First story - feedback please?

Genie_69

Virgin
Joined
Dec 21, 2006
Posts
20
=] Well this is my first erotica story ever... I write stories in general often, but this is my first sex scene! it's kindof short :[. anyways, just let me know how it is; I would appreciate any feedback. Negative is ok, as long as its constructive.

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“No, Sean, not here!” I giggled and slapped his hand away. We were standing in front of his parents' refrigerator, and as I'd bended down to grab a bottle of soda, Sean had given me a good slap on my butt.

“Do you think they'll like me?” It was the first time I'd met his parents, even though we'd been going out for over a year. He'd seemed reluctant to introduce us for some reason, and I had loved him enough to respect that. After the initial fuss, with me accusing him of being embarrassed of him, he finally broke down and told me that the last girl he took home (which, he confessed was back in high school) ran home crying and never spoke to him again. Unfortunately, he spared me the juicy details. I left him alone after that, but now that we were engaged the situation was unavoidable.

“Like you? Are you kidding? They haven't made a single insulting remark! They must love you!” A stray hand found its way up my thigh. “Not as much as I love you, though...” I rolled my eyes and moved away, letting my silence answer him.

We made our way back to the dining room, and I found myself wishing for the night to be over. The table cloth was long, and Sean and I sat opposite his parents. Never the one to let opportunity slip by, Sean's hand persistently slithered its way up my knee-length silk skirt and was softly stroking my clitoris. I knew I was getting wet and he knew it too.

That one hour of small-talk was probably the longest hour of my life. I tried to ignore the tingling sensations building in between my thighs but some things just can't be helped – arousal being one of them! Finally, we all got up (I caught Sean licking his fingers clean with gusto, pretending he'd spilled something on them), and I said my goodbyes to Michelle, his mother.

His father had excused himself and so we were waiting for his arrival. It seemed rather silly to me, seeing as how we were planning on saying goodbye anyways, but Sean insisted it was the polite thing to do. I saw how well Sean and his mother got along, and I could tell they hadn't spoken for ages when I heard him telling her about his accomplishments as a contractor – accomplishments that had taken place at least a year ago. I wondered what had kept them apart all these years, and when I felt the wetness between my legs grow I politely excused myself, giving them a chance to catch up, if only for a few more minutes.

“Sean, I'm gonna head to the bathroom... I'll be out soon, alright?” I whispered, my voice husky and filled with promises of a long, heated night. He nodded and turned to continue talking with his mother.

I walked down the hallway and turned at the last corner to head straight into the bathroom. I opened the door and stepped in; the lights turned off abruptly and I felt a rough hand clamp my mouth shut. A familiar voice whispered in my ear:

“Stay quiet or you'll regret it...” I could tell by his voice that he meant it, and started whimpering my consent. He let go and I fell to the floor, tears instantly springing from my eyes. I could feel my heart beating fast and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I looked up and gasped.

“Matt..? I don't understand...” I was looking him straight in the eye with a rather sorry attempt at sounding composed.

“This isn't funny anymore. Can you let me out now? Sean's waiting for me, I told him I'd be out soon.”

A moment later I felt a hand on my breasts. He gave them a small squeeze as he got down on his knees to my level and whispered in my ear.

“Honey, you won't be going anywhere soon...” He continued groping my breasts and I laid there, tears silently running down my face as my body racked with sobs. I could feel his rough fingers making their way up my thighs; he made no attempt at being gentle.

“Oh God, please don't do this, please,” I hoarsely cried out. Matt looked at me and, to my horror, he gave me a big toothy grin.

“Keep going. I like it when they beg.” His fingers found my panties and tore them off effortlessly. I closed my eyes and willed it all to go away, but I knew it was real. I could feel his fingers grazing my lips, pulling at them, feeling in between... I felt like an animal, being inspected for slaughter. Maybe I was nothing more.

“Horny bitch, you're wet.” He shoved his fingers in my mouth. “Suck on them.” I silently did as he instructed, more in terror than anything else. He leaned closer and whispered right next to my ear huskily.

“Did my son get you all hot and bothered under the dinner table? Did you like that? Did you like him touching you down there?” I didn't answer. His fingers had dived back into my skirt and was softly rubbing my clit.

“Slut, I bet you did... You liked it when he stuck his fingers inside you... I bet you wanted his dick inside you, too. Dirty whore, did you like it when he teased you in front of us? Were you begging him for it?”

His voice was getting rougher, more angry. He was rubbing faster and I knew I was getting aroused but fought it. My eyes were closed and nothing seemed to exist but the sensations. His hands were everywhere at once; they grabbed and squeezed my boobs, and they were running up my thighs in provocative gestures. His hands were in my hair, pulling my face closer to his, and at the same time they crawled behind my buttocks and harshly grasped at my ass. It was agony, and it was bliss, and it was all so muddled and I couldn't see and it all happened so fast and I finally cried out in desperation.

“Please... Please... Just stop it, please...!”

He slapped me, hard. My cheek burned from where he'd made contact and I said no more, simply crying silently. I saw him unzip his pants out and take his blooming erection out. He shoved it in my face.

“Suck it.”

I knew better than to argue, and gave him the best blowjob I could muster at the time, hoping I'd make him cum and it would all be over with. I started at the head, using all the parts of my mouth to keep him pleasured. With my hands, I applied pressure to the rest of his dick and kept this up for a few minutes. I licked all around his dick, starting at his balls and moving up towards the head. I let his balls rest in my mouth as I caressed it with my tongue, moving slowly in circles, knowing that, just like his son, I was driving him crazy. All the while I kept a firm hand around his erection, slowly but steadily pumping it up and down. When I finally finished teasing his testicles, I moved back up and deepthroated his dick. It was only slightly above average, about 6 ½ inches and with all the saliva coating it, his dick slid easily down my throat. His hands gripped my hair and he groaned. I began to pump faster, with his hands aiding me with a push on my head.

“Bitch!” He abruptly pushed me away and threw me on the floor. I was laying, helpless, and he gave me a sinister smile.

“It's your turn for pleasure now, don't you think?”

His head disappeared between my legs and he licked up and down my slit. It felt so good, but I wasn't enjoying it. Thoughts quickly ran through my head, guilt being a strong one. I pushed it away and closed my eyes, surrendering to the feelings between my legs. I let out a moan and I put a hand on his head, pushing it closer and wrapping my legs around his neck.

Thankfully, Matt was too consumed to gloat. He sucked furiously on my clit and I started bucking against his face. He was nibbling softly, and he must have shifted position because I felt two fingers being forcefully being thrust into me.

“Oh, yes, yes..” I mumbled incoherently. I was arching up against his hand and I knew I was close when, just as suddenly as they had come, his fingers disappeared. I opened my eyes and I saw he was on top of me, a maniacal glint in his eye. He was softly rubbing my clit with one finger and I was grinding up against it, wanting release and receiving none.

“Do you want it?” He asked me. I whimpered my answer.

“Answer me! Do you want it?” He rubbed harder and thrust one finger into my pussy; enough to drive me crazy with lust but not enough to give me orgasm.

“Yes! Oh God, yes! Please, please..!” I cried out, not really caring. Everything was a blur and all I wanted was something, anything, between my legs to give me release. Like an answer to my prayer, he buried his dick inside of me and began thrusting. I raised my hips to meet his every thrust and I was consumed with the pleasure.

“Oh, Sean please... Please.. Oh God, you're so good!” I cried out violently, my legs wrapping around his hips and pulling them closer to me. Our pace quickened, and as he gave one more violent thrust I cried out in agony and bliss.

He rolled off of me and got dressed.

“You're a good fuck. I'm glad. My son doesn't deserve anything less.” I looked up and was horrified to see him looking at me with a loving, almost fatherly warmth in his eyes.

“I'm glad he found you. I hope you two have a happy marriage... I'll give you some time to clean up.” And with that, he turned on the lights and left the bathroom. I stared at the door for some time, before convulsing into sobs on the bathroom floor.
 
Take a good hard look at your story.
1. Who are the people in your story. I don't know who they are.
2. What is the story about.
3. When did this story take place.
4. Where did it take place.

You started your story telling your readers that some one was getting a soda. NOT GOOD

Tell your readers who the people are in your story. Where the story is takeing place. Is it summer are winter. Paint a picture for your reader's You have to pull your readers into your story. There is a lot more that I could say about your story but review it and think about what you have wrote.
 
Hi Genie,

I don't see anything wrong with starting a short story with two characters at a refrigerator. While a few readers may want a biography at the outset, I believe most would rather get to know the characters as the story progresses. If anything, I'd have preferred to deduce the character's relationship from the conversation over dinner, but at least the information that is provided is pertinent to the character's situation and not about the weather or some other nonsense.

If there's a weakness in the tale, I think it might be here:
"Stay quiet or you'll regret it..." I could tell by his voice that he meant it, and started whimpering my consent.
Seeing a little more in her character might have helped me to understand why she obeys instead of screaming. Without knowing, I couldn't quite suspend my disbelief.

There might be a few other minor technical issues, but overall I thought it was well-written and I really like that you ended the story with tears instead of smiles.

Take Care,
Penny
 
Ok, at first I kept asking myself, "who the hell is Matt"? Then as I read on, I figured it out. You had my breath caught in my throat and nudge a lot of emotions to the surface. I think this story is a very good one. I enjoyed how it began as it seemed to me to set the scene with action right away, catching my attention. The rest of the story held it very well. I believe this is a very good 'reluctant/nonconsent' story. It's more real than you'd like to think, and it's very good, to me.

That's my opinion...


:) ;)
 
=D thanks! rereading, i did catch some careless mistakesand i kindof regret not getting myself an editor..... but it was my first erotica story ever and i was kindof excited, lol.

i forgot to introduce matt :[ that was incredibly stupid of me. at the end, i had her say sean's name instead of matt because the way i visualized it, she was enjoying the sex but was pretending it was matt because she was ashamed. i didnt explain that and one person who read it thought it was a typo. but there, it's explained :)
 
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