First story, erotic one on one looking for suggestions?

[tigerfriend]

You walk into my room, excited to see me. However when you enter you see me sitting on the bed, a single lamp on, giving the room little light and casting shadows on my face. I'm wearing nothing but my underwear, and my face is unreadable. "Take off your clothes" I say, and the iron in my voice hits you like a slap across the face. You pause for a moment and then begin to take off your shirt hastily. "Slowly," I tell you, "I want you to make me want to fuck you before you even touch me. I want to be rock hard just from you taking your clothes off." What at first had been a jarring and uncomfortable command has started to turn you on. You realize you enjoy the intensity of how I'm looking at you, my eyes taking in every movement, and every curve of your body. As you take you shirt off, more slowly this time, you turn around, shielding your breasts. You slide your pants off slowly, bending over to give me a view of your gorgeous ass in a brand new red thong. Your bra comes off quickly after, and you hold it out, dangling it from your finger as you turn your head and give me a wicked grin. You turn to face me holding your breasts, hiding them from me. You see me shift in my seat, obviously aroused, and begin talking to me. "Do you wanna see my tits baby? Would you like to hold them and suck on them?" You see an obvious bulge forming in my underwear, but my face still reveals nothing. Spurred on you take your arm away, exposing your breasts, your nipples hard with arousal. You hear my sharp intake of breath and feel yourself start to get wet instantly. It gives you an idea. you pull aside your panties revealing your completely bald pussy. Taking a finger you begin to play with yourself, stroking your clit until you can take it anymore and plunge into yourself to the knuckle. You feel close from no more than 30 seconds of touching yourself, but realize you want to hold off. You begin licking your finger, slowly at first then taking it in and out of your mouth, your lips forming a perfect "O" but still letting escape your moans of pleasure at your taste. Your eyes are closed and enjoying the moment when you hear a sudden movement in front of you. You open your eyes to find me coming towards you, lust in my eyes. I grab your throat and push you up against the wall. Not enough to hurt, but forcefully, and my face is an inch from yours. "So you want to tease me huh? Two can play that game Becca." You feel the heat of me then, my muscles rippling in the low light, and with my chest up against you, you can feel my heart beating fast. You feel me begin to thrust my hips against you, the curve of my cock sliding over you satin thong, teasing your clit. My hand is still on your neck, a constant pressure, but making everything that much more erotic. You feel my other hand begin to trace lines along your body. your arms, your sides, your stomach...and finally your nipples. You gasp as I pinch one of them, and your knees almost buckle, but I hold you up with the pressure of my body against you. You feel my breathing getting more ragged, and know how turned on I am. You begin moaning more. You notice how close my lips are for what seems like the millionth time, and all you want is to taste them, to suck on them, to bite them. I can tell, and I move in with a forceful, passionate kiss. Tongues twirling, we have become a hot and sweaty mess from grinding on each other. Then I break off the kiss, look you in the eyes and tell you to suck my cock. Caught off guard again, you stand still for just a moment before you feel me pushing your head down to my waist. I quickly pull the front down of my boxer briefs and without any ceremony shove my throbbing cock into your mouth. My hand tightens on your head as I thrust into you. Your mouth feels more full than ever, and its all you can do to take me all in. You rip off my underwear, caught up in the passion of the moment and begin going at it like a porn star. Spit is dripping from your mouth as you try and get my dick as wet as your pussy feels. Your other hand finds your pussy, dripping by this point, your panties soaked, and you begin to finger yourself. I see and rip your hand away. God! Your pussy needs to be touched, to be filled, and you feel your hips begin to thrust of their own accord from your need. Just when you think you can’t take it anymore, I stand you up, kiss you hard, turn you to the wall and bend you over. You know what’s coming next, but instead of a quick thrust you feel the tip of me rubbing against your panties. You want me inside you now though, and this is torture. I slowly pull down your thong, nibbling your ass, my tongue darting around on your skin so close to your clit but never touching. Again you feel the head of my cock but this time you feel it sliding along your clit. You feel another rush of juices start to drip out of your pussy. "Who's my slut?" I ask. "I'm your slut" you moan back softly. You feel my hand on your hair as I pull your head back and put my face right next to your ear, "I can’t hear you slut," I say in a deep voice, and something in your just lets go. "I'm your slut Alex, I'm your fucking whore! Fuck me with that big cock of yours; I need your fucking cock!" And I thrust balls deep into you in one quick motion, filling you up instantly. "Oh God Alex, fuck me baby!" you scream, as I pound you. Your hand finds your clit and you begin to stroke, the feeling of my dick going in and out of you making it feel that much better. You keep moaning dirty things, swearing like I have never heard from you before, and I feel myself getting close quickly. You come first though, writhing in ecstasy, your face against the wall you feel yourself drop to your knees as I pull out. You feel my hand on your chin and turn to see me pumping my cock right in front of you. Before you can even react I come all over your face, some of it dripping onto your tits. Spent, I collapse to the floor beside you. You, covered in cum, unable to stand, close to passing out with what seems to be a pool of your juices between your legs, and me panting and sweaty, sitting right next to you.


So what say you? I typed it originally on an IPad so i apologize for any typing errors I missed!

 

[_Lynn_]

I say you need to break the text into paragraphs of about eight lines each to lose the wall of black. Then I say you might want to be more specific on what help you need. This is the Editor's Forum, so if obtaining an editor is your goal, you should say that. Most people mention the genre, word count, etc., but don't post the story here. That defeats the purpose of having to go through the official submission process, right?

 

[AsylumSeeker]

As ML has said, this is a word tsunami. A wall of text.

Yes, must be separated into paragraphs. But I disagree with ML as to how often the breaks should occur. ML said every 8 lines but I instead think the breaks should be based on the story.

PM me, this can be easily fixed. Or not, your choice.