first post questions

[Sugar_Ree]

Hi everyone,
I'm wanting to submit a poem. I'd like to have it looked over before I submit it. If there are changes that I could make, I'd really like to do that before I put it out there to the world
Do I look here for that help? (Or is there a more appropriate place?)

Thanks in advance,
Marie

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Post away. You've come to the right place.

And welcome.

 

[Sugar_Ree]

OK, here goes:
Does it sound forced? Is any of it just too corny? Can I reword anything to make it better? (title?) I know I need punctuation help.

Betrayed By the Light of Day

As we lay among the tangled sheets
Arms and legs entwined
My hair splayed out across your chest
Your heartbeat close to mine.

I pray the moon will hold Her pose
And keep the sun at bay.
Yet already I fear that we have been
Betrayed by the light of day.

So gently now I take my leave
From within your warm embrace.
I pause for a moment to watch the play
Of sunlight on your face.

So tenderly it strokes your skin,
Just like a lover's touch.
Knowing that it takes my place
I envy it so much.

So grateful that you lay sleeping,
Not watching me depart.
I step through the door and into the dawn,
With a sad and heavy heart.

Marie

 

[Rybka]

...
I pray the moon will hold Her pose
And keep the sun at bay.
Yet already I fear that we have been
Betrayed by the light of day.
...

You might begin by editing the last line of this stanza. Perhaps something as simple as dropping "the". Then the metre would be better and the last line would read:

"Betrayed by light of day."



Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I agree. That line jumped right at me when I first read this. Not only because of the metre (which is definetely off), but also because of that nasty enjambement

Yet already I fear that we have been
Betrayed by the light of day.

It almost pulverizes the rhyme. Ok, I may be exagerating a bit, but you should think about it.

As far as content, I only have a problem with the last couple of stanzas, or at least the last one. Not sure I can quite put my finger on it, but... Anyone else is seeing this? Perhaps that last line

With a sad and heavy heart

Why? I miss some element that might give me a clue to understand this.

Overall, I think it's a very good first effort, although with some room for improvement. I don't have time now, but I'll come back with some edit suggestions.

 

[Mythos50]

I agree. That line jumped right at me when I first read this. Not only because of the metre (which is definetely off), but also because of that nasty enjambement

Yet already I fear that we have been
Betrayed by the light of day.

It almost pulverizes the rhyme. Ok, I may be exagerating a bit, but you should think about it.

As far as content, I only have a problem with the last couple of stanzas, or at least the last one. Not sure I can quite put my finger on it, but... Anyone else is seeing this? Perhaps that last line

With a sad and heavy heart

Why? I miss some element that might give me a clue to understand this.

Overall, I think it's a very good first effort, although with some room for improvement. I don't have time now, but I'll come back with some edit suggestions.

“I step through THE door and into THE dawn
With a sad and heavy heart"

How about dropping "the" and "a"?

I step through door and into dawn,
With sad and heavy heart.

Hmm, then too, "sad" is emotion and "heavy" denotes weight but also slang connotations. With a sad heart and With a heavy heart?

 

[Sugar_Ree]

I always had a problem with this line, too. I just never could figure out how to make it better

Yet, already I fear that we have been
Betrayed by the light of day.


So, does "Betrayed by light of day" fix it?

I never liked "I envy it so much" It sounded kinda dull to me, but what to do?


I'm surprised, though, that the intent of the poem isn't coming thru. I never thought about that. I guess when you're writing it you know, so you think everyone else will. The lovers pray that the day won't come, because they only have the night.

I've just messed with this poem so much that I'm sick of looking at it. lol I want an honest opinion. Is it even worth working on? If the meaning behind the poem is vague, then perhaps it needs to be filed away with the other poems I've written that are 'just for me'

Marie

 

[NorthwestRain]

I step through the door and into the dawn,
With a sad and heavy heart.
-My favourite part of the poem.
I feel the rest of it is a little on the corny side, perhaps a little cliched. (You asked for it...) But not cringingly so. The last lines make up for it to me, and show a definite sense of potential.
Not bad at all.

 

[Sugar_Ree]

thanks

Thank you, (all)
Yes, I did ask for it, and I think I agree. I've been reading other poetry and posts. I've taken the advice given to various posters and I've been working on some of my other poems.
I think I'll just leave this one alone for now. It served it's purpose, I'll let it rest in peace.

Marie