First person narrative

[SteamyChik]

I recently posted a story in first person and would be interested in feedback on if I was able to write it so that the story flowed and could keep reader interest. I don't normally write in first person. Thanks for any feedback, suggestions or comments.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=74981

 

[Shale]

I liked the writing style, reads easily.

On a technical note, in the darkroom, they use amber lights for black and white fotos, and color is almost in the dark, as the green light is almost non-existent. You might want to fix that for those readers with dark room experience.

I know the tradition has been a red light, but just like the scene in so many cop shows where they can't trace a phone number, that is history with new technology.

One other thing in proofing, is a "through" that should be "threw."

Shale

 

[SteamyChik]

Thanks!

Great feedback. Thanks for reading and responding

 

[dr_luvs_shaving]

I liked the first person style. Nicely done. Also liked the bald pussy (needless to say) and the anal intercourse.

Maybe its me, but I found his whole plan to be more like a rape than seduction. I would have liked a mutual seduction coming out of the photo shoot (personal taste).

Overall made me hot!

Best
D_L_S

PS: Just realized, there goes my virginity with this my first post. Hope you enjoyed it!!

 

[hiddenself]

I'm a difficult reader, so take my comments with a grain of salt...

It's not a bad story, especially considering you're writing from the opposite gender's perspective.

Overall, I thought it as erotic coupling, rather than anal. The seductive scene in front of the camera was particularly stong. The anal part, on the other hand, was a little shallow and forced. It did not radiate the depth or intensity of the sex that had preceeded it. It also seemed a little fake. I would have gone with either pussy or butt, but not both (at least, not in the space that you've devoted to them).

You walked a fine line between consensual and forced sex. I think the story would have been stronger if you'd gone more clearly to either direction.

I also have some problems with the suspension of belief. I tend to like more realistic stories. Easy outs (deus ex machina devices) are not favorites of mine. See some of my comments below.


"It was easy to jimmy that open."
I know it's fantasy but I tend to frown at such easy solutions. Is it really so easy for any random jock to open a locked door? I doubt it.

"I discovered the wire rim glasses made me approachable for some reason. "
I think that "I had discovered..." is better syntax.

"I strolled along until I spied her train coming."
In real life, people rarely take the same train EVERY day of the week.

"I had over 100 shots of her from every angle."
I suppose he had to reload at some point?
You already have some good comments on the dark room details...

"Before I spurted cum all over the place, I stopped. "
Hmm. Would anyone in that position stop at that point? I wouldn't... Why should I?

"I turned around and watched her undress in some well placed mirrors."
Similar comment as the opening of the locked door. It seems too good to be true for me.

"My camera caught all of her emotions. When she saw my hard cock..."
I found this paragraph extremely erotic.

"I came up for air and began to lightly spank her engorged clit. I watched her moan..."
Another great paragraph. I liked the light spanking of the pussy. I do this in real life but I haven't often seen this particular detail in fantasy stories.

"I let out a bellow as I came,..."
"I bellowed as the remaining drops of cum were milked from my cock..."
You used the same word (bellow) both times he came. On purpose? Would it be better to use a different word one of those times?

"I kissed her mouth, letting her taste her cum on my lips..."
This is long (?) after he ate her. Would there be much taste left in his mouth by then.


That's all small fish, though. It was a good story, although I definitely prefer the "Anal at Last!"

Cheers.