First Poem I've Ever Written...

[Robbin_Young]

And I'd love for you to read it, and vote and/or comment.
http://www.literotica.com/p/heartless-3

Thank you very much!

Robbin
xoxo

 

[RedButterflySlut]

I read your poem, I really relate to it. It's tough, trying to open again once someone has taken your heart. Especially since the more elusive a girl is, the more others want to pin her down.

You captured the heart of casual lovers quite well; the bittersweet fleeting feeling of joining bodies, and the knowledge that it won't last.
Excellent first poem, I hope you keep up with it.

 

[Robbin_Young]

Hi RedButterflySlut

I read your poem, I really relate to it. It's tough, trying to open again once someone has taken your heart. Especially since the more elusive a girl is, the more others want to pin her down.

You captured the heart of casual lovers quite well; the bittersweet fleeting feeling of joining bodies, and the knowledge that it won't last.
Excellent first poem, I hope you keep up with it.

OMG, I never expected such praise...thank you VERY much! Your kind words inspire me to write more poems.

Have a lovely evening! ~MUAH~

Robbin
xoxo

 

[butters]

welcome to the forum, robbin

congratulations on writing your first poem. further congrats on finding this forum, which has proven itself as a great place for poetic development and inspiration. keep writing!

 

[Robbin_Young]

Hi chipbutty!

welcome to the forum, robbin

congratulations on writing your first poem. further congrats on finding this forum, which has proven itself as a great place for poetic development and inspiration. keep writing!

Thank you for the kind welcome. OMG, you've got sooo many posts, I'm thrilled you took time to reply to me.

Yes, I feel I found this site, as they say...for a "Reason" and I do hope to learn from everyone here. I know nothing about writing, and I use a lot of ...'s and I've got a LOT of work ahead of me.

Thank you, again, and have a GREAT weekend!

Robbin
xoxo

 

[butters]

Thank you for the kind welcome. OMG, you've got sooo many posts, I'm thrilled you took time to reply to me.

Yes, I feel I found this site, as they say...for a "Reason" and I do hope to learn from everyone here. I know nothing about writing, and I use a lot of ...'s and I've got a LOT of work ahead of me.

Thank you, again, and have a GREAT weekend!

Robbin
xoxo

robbin, never be impressed by a high post count. any fool can type a load of tut.

i hope you enjoy your journey
you too.

 

[Black13]

Woohoo! You broke the seal Confident words, I think. You know what you're looking for, at least, and know where to draw the lines. Unfortunately it usually takes a few crappy breakups to establish that, but ultimately I think you convey a message that anyone who's been into and out of a relationship can relate to.

 

[bogusagain]

My passionate kisses are real,
So share them with me.

You appear to be asking someone to share your own kisses with you yourself.

My warm embraces are real,
So hold me tenderly.

Do we really need to know if your kisses and embraces are real? Surely the assumption is they are unless you state otherwise.

My erotic lovemaking is real,

I suppose love making can be a daily grind but one would assume it is erotic if you make the writing erotic.

So cum with me.

better to describe than state.

My carnal moans are real,
So know you're pleasing me.[/I

Describe your experience in word pictures, people will know what you mean.

My laughter is real,
So thank you for brightening my life

these kisses melt and weld us
like chocholates before a glowing fire
our limbs knot and entwine
in bows of silken ribbons
feel my body in splendid turmoil
beneath your pressing weight
my breathless song betrays me
as my pleasure becomes yours is mine

OK. Erotic poetry isn't my forte but you need to describe, create word pictures, not tell the reader what is happening.

 

[champagne1982]

And I'd love for you to read it, and vote and/or comment.
http://www.literotica.com/p/heartless-3

Thank you very much!

Robbin
xoxo

Do you just want a comment or would you prefer constructive critique such as you've gotten from bogusbrig?

I read your poem and I can see the sentiment, you tell us the emotions well enough. If you'd like to sincerely improve, I would suggest that you discover ways to trick your audience into empathizing or experiencing what you're explaining in your poem. Don't tell me that your lovemaking is erotic, use language to prove that your lips draw the urge to slide along another person's skin up through nipples, or tongue or whatever is being kissed. Explain that loss is a weight that is too heavy for your lungs to breathe while you carry it. Find a metaphor that shows us exactly what you want us to see instead of bluntly tossing your ideas into our face, when I read such blatant tell lines I feel like I've had a shovel full of snow tossed at me, it leaves me cold and I really don't want to experience it again.

Read poems and for practice try to emulate the style of poets you admire. These don't need to be posted for critique or review unless you want to and if that happens, the best way to ensure you continue to receive feedback is to offer it to others. When you show that you are genuinely interested and participating in developing your writing, people will enjoy helping you on that path because seeing a new poet make positive changes is rewarding. I know it makes me smile to watch growth happening.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you start threads and create a personal archive where others can read and help you see that good qualities of your work and let you know what doesn't really work for them. Take a minute in your first post on such a thread to tell visitors what you hope to accomplish with posting your poems on the board and most will respect that. Of course there will be folks who subvert the path you want to follow but they're easy enough to ignore. It's important to enjoy creating poetry, so please, take everything with a grain of salt and don't let negativity ruin your fun.

Take care.