First person, or third?

[Stella_Omega]

I posted it in first person- but it's not autobiographical at all...
Which seems better?

We met beneath the highschool bleachers where
The benches faded in the chilly mist
Sweat-shirted and fifteen I met her there
And touched her on the arm, and nearly kissed
her lip brushing my lip, so I could taste
The sugar in the Maybelline she wore
And breathed, in shy and startled haste
The grown-up note of perfume in her hair,
And for a precious second our lives stopped.
Invasion broke our private sphere that day;
The kids who searched the grass for quarters dropped,
The drum major called my section into play.
So I ran, and took with me a sense of loss
And the scent of AquaNet and candy gloss.

or;

They met beneath the highschool bleachers where
The benches faded in the chilly mist
Sweat-shirted and fifteen he met her there
And touched her on the arm, and nearly kissed
her, brushing past her lip, so he could taste
The sugar in the Maybelline she wore
And breathed, in shy and startled haste
The grown-up note of perfume in her hair,
And for a precious second their lives stopped.
Invasion broke that private sphere that day;
The kids who searched the grass for quarters dropped,
The drum major called his section into play.
So he ran, and took with him a sense of loss
And the scent of AquaNet and candy gloss.

 

[bogusbrig]

I posted it in first person- but it's not autobiographical at all...
Which seems better?

or;

I'm rushing out to work now but I'll try and get on later but I would suggest dropping the beginning 'We met..' You repeat yourself a couple of lines later. I think that beginning makes your poem start very weak.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm rushing out to work now but I'll try and get on later but I would suggest dropping the beginning 'We met..' You repeat yourself a couple of lines later. I think that beginning makes your poem start very weak.

Yes, i see what you mean. I don't mind it so much in the first person version- it's kind of sweet and naive. But in the third person, it shows as a flaw.

She stood beneath the highschool bleachers where
The benches faded in the chilly mist
Sweat-shirted and fifteen he met her there
And touched her on the arm, and nearly kissed
her, brushing past her lip, so he could taste
The sugar in the Maybelline she wore
And breathed, in shy and startled haste
The grown-up note of perfume in her hair,
And for a precious second their lives stopped.
Invasion broke that private sphere that day;
The kids who searched the grass for quarters dropped,
The drum major called his section into play.
So he ran, and took with him a sense of loss
And the scent of AquaNet and candy gloss.

 

[WickedEve]

Definitely first person. It gives it that nice feeling of a sweet reminiscence.

 

[eagleyez]

Definitely first person. It gives it that nice feeling of a sweet reminiscence.

*agrees with Evie*

 

[WickedEve]

*agrees with Evie*

smart man. ange has trained you well.

 

[annaswirls]

I posted it in first person- but it's not autobiographical at all...
Which seems better?

or;

Nice sentimental feeling-- Maybeline sugar indeed!
I think first person works better, but have you considered 2nd? Just out of curiosity...

Also, I wanted more of a STOP when their lives stopped. Can something else happen to make an actual pause in the action? You know those moments always seem longer than they are, I know, I fell in love at the football game too. Clarinet meets Marimba under section 3.

You do a great job of recalling all of the nuances that you notice about a person when up close, and those teenage senses on high alert!

One time a 7th grade boy asked me why girls liked to smell like fruit and flowers...



You met beneath the highschool bleachers where
The benches faded in the chilly mist
Sweat-shirted and fifteen you met her there
And touched her on the arm, and nearly kissed
her lip brushing your lip, so you could taste
The sugar in the Maybelline she wore
And breathed, in shy and startled haste
The grown-up note of perfume in her hair,
And for a precious second your lives stopped.
Invasion broke your private sphere that day;
The kids who searched the grass for quarters dropped,
The drum major called your section into play.
So you ran, and took along a sense of loss
And the scent of AquaNet and candy gloss.

 

[Angeline]

smart man. ange has trained you well.

You look very hawt in that av. Just sayin.

 

[WickedEve]

You look very hawt in that av. Just sayin.

I took it yesterday in front of my tree. I left a note there for Santa. Please bring me liposuction and botox for christmas. Just sayin... lol

 

[Angeline]

I took it yesterday in front of my tree. I left a note there for Santa. Please bring me liposuction and botox for christmas. Just sayin... lol

I just asked him for a better av.


PS Hi Stella.

I like first person better in general. Third person usually feel too removed to me though it has its place sometimes.

 

[WickedEve]

I just asked him for a better av.


PS Hi Stella.

I like first person better in general. Third person usually feel too removed to me though it has its place sometimes.

When I read Stella's line about AquaNet, I laughed. In the 80s I was never more than a foot away from a can of that stuff. lol Oh, the big, big, big, flammable hair.

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

When I read Stella's line about AquaNet, I laughed. In the 80s I was never more than a foot away from a can of that stuff. lol Oh, the big, big, big, flammable hair.

I was just thinking the same thing. AquaNet was the 'thang' back in the 80's then it changed to White Rain (Well, for me anyway) I had big poofy hair after I curled it then practically used half a can of that stuff. Now I blow dry it straight. Funny memories! Back then, it used to take me over an hour and a half to get ready to go out, and now I'm done in 40 mins.

I loved your poem, Stella. I definitely agree that it's better written in first person. Not only did it remind me of my childhood memories, it made me think of this past weekend. I went over my honey's house, and I usually never wear cover-up or lip gloss. I used my teenagers make-up. Major yuck! I tasted it the entire drive to his house. When he kissed me, he didn't like it either. I know, I know - this didn't have much to do with your poem, but it sure took me back.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks, everyone! I guess it stays in first person!
Bogusbrig, I keep going back and forth about your suggestion. In the first person, it seems so sweet, with "met repeatring like that. I agree it weakens it in one sense, but it is the sort of mistake a fifteen-year-old might make...

Annaswirls, the point after 'stopped." in my sonnet is called the "verso" where the counterpoint to the thought starts, it can come almost anywhere, but often at the twelfth line... Mine starts at the thirteenth line. I could show the verso by seperating the lines, like this;

We met beneath the highschool bleachers where
The benches faded in the chilly mist
Sweat-shirted and fifteen I met her there
And touched her on the arm, and nearly kissed
her lip brushing my lip, so I could taste
The sugar in the Maybelline she wore
And breathed, in shy and startled haste
The grown-up note of perfume in her hair,
And for a precious second our lives stopped.

Invasion broke our private sphere that day;
The kids who searched the grass for quarters dropped,
The drum major called my section into play.
So I ran, and took with me a sense of loss
And the scent of AquaNet and candy gloss.

 

[annaswirls]

Annaswirls, the point after 'stopped." in my sonnet is called the "verso" where the counterpoint to the thought starts, it can come almost anywhere, but often at the twelfth line... Mine starts at the thirteenth line. I could show the verso by seperating the lines, like this;

Ah-ha! Thanks for the sonnet lesson, I did not know that. I do like the line break there