First poem shared

[always_smiling]

ew...

 

[flyguy69]

Pink-Slipping The Boss
(workplace stress relief)


Lying on the floor, face down
in meditative recuperation
from your masterful blow,
I feel the carpet fibers
as they enter my being
and encapsulate my corpuscles
dragging me to my resting place
beside your long-forgotten telltale heart,
and the souls of others you've devoured on
your hate-filled crusade.

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are
merely a balloon on a string
whose altitude is forever
determined by a spiteful child,
and from my vantage point,
I could easily deliver a deathblow
to your exposed Achilles heel
however, I prefer to watch
you snag the string, and unravel yourself.

This is almost two separate poems, the second much better than the first. The first is, in fact, discardable.

The second strophe has some very nice images, however, and is worth polishing. The metaphors are too mixed at this point, though. In short order you liken (your boss?) to a con man, a balloon, a Greek warrior, and the balloon's string. I think you would do well to reduce the number of metaphors and strengthen the ones you keep.

I think it shows potential.

 

[4degrees]

i think its perfect. but that doesn't account for much, probably.

were you smiling when you wrote it?

turns me on.

 

[always_smiling]

This is almost two separate poems, the second much better than the first. The first is, in fact, discardable.

The second strophe has some very nice images, however, and is worth polishing. The metaphors are too mixed at this point, though. In short order you liken (your boss?) to a con man, a balloon, a Greek warrior, and the balloon's string. I think you would do well to reduce the number of metaphors and strengthen the ones you keep.

I think it shows potential.

Thanks. Honestly is what I'm looking for.

i think its perfect. but that doesn't account for much, probably.

were you smiling when you wrote it?

turns me on.

Turns you on? LOL!

Was I smiling when I wrote it? Hell no!! I thank God it's all behind me now!!

Thanks for reading.

 

[Guest]

Pink-Slipping The Boss
(workplace stress relief)

Great title. I like your clever, stress reliever. Your poem doesn't read as two to me, but as one in need of a good nip/tuck. The first line of the 1st stanza and the last of the second tie it all together. So do some cuts; think lean and mean. It hurts, but it in the end it feels as good as it looks.

 

[Guest]

Pink-Slipping The Boss
(workplace stress relief)


Lying on the floor, face down
in meditative recuperation
from your masterful blow,
I feel the carpet fibers
as they enter my being
and encapsulate my corpuscles
dragging me to my resting place
beside your long-forgotten telltale heart,
and the souls of others you've devoured on
your hate-filled crusade.

I disagree with the fly man. This is worth keeping but I'd drop the "on" down to begin the last line to smooth the read.

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are
merely a balloon on a string
whose altitude is forever
determined by a spiteful child,
and from my vantage point,
I could easily deliver a deathblow
to your exposed Achilles heel
however, I prefer to watch
you snag the string, and unravel yourself.

Just my dizzy spin on it but I think it's good.

 

[always_smiling]

Great title. I like your clever, stress reliever. Your poem doesn't read as two to me, but as one in need of a good nip/tuck. The first line of the 1st stanza and the last of the second tie it all together. So do some cuts; think lean and mean. It hurts, but it in the end it feels as good as it looks.

*smiles*

I like that idea. Think lean and mean by cutting. Great little review here, thanks neonurotic.

I know the key to free verse is to chop out words. At times, it's tough when venting.

I disagree with the fly man. This is worth keeping but I'd drop the "on" down to begin the last line to smooth the read.

Just my dizzy spin on it but I think it's good.

Another good idea. Thanks for reading, Tristesse.

 

[Liar]

Nice, though a bit hyperbolic at times. But on the other hand that, the way you spit wourds out untrimmed, adds to the rant-factor of it all in a refreshi8ng way.

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are
merely a balloon on a string
whose altitude is forever
determined by a spiteful child,

Have no idea why, but I really love that part.

 

[always_smiling]

Nice, though a bit hyperbolic at times. But on the other hand that, the way you spit wourds out untrimmed, adds to the rant-factor of it all in a refreshi8ng way.

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are
merely a balloon on a string
whose altitude is forever
determined by a spiteful child,

Have no idea why, but I really love that part.

Thanks. That's my favorite part of the poem myself.

I appreciate you reading, and giving your opinion.

 

[WickedEve]

Good poem. I only one quickie suggestion:

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are merely
a balloon on a string

I suppose you could end the line with "are" but I always think it reads rather oddly to end lines with words like are.

 

[always_smiling]

Good poem. I only one quickie suggestion:

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are merely
a balloon on a string

I suppose you could end the line with "are" but I always think it reads rather oddly to end lines with words like are.

Maybe I should make that "you're" instead. Thanks for the input.

to con others into believing
you're a ballon on a string.

I think I like that better.

 

[templeminded]

Pink-Slipping The Boss
(workplace stress relief)


Lying on the floor, face down
in meditative recuperation
from your masterful blow,
I feel the carpet fibers
as they enter my being
and encapsulate my corpuscles
dragging me to my resting place
beside your long-forgotten telltale heart,
and the souls of others you've devoured on
your hate-filled crusade.

You spin a pity-seeking facade
to con others into believing you are
merely a balloon on a string
whose altitude is forever
determined by a spiteful child,
and from my vantage point,
I could easily deliver a deathblow
to your exposed Achilles heel
however, I prefer to watch
you snag the string, and unravel yourself.

very good poem, you have a way with words that is awesome
nin-

 

[always_smiling]

very good poem, you have a way with words that is awesome
nin-

That's great!! I appreciate your comment.

 

[templeminded]

That's great!! I appreciate your comment.

you're welcome anytime- but next time- we'll leave the confusion to itself....lol
nin-