first poem

[icebaby]

Hi this is my very first attempt at poetry so i am looking for feedback good or bad please be truthful i not easy offended
thanks

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73712



my stories

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=155604

 

[Angeline]

Here is icebaby's poem (I will be back to comment later, icebaby!)

The Storm
by icebaby ©


I built a fortress around my heart, could not feel, could not hurt!
Then I saw your smile it was like being touched by the warm sun on a winters day like a river entering the sea you slowly trickled your way to fill my heart,

Why did I allow the river to flow why did I tear down the barriers only to let the raging storm came rushing through … destroying everything in its wake blocking out the sun over flowing the river filling my body my heart my mind with an never ending flood seeping its way through every vein till my soul was overtaken drowned in a sea of coldness

Oh how I long to feel the softness of your lips … gently pressing against my mouth, your tongue sliding between my lips entwining with mine

The gentle breeze of your breath blowing softly as your lips move to my neck. Your hand closing over my breast your mouth drawing it in as your tongue flicks lightly over it making it stiffen and swell as it responds to your touch

I need to hear you.. touch you .. kiss you .. hold you ….I need to cresses you… smell you… taste you

I need to feel your wanting as I seek out your growing hardness your body on mine as two become one


Time goes by so slowly how do I move on when I know you are my soul mate the keeper of my dreams you hold the key to my heart so how do I keep going on without you?



I ache with the pain of wanting you I need you so badly pray for just one day just one more hour to be able hold you to love you and to say my goodbyes to you


Will the sun break through the darkness to bring warmth to my heart?
Will I ever again feel the gentle lapping of the river as it travels through my veins or am I destined to live each day in a cold lonely limbo?

Oh god why when you showed me the sun when the fortress fell did you send me the storm

 

[WickedEve]

The first comment I will make is concerning the structure of the poem. It looks like prose, though basically reads like poetry. Maybe if you tried this, for example:

I built a fortress around my heart,
could not feel, could not hurt!
Then I saw your smile
it was like being touched
by the warm sun on a winters day
like a river entering the sea
you slowly trickled your way to fill my heart

And from here you may want to get rid of a few unneeded words and change things around a little bit.

I built a fortress around my heart--
could not feel, could not hurt.
Then your smile was the warm sun
touching me on a Winter's day.
Like a river entering the sea
you slowly trickled your way to fill my heart.

Then you may want to fine tune it a little more.

Hurt could not penetrate
the fortress I built,
though your smile touched me
like warm sun on a Winter's day.
You were a river entering the sea,
flowing straight into me.

Actually, there are many ways to revise this poem. Above are just a few suggestions.

 

[icebaby]

re new poem

Thanks for your feed back it does look and read better the way you have done it i need to find that fine line between writing stories and poetry thanks again