First story and first time writer

[Beneaththesurface]

A Girl Named Desire is a story of two strangers meeting at a bar. Drinks and fun and games ensue and he ends up taking her home for a surprise. This is my first story and I hope to be following it up with more. Please feel free to comment and share.

https://literotica.com/beta/s/a-girl-named-desire

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

The story has been up for two days and you already have four followers, a pretty good rating, and a positive comment. It appears that you don’t have to change what you’re doing to get favorable results. But because you asked, I’ll pick nits.

You went back and forth between past and present tense. You should pick one and stick with it.

Your dialogue is pretty clunky, and often doesn’t sound like what people would actually say. You may want to speak your dialogue passages out loud, to find out if they sound to you like what people say. (NOTE: If you have neighbors close by, or other people living with you, you should find a place where you can be alone to say sexually explicit things out loud.)

Write the following sentence with thick marker on paper, and tape the paper on whatever you use for your writing: “Spellcheck and autocorrect are no substitutes for proofreading.” The story included ‘quickly’ where you clearly meant ‘quickie,’ and ‘armory’ where you meant ‘armoire,’ among other goofs. I have no personal experience with Grammarly, but if you’re using that, proofread anyway.

I stopped reading in detail when the narrator got her to his house. I was already having problems believing what was going on, starting with when she forgave him for his hooker pickup line (which you called a pick line), and ramping up as she went along with everything he wanted to do to her in the bar. As a result, I couldn’t believe in her, or get interested in either of them getting their rocks off.

This kind of fantasy is a longstanding staple of Literotica, and as noted above, you’ve satisfied readers. The story just didn’t do anything for me personally.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Grammarly is much better than what is available from word processing programs like MS Word. (The latter is mostly a spell checker.) The free version should be adequate for what we are doing on this site.

If it's connected to your browser, Grammarly should work inside Literotica's draft mode when you are editing the story. It's a good idea to leave a story in the drafts folder for a little while (at least a week) and review it - including the actual proofreading mentioned in the other post - a couple of times before publishing it. Give yourself a couple of days between each review so you have a fresh take on it each time.

(Grammarly works in forum posts too. I just used it to correct a couple of errors in this message.)

 

[Beneaththesurface]

Thank you for taking the time to write with your feedback. I will definitely take your input to help better my writing. To give you a little background, this is my first time ever writing anything. It happened by accident as my wife enjoys reading erotica so I decided to write her one of my own. She enjoyed it so I took a shot at submitting it. The story was just fantasy and not supposed to be something that would probably happen in real life. I do understand that each person has a different style and subject that they enjoy to read. Unfortunately this was not your style.
I am working on another story (rather long, 25000 words so far). It is about a married couple that has fallen into a rut in their relationship. They are looking for a new beginning. If you are interested in a sample I could send you some of it. Keep in mind it needs a lot of work as far as grammar and structure.

Thank you again for your input.