First fiction piece

[herecomestherain]

I'd be very grateful of any feedback or comments on my first fiction piece here on Lit. An Artist and Her Muse was inspired by a very beautiful photo of a very beautiful man friend, the rest is a combination of real life, fantasy and a vivid imagination. I hope you enjoy it but would also value any improvement comments.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=133317

Thanks 'rain

 

[Hotcappucino]

A very nice story, 'rain. I think the strength of your writing lies in your beautiful descriptions and rich choice of words. Reading your story was like luxuriating in a nice hot bath.

This next comment isn't intended as a criticism, but when I first started reading, I thought I was reading a gay story from a male artist's point of view. It wasn't until the ninth paragraph, where the main character mentions pulling up her skirt, that my perspective shifted; a rather abrupt shift at that since, up to that point, I'd already created an image of what the narrator looked like. I'm sure it must be some sort of unconscious bias on my part, assuming a male artist rather than a female one.

The only suggestion I have is to watch your punctuation, especially your use of commas.

In some cases, some of your sentences run together with a comma-splice:

Call me picky, but I was an artist in search of a very particular look, you know the finely honed, well-muscled flexible man, a man with a body that had definition and strength.

should be

Call me picky, but I was an artist in search of a very particular look. You know, the finely honed, well-muscled flexible man, a man with a body that had definition and strength.

and

Standing close to him I lifted my foot to rest it on the edge of the bed, first there were sandals to be removed, then we'd deal with the skirt.

should be

Standing close to him, I lifted my foot to rest it on the edge of the bed. First there were sandals to be removed, then we'd deal with the skirt.

Here's an example of a missing comma before introductory word and conjunction joining two independent phrases:

Ironically I had created a clever illusion for the only sex those sheets had seen recently was of the solo kind.

should be

Ironically, I had created a clever illusion, for the only sex those sheets had seen recently was of the solo kind.

Missing commas before vocatives (a common error in the story):

"I want you Ella."
"The skirt Nick? Lose the skirt?
"You mean like this Nick?"

should be

"I want you, Ella."
"The skirt, Nick? Lose the skirt?
"You mean like this, Nick?"

I know that sounds a little nit-picky. For me, though, punctuation errors slow down the flow of the reading because sometimes the errors make me have to go back and re-read the sentence.

All in all, a very nice, elegant story for your first effort. Looking forward to reading more stories from you.

 

[herecomestherain]

A BIG thanks,

Hey there Hotcappucino, thank you very much for your generous feedback, I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I've been called a little comma shy, I think that perhaps I should have gone over the story more closely, with that in mind.

I'm still not 100% sure about the comma before vocatives, they seem to indicate a pause where in some cases, there is none. I'll need to read up on this.

Thanks also for your observation about the sex of the narrator, I only really thought about that today when you pointed it out. I do mention a "pussy" in the sixth paragraph, maybe it should have been earlier? You've made me aware of that for next time.

Thanks again, it's very helpful to get feedback.

Cheers,
'rain