First poem, comments please

[Lee Chambers]

This is a poem I wrote in response to a challenge in the Author's Hangout.

My nymph, dear nymph

I haven't written poetry in over ten years but I was looking for some feedback on this piece. Please tell me what you think.

 

[WickedEve]

My first impression was that it sounded like many other erotic poems on literotica. It has chocolate, passion, etc, and you're not really doing anything fresh with those clichés.

I rather like the first line. The second stanza about the Jester's house has promise. It makes me, as a reader, want to know more details. It's probably the strongest part of the poem. The stanza that follows is okay. The last two are all tell and no show and, again, sound like hundreds of other poems.

If you concentrated on editing the last two stanzas, it could possibly improve the poem.

 

[ishtat]

The POV is very dull, being essentially a third person report of past memories.for example the first two lines could say:-

"I am silk and heat and wet
summer caramel and chocolate tongued"

The content is the same but it gives a chance to be the subject rather than report upon it. There are loads more Pov's and sometimes its fun to write the same subject 3 or 4 different ways

 

[Lee Chambers]

Thank you both for your feedback. The original version if this poem was a lot longer and a bit more graphic but I ended up editing it down to it's current version because I thought it was a little too much. Maybe I should have left it as it was.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Thank you both for your feedback. The original version if this poem was a lot longer and a bit more graphic but I ended up editing it down to it's current version because I thought it was a little too much. Maybe I should have left it as it was.

Too much for Literotica? Have you seen what's going on around here? I mean... *grin*

I agree with what's been said already. I'm thinking it's as much about the time placement as the point of view. I'm reading that you're telling me about what happened a long time ago - what if you describe it as if it's happening now? Then I as a reader can join you, as it were, in the scene. We read in part because we want to put ourselves into the piece, whether it's poetry or fiction. So involve me.

Let me suggest that instead of trying to bash this piece into something else, you might just sit down and write a bit more about her. Take yourself back to the moment and describe it. Speak to her directly:

you met me at the Jester's house
you taste like caramel
you whisper to me in the dark

or at least describe it to me, since I want to see her too:
She tastes like caramel
whispers to me in the dark

that sort of thing. Let your mind rove around on the little details; the story behind it, your memory, things like that will be obvious from your tone that way and you won't have to directly TELL me that you miss her and she's still in your heart.

hope that helps a little, darlin'. Good for you for moving into new territory.

bijou

 

[Sapphire_O]

I agree that it is not sensual enough for erotica. Poetry (imo) is about images and rhythm. You should have fun with it. Love the way is sounds rolling off your tongue. Love the paths it draws your eyes down. Love the way it feels inside. Poetry is the place where a writer can really allow him or herself to fall in love with the words. ha... sorry got carried away there.

 

[Lee Chambers]

Too much for Literotica? Have you seen what's going on around here? I mean... *grin*

Well not too much in the sense that it was something people couldn't handle. Rather it had too many words and ended up being porn that rhymed.

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe I'll try writing another poem and making it better than this one.

 

[Lee Chambers]

I agree that it is not sensual enough for erotica. Poetry (imo) is about images and rhythm. You should have fun with it. Love the way is sounds rolling off your tongue. Love the paths it draws your eyes down. Love the way it feels inside. Poetry is the place where a writer can really allow him or herself to fall in love with the words. ha... sorry got carried away there.

Not at all, I think this is good advice and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.