First poem

[Matt Twattingle]

This is a poem to a rap beat (and I am way too old and white to write rap). It was inspired by my cybersex partner whom I have never met nor probably will meet. (mutual committed relationships you know). We have been meeting for a little over a month and it has been very good. Would like a review and a critique.





If you willing, maybe chillin

perhaps your jillin

i'll jack for you tonight

spillin my seed don' need any weed

I'll jack for you tonight

a little creamy puff on your little muff

I'll jack for you tonight

get you thighs a little wetter

my hands are under your sweater

I'll jack for you tonight

slide my slick willie

through the valley of the cups

pumping up and down

pumping all around

I'll jack for you tonight

perhaps a flood

around your rose bud

A pearl necklace?

a sweet caress?

I'll Jack for you tonight

hot for you to trot for you, getting wet, missing my pet, pre-cum now

Jacking and Jiilling tweaking and twilling faster and faster

what a good master!

spurting and spunking wanking and yanking

Flowing and blowing wet with u now

holding you close missing u most.

Jack with me tonight?

 

[Angeline]

Boldly Stepping Forth

I Angeline, intrepid poet, shall attempt to review your poem without undue embarrassment to either of us. Rolling up my sleeves and here I go.

The good news is I write a lot of music poetry including, believe it or not a sex rap poem sorta like yours called Disposa Rides Again. The bad news is I am also old and white, but let's see.

I like your poem, Matt. This is a sex site, dernit, and we write erotica here (something this poet fails to remember on occasion).

I am very aware of the musical quality of poems--I think the best poems, when they work, have a rhythmic flow. Some, like yours, really need to get the "music" across. I think for the most part it does, but I would make some changes to make the beat more obvious, and to make usage of terms more consistent across the poem (God I sound like Our Miss Brooks meets Linda Lovelace, lol). Take the changes if you like or not, but this is how I heard it.

[And listen you other poets, I know I have a filthy imagination but so do the rest of you, so ix-nay on too much easing-tay, ok?]

If you willin, if you chillin

you can be my Jill when

i'm jackin for you tonight.


If i'm drillin, if i'm spillin

I won't need no weed

jackin for you tonight.


Gonna put a cream puff

on your little buff muff

jackin for you tonight.


Gonna get you wetter

slippin under your sweater

jackin for you tonight


Oh I'll slide my slick willie

up the lily of your valley

sneakin willie through the alley

while i'm pumpin up and down

and i'm movin all around

jackin for you tonight.


I might even leave a flood

round your little rose bud

jackin for you tonight.


I'm hot for you to trot for you,

I've got a wet spot for you

and we're Jackin and Jiillin

and we're tweakin and twillin

movin faster and faster

hot damn what a master!


We're spurtin and spunkin and

wankin and funkin and

flowin and blowin we're

wet as we can get I'm

holdin you still cause i'm

missin you Jill so please

Jack with me tonight.

 

[Angeline]

Um

Eve? I hear you laughing already.....

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Um

Eve? I hear you laughing already.....

Don't you love that name? Twattingle! I'd love to scream this guy's name out during sex. Oh yes, yes, Matt Twattingle!

Hey, Angeline, did you get a twat tingle rewriting that poem?

 

[Angeline]

Eve

No, but I had a hot jingle.

P.S. Be nice to Matt. He asked for help politely.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Eve

No, but I had a hot jingle.

P.S. Be nice to Matt. He asked for help politely.

Ohhh, I think I was very, very nice to Matt. Oh Matt... Matt..

 

[JUDO]

Re: Boldly Stepping Forth

Originally posted by Angeline
[And listen you other poets, I know I have a filthy imagination but so do the rest of you, so ix-nay on too much easing-tay, ok?]

No teasing, strictly musical business. The repetitive line doesn't meet the meter for me. So, below, I'm offering my take on this rap.

Jack for my Jill, Baby

If you willin', if you chillin'
You can always be my Jill when
Right at home
Let hands roam
Miles apart let's get our fillin'.

If I'm drillin and I'm spillin'
There's no major need for billin'
Mighty weed
Raised from seed,
Just get nekkid for hot grillin'.

I'm Jack!
Jackin' for you tonight.
Im' Jack!
Jackin' for you tonight.

Gonna put a cream puff
On your little buff muff
Spill ma seed
Where ya bleed
Gonna give ya love rough.

Gonna get you wet-ter
Slippin up your swea-ter
Bite the pink.
Whatcha think?
Feelin' so much bet-ter!

Oh, I'll slide my slick willie
Up the valley of your lily
Back alley, sneakin' willie
As we dally, and we dilly.

I'm Jack!
Jackin' for you tonight!
I'm Jack!
Jackin' for Jill tonight

While I'm pumpin' up and down
You'll be rubbin' all around
'Hear ya breathin'
Like a heathen.
Can you fit this big ol' crown?

I spew a mighty big flood
'Round your little rose bud.
Take a ride
Deep inside
In and out on my pud.

I'm Jack!
Jackin for you tonight.
I'm Jack!
Jackin for you tonight.

I'm hot for you to trot for you,
I've got a big wet spot for you.
We Jackin' and we Jillin'
And we tweakin' and we twillin'

Movin' faster ever faster
Hot damn -- what a master!
As we spurtin' and we spunkin'
And we wankin' and we funkin'.

Get to flowin' and to blowin'
I can hear the cock a crowin'.
Here I come, you better bet!
Can you get it wetter yet?

Deep in you, I'll get my fill
And for your phone, just send the bill.
By my warm heart, I hold you still
Just listen up. I miss you Jill!

I'm Jack!
Jackin for you tonight!
I'm Jack!
Jackin for you tonight!

For now we're done, we've had our fun
Tomorrow night, I'll call you, hon.
Just wear a robe and bring a towel
I'll say the words to make you growl.

I'm Jack!
Jack with me tonight.
I'm Jack!
Jack with me tonight.

 

[Matt Twattingle]

Thank you!

Angeline, WickedEve and Judo great suggestions!

Judo your definately out of the closed now!

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Re: Boldly Stepping Forth

Jack for my Jill, Baby

If you willin', if you chillin'
You can always be my Jill when
Right at home
Let hands roam
Miles apart let's get our fillin'.

second line - I keep droping always,
If ya willin', if ya chillin,
ya can be my jill n' when

then I'm loosing let
right at home
hands roam

Then again, I am notorious for striking as many words as possible,...

and yes, damnit, I'm white too

HomerPindar

 

[Matt Twattingle]

your help

"ill slide my slick willy
up the valley of your lilly"

Love it judo!! absolutely love it you captured the lust and the rough!

thanks homer. I appreciate all of your suggestions
I feel like such a pervert!

feels good too!

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Re: Boldly Stepping Forth

second line - I keep droping always,
If ya willin', if ya chillin,
ya can be my jill n' when

then I'm loosing let
right at home
hands roam

Then again, I am notorious for striking as many words as possible,...

and yes, damnit, I'm white too

HomerPindar

LMAO. White's got NOTHIN' to do with it. Jus'gotta swing, baby.

* * *

(musical notation in paranthesis) and emphasized syllables in bold.

If ya willin', (4 8th notes) If ya chillin', (4 8th notes)
You can always be my Jill when (8 8th notes)
Right at home (2 8th notes and a quarter note)
Let hands roam (2 8th notes and a quarter note)
Miles apart, let's get out fillin'. (8 8th notes)

Every line adds up to 4 metric beats. You know, the ol' 4/4?

* * *

If the notation doesn't help, try this:

Dut dut DAH-duh Dut dut DAH-duh
Dut dut dut dut dut dut DAH-duh
Dut dut DAH-
Dut dut DAH-
Dut dut dut dut dut dut DAH-duh


- Judo

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Boldly Stepping Forth

LMAO. White's got NOTHIN' to do with it. Jus'gotta swing, baby.

* * *

(musical notation in paranthesis) and emphasized syllables in bold.

If ya willin', (4 8th notes) If ya chillin', (4 8th notes)
You can always be my Jill when (8 8th notes)
Right at home (2 8th notes and a quarter note)
Let hands roam (2 8th notes and a quarter note)
Miles apart, let's get out fillin'. (8 8th notes)

Every line adds up to 4 metric beats. You know, the ol' 4/4?

- Judo

See, now I want to go get my man Flipside on this, because he knows his shit about hip-hop... but, not having him handy here, I'lll hazard a point, hip hop doesn't stick to fourfour meter, it has breaks, jumps, and a whole lotta words one after the other...course, it also stays focused on a subject by pointing out how the word usage is not always on point, if that made any sense whatsoever.

HomerPindar

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Boldly Stepping Forth

See, now I want to go get my man Flipside on this, because he knows his shit about hip-hop... but, not having him handy here, I'lll hazard a point, hip hop doesn't stick to fourfour meter, it has breaks, jumps, and a whole lotta words one after the other...course, it also stays focused on a subject by pointing out how the word usage is not always on point, if that made any sense whatsoever.

HomerPindar

It does. The typical rap is most assuredly 4/4, but what I believe you are getting at is the way many raps allow the accents of the words to cross over the lines and accent in places not part of the downbeat. What, in a classic sense, we would call agogic accents. In most so-so rap (read: not produced by Quincy Jones), it's what I would call an attitude that tells me: "Hey, I'm doin' it and it works, so who cares what you think?"

In my own, case, I would tell most rappers "I could and you cain't, so I did."

Take it for what it's worth, Homer. They's a million-and-one ways to rap it.

Out.
- Judo

 

[Angeline]

Rap

I dunno all those fancy metrical words, I just know what sounds right. And, I would argue that Snoop Doggy Dog could probably get it more right than say Dr. Fowles my old poetry professor who could scan a line like nobody's bidness. On the other hand, the 4/4 beat is, indeed, the classic swing beat, so what do I know.....