First part of first posted story.

[SavannahMann]

I have gotten the first part of the story "The Author" posted. I should say, I submitted it and those in power accepted it. I believe this is where I as the author am supposed to grovel at their feet.

It's essentially a Non Conset scene, but set's up the psychological journey that the female main charicter takes. Part two is also submitted, awaiting approval or rejection. I have the first five parts, written, part six half written, and a rough idea for 7-10. I was a little uncomfortable with the violence in part one, but felt it was necessicary, and unfortunately all too common despite my personal distaste.

Any suggestions, no matter how brutally phrased would be welcome. The phrase novice doesn't begin to describe the lack of technical skill I posess at writing.

Thank you in advance. I hope you enjoy the story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=322505

 

[piltdownman]

It was short but I liked it... the violence wasn't excessive. I wasn't sure what to expect after reading your post... You didn't waste any time getting into the story but I don't think the story suffered because of it. She seemed to get from Jeremy's place to her mother's very quickly... and the last four paragraphs all started with her name. Not sure who the bitch was.. did I miss that part? Someone she worked for? It felt rushed at the end... and her mother might have been more sympathetic.. The first part moved along well I thought.. Enjoyed it.

 

[tickledkitty]

Hey there, SM. Good to see you again.

The story is not bad at all. I agree with the comments above that it seemed rushed at the end. You gave details of this one incident and its aftermath, and then sort of went into a synopsis of the next few years of her life.

Also, I wonder what Jeremy's motivation was for being so mean. You kind of went from the girl's soft fluffy happy birthday thoughts of being bf and gf, so perfect for each other, and then he suddenly turns into a total prick. Even to the point where he almost seems like he's angry with her for something that happened before this incident.

Most of your paragraphs start with either "Jeremy" or "Jennifer." Might want to mix it up a bit.

You've made a really good start! Good luck with this.

 

[SavannahMann]

Thanks

Yeah, I mentioned in another post that I tend to write scenes, and then try and piece them together.

I saw Jeremy as a real prick, a year out of high school or so, the classic small town bad boy. He made the all too common mistake of believing his own press clippings so to speak, he got into being the bad boy, and cheated on Jennifer.

I guess I could have explained that better. As he was caught in the mistake, he kind of saw his own reputation suffering if he just climbed off of her. He was a real son of a bitch at heart, and the image was Jennifer's, she was a teenager in love.

The last couple paragraphs were to cover the years between this life changing event, and the present day. The second part which is pending, picks up the story from now.

The entire story is intended to be a journey of discovery, and of self realization. This is who I am, and this is what I want kind of thing.

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, SavannahMann. Welcome.

There's a lot to like about this first installment of your story; most importantly, there's a real story with true character and plot developments. You also have a decent grasp of the mechanics of language, and give us a few wonderful bits of imagery in this brief installment, like this one:

Jennifer's orgasm receded like the tide pulling out.

I was rather impressed with the twist you put on that opening scene; in one moment that sunny little bdsm scene turns, and because of the shift in Jennifer's state of mind, we suddenly have a very disturbing non-con scene that gets at the psychology/emotion of the distinction between the two. It would be deliciously believable, too, except that I don't quite have enough understanding of Jeremy's character to buy that he goes from happy bondage play with his girl to raping her as she begs him to stop. I wish we'd gotten to see him shift gears a little more slowly, maybe struggle with it a little.

After Jennifer leaves Jeremy's place, the rest of the chapter feels pretty rushed, especially the fast-forward through two or three years of post-high school life. I think you can skip that and pick up with her story at whatever point you're going to resume. You can let little tidbits of info about her dropping out of college and working a few crummy jobs drop in dialogue or narrative as the real story continues.

As a general comment, your prose is pretty good, but (as is true of all of us) it could be better. Your opening scene is intense, frenetic, shifting from charged sexual energy to intense emotional pain. Your prose needs to keep up, to drive the momentum of the action and feelings you're putting across. Every word, every phrase should carry its weight, creating the imagery, the energy you want for each moment of the story.

Jennifer pulled on the ropes binding her to the bed reveling in the erotic bondage as Jeremy fucked her. She was spread eagle on her back, a pillow under her ass, raising her pelvis to her boyfriend. Ropes bound her hands and ankles.

Everything I've underlined is somewhat redundant, so you're taking up a lot of extra words to convey an image that could be put across more succinctly, or else with greater visceral impact. Also, the phrase "erotic bondage" doesn't add anything, doesn't give me a sensation to experience vicariously. Wasted words water down your prose, which is always bad, but especially dangerous in the opening paragraph, when you need to grab your readers by the throat and make them need to keep reading.

For comparison, here's your opening with a few minor changes.

Jennifer strained against the ropes, reveling in the delicious pain as they dug into her wrists and ankles, binding her spread-eagle as Jeremy pumped into her cunt, raised up to him by the pillow under her ass.

It's more concise, and I think it's got more concrete sensory detail.

I hope that's helpful. Again, welcome, and good luck continuing your story.

-Varian

 

[drksideofthemoon]

As TK pointed out, most of your paragraphs started out Jeremy, or Jennifer. After a bit, it got to be annoying.

Bascially you've written a rape scene. No, means no. When she says no, it's rape.

I had a huge problem with this;

Her Mother listened, and finally said "Tough way to grow up Jen, but you'll be fine in a few days." Then she gave Jennifer a bath, and had Jennifer wash herself carefully.

Her daughter has just been raped, and hit at least once so hard that she fell down, and this is what her mother has to say?

And wash herself carefully? What is that supposed to mean?

The ending was just plain dull. You sum up two years of her life in a few paragraphs.

Sorry, there's nothing in this chapter that would make me want to read any further.

 

[Varian P]

I had a huge problem with this;

Her Mother listened, and finally said "Tough way to grow up Jen, but you'll be fine in a few days." Then she gave Jennifer a bath, and had Jennifer wash herself carefully.

Her daughter has just been raped, and hit at least once so hard that she fell down, and this is what her mother has to say?

This is a really good point. It troubled me, too, and for some reason I decided not to mention it. But it's important, and as the story is now, you gloss over the mother's response to her daughter's rape and beating, and it undermines the credibility of the characters and the story. Her response is appropriate to a daughter upset about an unfaithful boyfriend, not a violent sexual assault.

I reasoned that maybe Jennifer wouldn't mention the rape to her mother, and I think that's believable. But the mother could obviously see that she'd been punched in the face, and if the mom isn't calling the police, you need to give us a reason why.

 

[tickledkitty]

I kind of disagree with you all about the mother's reaction to Jennifer's rape. I think there are women in this world--lots and lots of them--who feel it is their lot in life to put up with whatever crap men dish out. I think a woman like that would pretty much tell her daughter to "buck up" and move on. This is the same type of woman who knows her husband is cheating on her repeatedly but chooses to turn a blind eye, not rocking the boat. This is the type of woman who feels that if a woman has been taken advantage of, she was at fault somehow--somehow invited the attack. I don't think this is an uncommon attitude at all.

Please don't attack me for this. It would not be my attitude were something to happen to my own daughter, and I'm not saying it's right or appropriate. I'm just saying I think there are many mothers who would react the same way. They wouldn't see it as rape if the daughter and her boyfriend were already having sex anyway.

 

[Varian P]

I kind of disagree with you all about the mother's reaction to Jennifer's rape. I think there are women in this world--lots and lots of them--who feel it is their lot in life to put up with whatever crap men dish out. I think a woman like that would pretty much tell her daughter to "buck up" and move on. This is the same type of woman who knows her husband is cheating on her repeatedly but chooses to turn a blind eye, not rocking the boat. This is the type of woman who feels that if a woman has been taken advantage of, she was at fault somehow--somehow invited the attack. I don't think this is an uncommon attitude at all.

Please don't attack me for this. It would not be my attitude were something to happen to my own daughter, and I'm not saying it's right or appropriate. I'm just saying I think there are many mothers who would react the same way. They wouldn't see it as rape if the daughter and her boyfriend were already having sex anyway.

I think you're right, actually, that there are women out there who are conditioned to accept abuse as a normal part of life, and/or to blame the victim when it happens. And there are probably other women who would sort of pretend the rape hadn't happened, out of shame or for other reasons.

In the context of the story, though, to me, the scene didn't read that way. Honestly, when I read it through a second time, I had a feeling that the author had changed the nature of the assault after writing the mother's reaction, and never went back to change her response, because it felt so dead-on for, "Mom! Jeremy had sex with my best friend!" Sob, sob. For me to believe that this is her mother's reaction to her daughter being raped and punched in the face, I need Jennifer to feel hurt that this is her mom's reaction, or some indication that her mother is hardened to this kind of abuse in her life.

This is the tricky thing about writing fiction: we can write something that happens all the time, but if it come across as 'unrealistic' rather than an accurate portrayal of strange but common human behavior, it isn't working.

I'm not saying two people having trouble with a passage means it doesn't work; that's for the author to decide.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I kind of disagree with you all about the mother's reaction to Jennifer's rape. I think there are women in this world--lots and lots of them--who feel it is their lot in life to put up with whatever crap men dish out. I think a woman like that would pretty much tell her daughter to "buck up" and move on. This is the same type of woman who knows her husband is cheating on her repeatedly but chooses to turn a blind eye, not rocking the boat. This is the type of woman who feels that if a woman has been taken advantage of, she was at fault somehow--somehow invited the attack. I don't think this is an uncommon attitude at all.

Please don't attack me for this. It would not be my attitude were something to happen to my own daughter, and I'm not saying it's right or appropriate. I'm just saying I think there are many mothers who would react the same way. They wouldn't see it as rape if the daughter and her boyfriend were already having sex anyway.

I agree with what you are saying, but in the context of this story, there is no evidence to support your assertion.

I agree with what VarianP said in the previous post, it was like the author had written the mother's response to Jeremey's cheating, and then wrote the rape scene afterwards.

This bit here leads credence to VarianP's comment.

From a corner of her mind, Jennifer heard her Mom, talking to her Dad and Brother. "You two go now, leave us, this is girl stuff."

Rape and assault can hardly be classified as girl stuff, while a breakup with a boyfriend certainly could be.

 

[SavannahMann]

Thanks to everyone

I've been working too many hours this week to reply to this thread, however I have taken time to read and consider all your comments, and I want to thank you all. I hadn't noticed that I tended to start the paragraphs with names, too often, and I thank you. The dialogue between Jen and her mom is weak, and could have used some more work.

I do appreciate all the suggestions and observations. Any others, I'll read them as soon as I can, in the mean time I have to get read to dash off and do another 12 hours at work.