Orbmansuper
Virgin
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2017
- Posts
- 5
First published story, would like some feedback if able
- Thread starter Orbmansuper
- Start date
Blind_Justice
Universe builder
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2012
- Posts
- 3,177
As a courtesy to prospective reviewers, at least a note regarding the category you write in would be nice. I love to help, but I don't do non/con.
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,988
Yes, I went to see, and I too stepped right back. So you have at least two views that were not reads.
First, you start by telling your audience things about Father Fedichi that would be better shown by his actions. In fact, he then does things that show what he is like. IMHO, it would be stronger to start with "Father Fidichi, head of the Rising Angel Orphanage..." Then skip down to "had his eyes set on..."
At that point you use the word "young" twice, with just five words in between, to describe Valia.
Seems to me it should be I haven't and pouty lips.
Also, lisped suggests a specific speech defect that would require the girl to attempt an "s" or "z" sound.
You've got a bunch of similar errors that you would probably catch if you read the story aloud. I can't do any more of this on my phone, but I'll try to look at it on my computer later.
At that point you use the word "young" twice, with just five words in between, to describe Valia.
:
Seems to me it should be I haven't and pouty lips.
Also, lisped suggests a specific speech defect that would require the girl to attempt an "s" or "z" sound.
You've got a bunch of similar errors that you would probably catch if you read the story aloud. I can't do any more of this on my phone, but I'll try to look at it on my computer later.
Last edited:
Really need a full edit
You switch from past to present tense a few times in this story.
When a character trails off and fails to end a bit of dialogue, use an ellipsis (. . .), not a comma, as here:
If she had been interrupted, you would use an em dash: "Well, I thought Johnny was cute, so I---" [action or dialogue interrupting her thought]
There are also content problems an editor should be able to help with in POV, and characterization. For instance, Valia rolls over a little too easily, and we don't get a real clue of what she's feeling when the Priest says that she needs to remove her uniform. At that point, we should get some physical reaction that is either witnessed from the Priest's point of view or felt from Valia's POV. Wouldn't he see her jaw drop or give him a doubting look? If she is the POV character in the scene, shouldn't she feel herself reacting in shame or fear or revulsion?
Found another use of "lisp." Find and replace.
I think there's a good advice thread somewhere here on writing about breasts. Go ahead and give it a read. My advice: when in doubt, call them breasts, and don't go into too much detail or use cantaloupe, grapefruit, volleyball, softball, etc similes.
Don't be discouraged if this sounds too negative. Everything I mentioned can be fixed, though I'd suggest fixing most of it before publishing. And the more you write and edit, the fewer errors you'll make in the first place.
A final thing: Even in NonCon/Reluctance, it should, in my opinion, fall more on the reluctance end of the spectrum than this story does. At some point, the reluctant character should give in to lust. She (usually it's a female) may feel guilty about it later, but he/she should experience a feeling of giving in to his/her baser instincts. That's the conflict that really makes the story interesting. I'm sure others would disagree, but that's my two cents worth.
You switch from past to present tense a few times in this story.
When a character trails off and fails to end a bit of dialogue, use an ellipsis (. . .), not a comma, as here:
If she had been interrupted, you would use an em dash: "Well, I thought Johnny was cute, so I---" [action or dialogue interrupting her thought]
There are also content problems an editor should be able to help with in POV, and characterization. For instance, Valia rolls over a little too easily, and we don't get a real clue of what she's feeling when the Priest says that she needs to remove her uniform. At that point, we should get some physical reaction that is either witnessed from the Priest's point of view or felt from Valia's POV. Wouldn't he see her jaw drop or give him a doubting look? If she is the POV character in the scene, shouldn't she feel herself reacting in shame or fear or revulsion?
Found another use of "lisp." Find and replace.
I think there's a good advice thread somewhere here on writing about breasts. Go ahead and give it a read. My advice: when in doubt, call them breasts, and don't go into too much detail or use cantaloupe, grapefruit, volleyball, softball, etc similes.
Don't be discouraged if this sounds too negative. Everything I mentioned can be fixed, though I'd suggest fixing most of it before publishing. And the more you write and edit, the fewer errors you'll make in the first place.
A final thing: Even in NonCon/Reluctance, it should, in my opinion, fall more on the reluctance end of the spectrum than this story does. At some point, the reluctant character should give in to lust. She (usually it's a female) may feel guilty about it later, but he/she should experience a feeling of giving in to his/her baser instincts. That's the conflict that really makes the story interesting. I'm sure others would disagree, but that's my two cents worth.
