First Post - Looking for feedback

[dabanshee]

Ecstasy

Pressing against each other
Body to Body
Pressing lips against lips
Parted by probing tongue
Urgency rises, desire to feel
Deeper, closer, united
Removing barriers
Cloth, metal, inhibitions

Pressing ever closer
Skin on Skin
Pressing hips against hips
Legs gently parted
Bodies fuse, become one
Legs intertwined

Pressing together
Writhing in passion
Pressing together
Sweat mixed with sweat
Flesh against Flesh
Arms wrapped in arms
Legs with legs
All together
Reaching
Ecstasy


- dabanshee

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Welcome!

What sort of feedback were you looking for? Do you want to edit and shift the piece or are you just looking to hear whether it's a "good poem?"

Thanks for joining in,

bijou

 

[dabanshee]

Being that I always have such a low opinion of my own poetry, I'm trying to get other's opinions of it...

Does it work, is there somewhere that it's repetitive? Is there a way to improve it...any criticism is welcomed!

 

[champagne1982]

Being that I always have such a low opinion of my own poetry, I'm trying to get other's opinions of it...

Does it work, is there somewhere that it's repetitive? Is there a way to improve it...any criticism is welcomed!

Hi, welcome to the scary world of receiving critique. It's never easy, but if you stay receptive, most often you'll gain in your knowledge and confidence through the input of others.

In this quote, I think you've recognized something in this poem that bears consideration. You ask if there's somewhere that it's repetitive and I'm sure you already, even on a subconscious level only, know the answer is yes.

You say a lot of things over and over again, albeit using varied vocabulary but still, you've used a lot of words that tell us the couple are touching. Try to find a different way of showing us how close... knitted fingers, seamless fusion, a way to express their oneness.

I like the structure of the piece but as we both recognize, pressing pressing pressing and pressing can wear a little thin when it's not expressing anything new.

Words ending in 'ing' don't show off your effort to its best advantage. In poetry that's the equivalent to painting without a primer coat... lazy and sometimes not good quality, even if you, as the author, know that you worked and agonized over getting the poem right.

People who read a lot of poetry, if they're kind, will chalk heavy usage up to the poet's inexperience but, if you don't make an effort to eliminate many of these constructs from your poems, they'll eventually lower their estimation of your writing and stop reading. 'Ings' in prose are easier to take, but they can toll a death knell in poetry.

Thanks for sharing your poem. I hope you show us how and if you edit.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Sounds to me like some of both. I mean, we all like to have someone tell us what we write is wonderful and good. We're only human.

As to whether or not the piece "works," here's my personal take.

Okay, an aside, first, on how I look at poetry. If you're writing erotica, it's assumed that the basic goal is to make an audience aroused, and if you're writing poetry you're doing one of two basic things (these are very generalized categories, of course): either you're just expressing yourself for the world in something that happens to have short lines, or you're trying to create a poem that receives the approval of a community of other poets because of its skill in craft and technique, as well as its effect on the reader. I call the first category "journalistic" poetry, because the goal is simply to journal, to express something, not necessarily to edit or use poetic techniques or to be anthologized and have boring English Lit professors rehash your work to their tortured students for generations to come.

So did your poem turn me on? Sorta, although the main thing that I noticed was that there isn't a lot of innovation here - these are mostly phrases I've seen in a lot of erotic work. I was also really distracted by the capitalization; I wasn't sure why you were making all those words proper names. Not just skin, but archetypal Skin? God as Skin? It could work but you'd have to focus on Why that choice is important.

What "works" in an erotic poem is not just saying things vividly (so that I as a reader feel like I'm present and it's happening to me) but saying them in new ways so that you force your reader to really stop and pay attention to the words. The other thing that works is a vivid image. Cliche alert: Don't just tell me ("urgency rises, desire to feel/ deeper"); SHOW me ("lips parted by probing tongue").

So did your poem work? It sorta made me think about sex, and how I really enjoy it, but I didn't really feel like I was there. It didn't make me totally hawt or anything.

Like I say, it depends on your goal. If you give it to your current Squeeze and it makes him/her throw you down on the kitchen table and do heinous things to you, then it is a successful (i.e. "good") poem, regardless of my feedback. If, on the other hand, you want to make an anonymous person like me totally hawt using only your words on a screen, then my first suggestions would be: Rethink your capitalization, take out the general stuff and put in really vivid, creative images, and most importantly, (or at least most egoistically) hang around in here and watch the geekoids like me critique and edit and argue and pontificate about what works. You'll figure out where your goals are a lot easier after a while.

good luck!

bijou

 

[dabanshee]

You guys are saying a lot of what I've been feeling with this one. I've worked on it a little...thought about it...scrapped it...and it still pops back up. I'll tinker with it a little and share when I get the chance.

Thanks!

 

[Unbridled_Passion]

Hoping I do not hurt your feelings, but...
maybe you should not use the phrase pressing together
quite as much... but as far as the content of the poem,
I really enjoyed it!

 

[twelveoone]

Words ending in 'ing' don't show off your effort to its best advantage. In poetry that's the equivalent to painting without a primer coat... lazy and sometimes not good quality, even if you, as the author, know that you worked and agonized over getting the poem right.

Careful of this Champ...

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

What you have dabanshee is:
Pressing parts
except those parted -
press ahead
all together Now.

UPBJ and Champ offer some excellent advice, I would add that after the first line I know where it is going - that is not a good thing. Even if you had finger to finger, other parts, to (total) body to body, showing a progression of sorts, that would be slightly better.

My suggestion would be read at least 100 poems before you write one. Think about at least ten of them. Repeat everytime you feel the urge to write. You'll be surprised at how the quality will improve in your writing. And don't be concerned about writing garbage, everyone does, and hopefully someone will tell you if you do.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Being that I always have such a low opinion of my own poetry, [...]

Perhaps your opinion about your poetry is still too high. The text which you have presented in this thread is not poetry anyway, thus you have one worry less.

Your text is not poetry because:

1. There is not a single phrase which is truly yours, which is truly original; there is simply nothing original about your text.

2. There is nothing in your text that would be somehow unique, different. It's just what millions upon millions of adults know pretty well, there is no surprise.

3. There is no hint in your poems of things which go beyond the mechanically described intercourse. No images, no ideas are invoked. It's all awfully generic and routine.

You are impressed by poetry. Now think what poetry is about (compare your ideas with the outstanding poems). Once you have even a partial, sensible answer, it will guide you in your writings. Step by step, you may iterate the process and arrive at better understanding, together with better poems by yourself.

Regards,