First Posting

[TLennon]

Feedback would be appreciated


No Title

Spending time counting freckles on her cleavage,
Through loosened buttons past her bra strap peeking,
Wondering if her nipples turn up or down,
Whether they are rosy pink or maybe brown,
Asking with my eyes but never speaking.
She coyly smiles and knows its me she's keeping.

 

[champagne1982]

Spending time counting freckles on her cleavage,
Good first line but I need to warn you that you're moving into a cliche and risk losing the more sophisticated in your audience.
Through loosened buttons past her bra strap peeking,
If you're going to use the passive voice to make your rhyme work you'll need to use punctuation. How about: Through loosened buttons, past her bra strap, peeking? but it still isn't as wonderful as EAPoe's "--came a rapping, knocking on my chamber door." Do you see the difference in his work, compared to yours? Passive voice asks a question sometimes, and it's up to the poet to answer it. So, with that in mind, peeking at what?
Wondering if her nipples turn up or down,
Whether they are rosy pink or maybe brown,
These are easy rhymes, but at least you're brave enough to use the device. The problem is that you're still asking but not answering, every line in a brief poem needs to stand solo and move the piece forward. So far, you've introduced your subject, (which is good but in the end, you never answer the questions you've raised and that's bad)
Asking with my eyes but never speaking.
She coyly smiles and knows its me she's keeping.
Keeping where?

You have a beginning. Are you going to write more of this 'ode to m'lady's breast'? If so, I'd like to see where you take it. It's a good effort and with some polish and development could be fun to read. Keep on being poetic!

 

[WickedEve]

champ, I don't think she's keeping him anywhere. She's just keeping him.

I didn't know nipples turned up or down. I thought that just pointed straight ahead. Obviously, I know nothing about nipples--except my own.

Anyway, Tlennon, it's a rather nice poem. You may want to read through some other poet's work and get some ideas of other ways to handle a poem. You may want to try Judo. She does very well with rhyme.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=28543&page=submissions

 

[perks]

Spending time counting freckles on her cleavage,
Good first line but I need to warn you that you're moving into a cliche and risk losing the more sophisticated in your audience.
Through loosened buttons past her bra strap peeking,
If you're going to use the passive voice to make your rhyme work you'll need to use punctuation. How about: Through loosened buttons, past her bra strap, peeking? but it still isn't as wonderful as EAPoe's "--came a rapping, knocking on my chamber door." Do you see the difference in his work, compared to yours? Passive voice asks a question sometimes, and it's up to the poet to answer it. So, with that in mind, peeking at what?
Wondering if her nipples turn up or down,
Whether they are rosy pink or maybe brown,
These are easy rhymes, but at least you're brave enough to use the device. The problem is that you're still asking but not answering, every line in a brief poem needs to stand solo and move the piece forward. So far, you've introduced your subject, (which is good but in the end, you never answer the questions you've raised and that's bad)
Asking with my eyes but never speaking.
She coyly smiles and knows its me she's keeping.
Keeping where?

You have a beginning. Are you going to write more of this 'ode to m'lady's breast'? If so, I'd like to see where you take it. It's a good effort and with some polish and development could be fun to read. Keep on being poetic!

great critique.

 

[TLennon]

Thank you for the feedback

Thank you all very much for the feedback. After rereading with a much more critical eye, I see a lot of reworking is needed. Other than what you have mentioned I have also left a voyeuristic slant that really doesn't exist. There is a certain dynamic between my subject and me that I haven't experienced before and haven't explained at all.

Nipples have the capability of pointing in all directions, that's part of their mystique and loveliness.

You're right she could be doing all the keeping (of me) if she so desired.

I also see what you mean about better attention to punctuation. However, in the phrase bra strap peeking, I meant that I could see the bra strap peeking out (actually not peeking out but it was visible), not that I was peeking past it. I'll have to work on that.

I will continue to work on this poem, but the message can only be determined by what happens in the future. The poem will not only be about m'ladies breast, but her intelligence, personality, presence and beauty. Alas, we will never be a couple, for many reasons, but the fun, the mystery, the allure will match the heart ache, I am sure.

I would be happy to post it.

 

[perks]

Re: Thank you for the feedback

Alas, we will never be a couple, for many reasons, but the fun, the mystery, the allure will match the heart ache, I am sure.

why don't you write about that feeling in metaphors, instead?