First published post on Lit

[JayJams78]

My first piece published on Lit (though far from the first piece written or published) is officially up. Go check it out and give feedback, anonymous or otherwise. Happy to hear what you think of the work. Hopefully more pieces will be coming.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6271247&page=submissions

 

[Piscator]

Congrats on your first poem in Literotica and welcome to PFD. I liked your poem and the enjambment kept it moving but some of the line breaks were abrupt for me.

 

[JayJams78]

Thanks, and I do love the tech critique, particularly on line breaks and enjambment. Such gloriously nerdy details. Sometimes - no, OFTEN - it's those details that separate the good work from the great. Glad you got what I was doing on the enjambment. As for the abrupt line breaks, you would have to point out the ones you mean, but usually those are intentionally placed because I intend to throw the reader off balance. It's the difference between the spoken version and the written version.

Thank you again for both taking the time to read and consider my work, and for making the effort to share your attentive critique.

 

[46n2]

I like wordsmything, toying around with the spewling and such. Or a play on an other meaning word. So I very much did like that first line.

-Your approach continues to be not - on law. And I like that also. I could see I’d need to pay attention. So I continued. Despite the odd meter (I liked the odd meter. It rang true enough to want to continue).


Falling for fables where heroes are flawless,
solutions infallible, and the shards left behind…

At this point I’m into it.
I’m about to learn something.


Facades are easier to face than real dirt,

Alright. I’m not being cheated. The initial indicator has been rewarded. You showed me early on that I would need to pay attention if I’d like this. So I did and I’ve now been rewarded.

This is the sort of art I’ve been starving for, lately. I think my own way of sounding out words (in general) has completely lost course because nothing is ever landing. Nothing around me is making any sense. So I just keep on pushing my own words around (or not talking at all).

My feet can’t land. I’m just standing on nothing.

And without an anchor. I cannot talk properly.

It’s interesting how you forced that here. You MADE me look at it hard enough that I could then receive the message. Way too many people will tell you to dumb it down.

Ignore them. Yer not after that.

Be large


from The Ministry of Mindwash.

There IS a discernible rhythm at this point. It’s somewhat reoccurring. If it is not a pattern in a traditional sense - you’ve done enough to make it that way with the message.

I’m giving you an honest critique here, btw. In real time.


the public begs to be used.

Yes. Now POUND me with it, please.

At this point I’m only hoping you don’t fail (our) own ending.


where white rabbits preach acceptable lies
and designer pills make you smaller.
We thought we were building a wonderland.


Thank you so much for that offer. I’m teering up a little bit. Yup. And I’m real glad I am. Thanks so much for helping me do that so honestly. I’m so weary of having to conjure it up all myself all the time.

Thank you for your notably genuine and valuable art.

Well done.

: )

 

[46n2]

Incidentally. I am a man. And in no way gay.

So that wasn't sucking up, mate.

-peace

 

[JayJams78]

Bro, that was honestly one of the best critiques I have ever read, and that is saying a lot. I have been a leader for a group of some of the most profound writers and spoken word poets I have ever heard or read (by the way, the best of my craft I learned not from books but from studying them), and I wish they could read that critique to see how it's done. Thank you!

You clearly know how to listen when you read, to catch the music in the words and the message driving the music. You are hearing and feeling how it all plays together. I have spent a lot of years developing my craft and particular niche and style. It's nice when someone can see not only the craftsmanship, nut what the craftsman is doing as it happened.

Thank you again for that amazing input. I am thrilled to know people like you are reading - REALLY reading my work.

 

[46n2]

Yeah? Thrilled as well that it landed.

When I see good effort? I wanna repay it.

How many world movers have fallen off the planet, simply because they could not know? Right? “Hey - does THIS work?” Followed by silence. It’s just a caveman inventing the wheel but, you know, that dude was already saying words out of his mouth before the rest of us so he’s fucking clearly disturbed.

“Round?! Did you say ROUND?! The planet is ROUND you say? And not the center that the sun revolves about?”

That’s a bad example cuz at least that one got heard. Until now, apparently.


-Anyway, yes.

The key is that you indicated early what might be expected. I think that matters. And I don’t think it’s an accident you did that (as I said). Also, if you look at the whole of its format quickly, you can see that (which poetry can advantage and afford).

I nearly got chased off to start. It would have been easy had I not seen what I needed to there. Which was, “He’s saying that on purpose. Pay attention.”

Okay?

So that had to work.

Also, I’m gonna want that type of thing where 8 of 10 others just can’t be bothered. (I don’t know what the hell they want from reading poetry but, whatever, it feels good to trail a finger around in the sand, fair enough.)

And then you paid it off. Progressively. The more I read, the more I knew that.

And the meter was not completely blind. It was a meter of another kind. Still melded things together. And I liked that a lot. I felt rewarded while I read it. And the more I did the more it fell into place.

Those final lines?

Fuckin’ A

But could I know it was going there? I couldn’t. Maybe I was encouraged by the effort. Maybe I began to feel the rhythm of a potential payoff. Maybe I began to know I might agree with it (not that that’s necessary, btw. In any Art). But now it’s gonna fail me, right? Cuz that’s what happens when we get to the end.

And then you did not fail.

So then I hit the Send.


-I’m really glad I was able to respond in a way that worked for you. Particularly that I DID see it happening as it happened (my own ego likes that, I guess). You gave good effort on that poem and should most definitely thump your chest about it (privately).

So now. Get BACK to work. Ma brother!

We’ve got to save the right to Wonder

 

[JayJams78]

Won't quote your statement- too long for that. But thanks.

As for the rhythm, everything is intentional. I spent a lot of years mastering various rhythms and forms specifically so I could write (and perform) like this. It's a mingling of classical styles with freestyle, almost jazz rhythms, with hip-hop rhythm and rhymes. It's a style I've worked hard to hone because of the spoken word nature pieces like this one have to work in.

If you go online and look up vids of slam poetry shows, you will find similar rhythms. I just had to work until I could get that same rhythm to work the same way to the eye and ear on paper.

So thank you again for your comments. It has taken a lot of years of labor of love to get here with my craft.

By the way, two pieces pending publication on here. Keep an eye out for them and let others know. If you like this stuff I'm working to build a brand here because I think both the art and the message has value.