too outlandish. Or perhaps it's that for all that this is two women apparently in love and having sex, there's a lot of exhibitionism going on.

The bit with the desk clerk just didn't work for me. Two lesbians in what appears to be a steady if not committed relationship, in the middle of the day, at what apparently is a high-class hotel, just out of nowhere start putting on a show for this guy? Then later, Lana apologizes for "being rude?"

If this is part of their relationship, okay, but it might be good to get a few hints somewhere.

I guess -- and I'm not a lesbian myself -- that whole situation seems more like what a guy wishes lesbians would do in front of him, and not so much how lesbians would really conduct themselves. Even in a fantasy.

Sorry, I don't mean to be down on everything. The characters are fine so far but there's not much to go on. We don't know much about Lana or Kelly except how much they like having sex with each other, and apparently exhibiting that sex. Not that you have to have a major backstory on each character.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This is one of my first posts to the forums as well as my first story on the Lit site. I'm looking for some feedback on my story which I called I can make you love me Ch. 1.

Some criticism (I hope constructive):

"Lesbian" erotica tends to fall in one of two niches. There's the variety made for male viewers who want to watch two hot women doing one another. The end result is a lot like vanilla het porn except that the guy is watching the screen instead of on it.

The other type is more interested in real female-female attraction, telling a story about a woman who's attracted to another woman, and pitched more towards female readers. That doesn't exclude hot sex, but it tends to be portrayed a little differently.

(I am generalising here, BTW. There are plenty of exceptions to the above, but I think it's true as a generalisation.)

The main problem I have with your story is that it's not clear which of those two you're aiming for. As PennLady has commented, it reads very "male gaze". Most of the action is done in front of a male audience, and the description of the sex REALLY makes me think "written by male author for male readers".

But there are hints in there that you want to tell a story about an emotional relationship between two women with real feelings. Either can work well on Lit, but to me they don't go well together.

Also: see "Burly Detective Syndrome" here.

 

[sugoionna09]

Thanks everyone for your comments! I will definitely pay attention to the mechanical suggestions that were made, grammar has never been my strongest suit.

As for the story appearing too focused on the male gaze I definitely understand that. I hope the second part will get away from some of that. I think I struggled a little bit between wanting to focus on the sex/erotic and wanting to focus on the relationship and in the end I got something a little muddled. I hope the second part will speak a little more to the relationship I wanted to build that didn't come across in the first part. Even if it doesn't I know my next attempt will be improved by your wisdom.

Thank you again!