First Literary Piece. Need gut feelings of all.
- Thread starter jabberwok
- Start date
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Jabberwok,
You need to post the URL for your story. RF
You need to post the URL for your story. RF
Last edited:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39174
Jabberwok;
First off, welcome! Nice to see a new author. I'm relatively new myself. There is a good crowd in here. I hope you enjoy it.
Now for the story stuff.
This was a REALLY cool idea! Never seen Psych ward drama handled like this. Thanks for posting.
This story is a solid first effort. As such, there is room for improvement. First of all, you do too much too fast. All that intro stuff should be handled differently. Perhaps in flashback, remembrance, etc. It drags down your story, and serves no real purpose. How he got in the ward is less important than the fact that he is in, cannot get out, and is being terrorized by Goth-Bitch Tyra. (I like the Tyra/tyrant word association, by the way. If it was intentional, it was cool. If not, it works in your favour!) Because of the way you chose to start, your story lacks a hook.
A hook is just that; it catches you, and draws you into the tale. Without it, a reader on Literotica might well just back click, and read the next story. Learn to write good hooks, and the battle is half won.
Saying you stand 5 foot 5, then saying you are short is redundant. People will figure that out all on their own.
What was the purpose of Amy and her consoling visit? You never bring her up again, even as a jailhouse fantasy piece. If I was locked up for a year, I'd be wanking to the memory of the only female who seemed to give a damn about my sorry ass. It would also show character. It could have been placed in the scene where your character soiled his stripped down bed. Don't introduce spear carriers w/o any purpose.
You never explain Tyra's power in the ward. You really should. Why can she control all of the guards, the doctors, the nurses and the patients? Is it charisma, money or fear? As corrupt as prisons and hospitals can be, who is she to wield such power? The head RN or doctor, maybe. An inmate? Doubtful. Is she the daughter of a congressman? The hospital administrator's fuckslut? Mafia Don's progeny? There has to be something. Otherwise, these corrupt guards would be stretching her tight ass and ramming her face full of cock constantly. They don't put up with shit from pushy inmates.
You know how to spin an engaging yarn, and can plot action well. Keep on writing, Jabberwok. You'll only get better.
Cheers, mate!
-T
Jabberwok;
First off, welcome! Nice to see a new author. I'm relatively new myself. There is a good crowd in here. I hope you enjoy it.
Now for the story stuff.
This was a REALLY cool idea! Never seen Psych ward drama handled like this. Thanks for posting.
This story is a solid first effort. As such, there is room for improvement. First of all, you do too much too fast. All that intro stuff should be handled differently. Perhaps in flashback, remembrance, etc. It drags down your story, and serves no real purpose. How he got in the ward is less important than the fact that he is in, cannot get out, and is being terrorized by Goth-Bitch Tyra. (I like the Tyra/tyrant word association, by the way. If it was intentional, it was cool. If not, it works in your favour!) Because of the way you chose to start, your story lacks a hook.
A hook is just that; it catches you, and draws you into the tale. Without it, a reader on Literotica might well just back click, and read the next story. Learn to write good hooks, and the battle is half won.
Saying you stand 5 foot 5, then saying you are short is redundant. People will figure that out all on their own.
What was the purpose of Amy and her consoling visit? You never bring her up again, even as a jailhouse fantasy piece. If I was locked up for a year, I'd be wanking to the memory of the only female who seemed to give a damn about my sorry ass. It would also show character. It could have been placed in the scene where your character soiled his stripped down bed. Don't introduce spear carriers w/o any purpose.
You never explain Tyra's power in the ward. You really should. Why can she control all of the guards, the doctors, the nurses and the patients? Is it charisma, money or fear? As corrupt as prisons and hospitals can be, who is she to wield such power? The head RN or doctor, maybe. An inmate? Doubtful. Is she the daughter of a congressman? The hospital administrator's fuckslut? Mafia Don's progeny? There has to be something. Otherwise, these corrupt guards would be stretching her tight ass and ramming her face full of cock constantly. They don't put up with shit from pushy inmates.
You know how to spin an engaging yarn, and can plot action well. Keep on writing, Jabberwok. You'll only get better.
Cheers, mate!
-T
