First ever story

[youngrabbit]

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[youngrabbit]

To be continued.....

 

[ericahope]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place!

I've been having a go at writting a few stories, never done it before and wanted some feedback. I've based them loosley on real life incidents/experiences.

Hi, I read through the draft above as well as checked out your picture page and...well, one is certainly a lot better than the other

I realize it's the start of a first draft, but there's really no point in posting even a draft story for others to read without first doing a basic spelling and grammar check. I find it's hard to even concentrate on a plot when that stuff is so wrong. The first thing you need to change is you can't switch back and forth between tenses...you use both past and present. There are also a lot of spelling, capitalization and punctuation errors. In addition, I don't think you should use numerals to describe physical looks. Use words instead.

There's also some issues with the flow of the story. An example is the scene when you first meet the neighbors. It sounds like they come to your door and the man takes a seat in your house without even being invited to do so. I just found it odd that someone would do this and your character didn't find it the least bit strange. Things like this are jarring to me and makes me question the story.

As for the story itself... The sex is okay, but I don't really know anything about the characters other than they've just moved to the country and I have a vague idea of their physical appearance (which isn't all that necessary). You should spend a little time letting the reader get to know you and your girlfriend before diving right into the sex. Give me a reason to care about your characters. Why'd you move to the country (it's certainly out of the ordinary for a couple as young as you two to move to the country)? How long have you been dating? Do you have an open relationship? Are you swingers? Is this the first time?

Without getting to know you and your girlfriend a little, it's hard to make the plot believable. The vast majority of people don't sleep with their neighbors regardless of how hot they are (particularly the second time they meet them), so there should be at least a little explanation of why you two decide to do so.

Well, I know I've been critical, but I hope this helps. Seriously, I'd recommend an editor before posting again.

Erica

PS: I like your pictures

 

[driphoney]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place!

Yes. I sense a move in your future.

It's confusing.

 

[youngrabbit]

thanks for the feedback, I kinda thought i was out of my depth with this, now I know I am lol

 

[clownprince2008]

First things first. Spelling and grammer is horrific. But I'll look past that seeing as this is obviously a draft. I just want to give you some pointers while obvious should help.

Much of the story is dominated by dialogue. This isn't a problem. Hell, my stories are dominated by dialogue. But try to make it sound more natural. The things your characters say should be significantly more casual than what you write as a 3rd person observer. As a general rule, only write what regular people would say.

The sex. Decent. Not great but I've read worse. But my main problem is just how suddenly it happens. I know that plot isn't exactly a main focus on alot of stories but try to include a reason for it. Personally I think if you're going for plot, you need a long story so that it actually matters to the reader. If you're just going for sex, well then don't bother with exposition or else you're just making the reader wait through a whole bunch of crap that doesn't lead anywhere.

And my last bit of criticism that alot of people do which isn't neccessarily wrong but bugs me nonetheless. You're description of Laura. Try to fit it more naturally and more subtly into the story instead of just writing what she looks like in one paragraph.

Hope this has been helpful.

 

[ericahope]

And my last bit of criticism that alot of people do which isn't neccessarily wrong but bugs me nonetheless. You're description of Laura. Try to fit it more naturally and more subtly into the story instead of just writing what she looks like in one paragraph.

This bugs me too. It's like authors just call "Time Out" and start describing their characters and then go back to telling the story once the description is over. Authors might as well just put the characters' physical features in italics at the start of the story so that everyone knows what they look like if they're going to call a "time out".

Erica

 

[ericahope]

thanks for the feedback, I kinda thought i was out of my depth with this, now I know I am lol

Don't give up! My drafts weren't good at the start, and the final products aren't that great either and I still posted them!

Erica

 

[youngrabbit]

Thanks everyone, there are some real good points. I think I will have another go purely because it was fun to write