First poetry post

[candysuttan]

ONE NIGHT ANGEL

I'm your one night angel,
I'm your fantasy come true,
I'm your favorite wet dream,
Tonight I am devoted to you.

I am gonna do all those little things,
That no simple girl can even try,
I'll be so so naughty and nasty,
Together we will sigh.

Hold me now,
tomorrow I'll fly,
I will be gone like the breeze,
I won't even say good bye.

We will taste each other,
I will take you right to the very edge,
I will keep you up all night,
Together we will tip over the ecstasy legde.

Oh, tonight I'm your sweet angel,
But tomorrow you'll see the real me,
I'm no angel at all,
I'm very devilish you'll soon see.

You think you are using me,
But, it will be very plain,
After this night,
You will see it's my game.

If by chance your attached,
Don't tell her your shame,
I promise not to tell,
It's all part of the sex I claim.

When she kiss'es your lips,
You will think of my sweet smell,
As you fuck her I will come to mind,
Will you kiss and tell?

I will be your secret lover,
Your fantasy lay,
Your fall from grace,
You will enjoy the play.

You will return for me,
And see I am far away from here,
One night angel,
One night lover, I didn't even care.

Andy and Candy 2002

Give us some feed back we are trying this for the first time...

 

[Fairytat]

Playful and Fun

I liked different aspects of this as it brought to mind a playful, devious "scarlet" woman who is on the prowl. This was almost like a song, which was a great part about this. There are a few times when the rhyme scheme didn't quite work out but on the whole it was a great read.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Givin' Ya Somethin' You Can Feel!!!

Okay! Here goes another in depth poetry review!

Remember that these are just my opinions, and I know nothing about poetry. Heck, I never even learned to read! My mom is reading this to me and typing in what I say.

(Hello, Star's Mother here.. I just wanted to say that your website offends and disgusts me. Now back to my son.)

Thanks Andy and Candy for your poem. Reading the first verse I thought it was going to be kinda corny, but it turned out pretty good overall. If it were posted (hint, hint) I would have probably given it a 3 out of 5.

ONE NIGHT ANGEL

"I'm your one night angel,
I'm your fantasy come true,
I'm your favorite wet dream,
Tonight I am devoted to you."

This does sum up the poem nicely, but only after you've read the whole thing. At first blush, it seems corny though. Maybe it's the "wet dream" part. I'm not sure what could be changed to make it less corny.

"I am gonna do all those little things,
That no simple girl can even try,
I'll be so so naughty and nasty,
Together we will sigh."

Simple girl? I'm not sure what that means,. Did you something like innocent or average maybe? It sounds like you're talking about a girl thats not too bright.

"Hold me now,
tomorrow I'll fly,
I will be gone like the breeze,
I won't even say good bye."

The last line really shows the poem isn't going to pull any punches. This woman is hardened.

"We will taste each other,
I will take you right to the very edge,
I will keep you up all night,
Together we will tip over the ecstasy legde."

The rhyme just didn't work here for me in the last line. I can see why you didn't want to lose the first three lines though, they're good.

"Oh, tonight I'm your sweet angel,
But tomorrow you'll see the real me,
I'm no angel at all,
I'm very devilish you'll soon see. "

This verse is good!

"You think you are using me,
But, it will be very plain,
After this night,
You will see it's my game."

I wish you could emphasize in the last line "You will see it's MY game." reflecting back on the first line, in which she is saying that he thinks it's his game. As it reads, (and the whole poem reads aloud well) naturally someone will stress "game" instead of "my".

"If by chance your attached,
Don't tell her your shame,
I promise not to tell,
It's all part of the sex I claim. "

I would drop the "sex" and just say "It's all part of what I claim" and leave it there. It's an intimidating mystery.

"When she kiss'es your lips,
You will think of my sweet smell,
As you fuck her I will come to mind,
Will you kiss and tell?"

Great verse.

"I will be your secret lover,
Your fantasy lay,
Your fall from grace,
You will enjoy the play."

My favorite verse, esp. the last line. It's so cold!!!

"You will return for me,
And see I am far away from here,
One night angel,
One night lover, I didn't even care."

Again, I didn't think the rhyme fit at all here, and it weakens the overall poem to end on a weak rhyme.





That's my commentary, ladies and gents! Remember... I... KNOW... NOTHINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[candysuttan]

thanks for your remarks they are honest and help alot you given me the most yet you really read it and understood what I meant that lets me klnow what im doing good or bad its gonna get better...thanx again hope as i post youll continue to help me learn more