first draft of 1st ever story

[pandoravampire]

I came to lit 2 yrs ago, with the specific intention of writing a romantic/erotic story. Somehow, i seem to of gotten rather waylaid. But this is the first draft. I should love some feedback if any have the time.
And a big thankyou to all the writers here, its really not as easy as it looks is it! This is bdsm themed.

As she sat waiting for Him to arrive, she thought how lucky she was, that not only had she found someone who understood her needs, but could cater so well for them. Her body tingled in anticipation of what was to come.
They had arranged this meeting the week before, and she had been so patiently waiting, ignoring her bodies need for release, as she anticipated the evening over and over again. Yet she was not able to satisy herself, He had said she must wait from the Sunday, when he rang to arrange the finer details until He were there to take her on Wednesday.
She jumped as the door bell rang. Quickly, so as not to keep him waiting, she answered it. He came into her home, and bent to kiss her on her upturned mouth."Have you done all that i asked Little One?", she felt his hands gently stroking her buttocks through the fabric of her skirt. "Yes Sir" she breathed her reply, feeling embarassed at what he'd requested. 'ensure that you remove all your pubic hair, so that you are naked, and that i may look at what is mine'. She found her nakedness embarassing, and very exposed, she doubted she would ever get used to being naked there. But if this gave him pleasure, she knew that she would reap its rewards ten fold. Her aim was to please him, in anyway he chose, she was his.
He took her hand and led her to the bedroom. There, he sat in the chair beside the bed. "Come and stand here, where i can take a good look at you" he ordered. She brought his drink she'd poured to him, after handing this to him, she bent to kneel at his feet. "No, i did not say you should kneel, i wish to look at what is mine" then he lifted her skirt, underneath which she was completely naked, shaved and on display for Him. "you have done well, i am pleased Little One, now you may kneel". This was where she needed to be, it was in this position of serving him, she felt freer than ever before. He bent to her, taking her face in his hands as he kissed her softly on her forehead, before kissing her on her mouth. Warmth replaced her nervousness as her body responded to his kiss. He took a sip of his drink before explaining that she were to follow his instructions, that nothing that was about to happen, had not been discussed before, that she should trust him, that he would not hurt her, but if she wished to stop at any point, she only needed to use her safe word that they had agreed upon. "You understand Little One?" "yes Sir, i understand fully".
A thrill of excitement began climbing up her legs, settling where her shaven pussy was. She was aware of how aroused she had become whilst waiting for his arrival, now without the underwear, she could feel her wetness at the top of her thighs as she knelt before him. "remove you clothes, so that i can see all of you, i want to be able to see all of you, i want to be able to touch every inch of your body with nothing to get in the way of my enjoyment of you". She slowly removed her blouse, unbuttoning it and slipping it off herself to the floor, leaving her breasts naked for him to see, as underwear had been forbidden for this night. Allready erect, her nipples told of her arousal as she removed her skirt. She now stood before him, naked, not even pubic hair to hide herself with, and feeling very exposed as he looked at her from her feet, up her legs, to her pussy, up her stomach to her breasts and lastly to her face, where their eyes met and he smiled at her. She knelt at his feet, keeping his eye contact as she lowered herself into her position, between his feet. "may i Sir?" indicating that she would like to remove his clothes. "No you may not. You may not do anything unless i give my permission, take your hands off me until i say you can do so". "Now climb onto the bed and stay on your hands and knees facing the end of the bed".
She quickly got into position on the bed and waited for whatever came next, excitement building inside her with every second. He rose from the chair and removed a blindfold from his pocket and placed this over her eyes, gently stroking her face before stepping away. The sound of His voice came from behind her "Put your head down on the bed and raise your arse in the air, so that i can see what it is your offerring me". She put her forehead on the bed. Knowing that he stood behind and could see her fully from his chosen vantage point. "Now lean behind and spread yourself and show me all that you offer me". She pulled herself open for him, allowing him to see everything, slipping into her submission to him.
She felt his hands stroke her back, drawing a line from her neck to her cheeks. Dipping his fingers just inside the opening of her pussy, "i see you are eager little one" as she tried to encourage him futher inside by rocking slightly back onto his hands. "yes Sir, very Sir". He moved her hands back to the bed, and replaced them with his own, opening her folds, each touch sending shivers through her as her desire for him mounted. When he was satisfied that he could see everything, she heard him removing his clothing. Trying to follow his movements around the bedroom, feeling slightly hazy as she waited for His touch.
The sound of his hand slapping her buttock was quickly followed by her gasp, as the hot sting spread over her arse. The warmth spread to her pussy, as he slid his finger just inside, to moisten it before playing across her folds. A soft moan escaped her lips at the pleasure from his touch. Then another spank this time on the other buttock, made her yelp. She felt as if the room was slipping away, leaving her in some cocoon, where only He and she were, nothing else existed beyond this place he created for her in her submission to him. He stroked her buttocks spreading the warmth around them, before again spanking her. His touch alternating between the pain of his palm smacking each buttock, and His gentle caresses. His hand slipped between her legs, feeling her moisture now beginning to flow. "You like that dont you Slut?". "Yes Sir, i love being Your Slut".
She groaned as he slid his finger inside her desparate for him now, but knowing that she must wait. Keeping his finger inside her, he stroked her slowly accross her buttock, his lips following his hands. The sensations were building inside her, at his touch. "Please may i cum Sir", "No slut, you must wait, dont you dare cum until i say you can". Desperate to obey him, she tried and kept her orgasm at bay, but only just.
His hands dipped in and out of her pussy, spreading her juices up to her rosebud. Deliscious sensations spreading through her whole being, as blinded, she followed him through the dance. Willing to be led, willing to follow, willing to do anything that he asked of her - she was His slut, His whore, His little one.
Satisfied that she was aroused enough he took care to lubricate her arse, before sliding his other hand, back and forth across her bud, teasing her with each pass. "This is getting you really hot isnt it slut", his words sending deep echos of desire into her soul. As his other hand buried his finger inside her pussy, stroking her from the inside. Now, his finger slipped inside her button, so that both ends of her, had his fingers inside her. She felt as if she were being cradled by him, his fingers balancing her procariously on a edge. She rocked back against his hands, hungry for more. Still stroking his fingers inside her pussy, he lubed up a plug and replaced his fingers with this. Teasing the outside of her button, allowing her to open to him as her desire mounted. He slid the plug in a little futher, sending sensations around her body as it glided into her a little futher. Holding the plug half in, he continued to glide his fingers in and out of her wet pussy as she rocked against his hands. Then as he pushed in the plug a little futher, she felt the sensation of pain, as she stretched around the plug, the pain grew as he slid it home, with her bud closing around it as it glided in.
The pain caused by the plug eased, as his fingers inside her pussy, slid back and forth, playing across her erect clit. He removed his fingers and kissed her pussy. "You are very wet slut, do you like that plug?" "Yes Sir, i like the plug, and your fingers, and your kisses Sir, everything you do to me Sir".
"Tell me slut, what is it you want". "I want your cock Sir, i want it inside me". At that moment, every fibre of her being needed him inside of her, her legs shaking with her desire for him. Her desire shot through the roof, as she felt the bed tilt as he climbed up close behind her. She could feel his hard cock teasing at her pussy, pulling away when she tried to back onto it. "Fuck me Sir, please fuck me, I want to be your whore, i want you to use me like your whore". As her plea to Him left her mouth, so his cock slid inside her. The feeling of fullness from the plug in her arse and His magnificent cock in her pussy, sent the most erotic sensations surging through her body. "Who's pussy is this slut?" he demanded, "yours Sir" came her gasping response as he pulled back and slid his cock deep inside her, till his balls rested against her clit. Teetering on the edge of orgasm, again she heard His voice, "and who's arse is this whore?", "Yours Sir, only yours" she whimpered, as he fucked her from behind. "Come for me slut, i want to feel your cunt squeezing my cock!".
With his permission, her orgasm exploded around his cock, milking it as it convulsed around his hard cock. Her moans surrounding them both as she came from the pleasure He brought her, as he pushed his cock deep into her, to feel her as

Little one by Pandoravampire. bdsm
she contracted in orgasm around his cock.
As her orgasm subsided and her breathing steadied a little, he withdrew from her pussy, and stroking her pussy with her the head of his very erect cock, still knelt behind her, he untied the blindfold from her eyes.
"Look slut, look up, i want you to see your face, see how fucked you look". He was right, she did indeed look fucked, very fucked. Lust and desire for him written all over her face as she stared at their reflexion in the mirror at the end of the bed. "Now i want you to watch me fuck you, and dont look away, i want you to watch all that i can do to you, i want you to see just what a slut you are". "yes Sir", was all she could say, before his hand reached round to play with her clit, arousing her anew. She could see both of them in the mirror, he was bent over her, playing with her lips and her cunt. "See what im doing to you slut, do you see what a whore you are for me?" "yes, oh yes Sir" she replied, as her desire for him mounted as his fingers slid over her pussy, dipping inside to collect her juice that he then spread over her clit and lips. The feeling of pleasure as she watched her Sir, using her this way. She could see his face, lust written over it, as his hard cock bounced against her sex. He straightened up, and looking at her in the mirror, he began to slide the plug out of her arse. She groaned at the new sensation, pleasure coursing through her once again, for this man behind her. The plug slid free and he applied more lube to her opened whole. She watched his face in the mirror as he stared at her arse, open and waiting for his cock. Holding back no longer, her wait was over, as he slid his cock into the loosened opening of her arse. The feelings of pleasure as his cock replaced the plug were so intense, her second orgasm was racing toward her, as she watched transfixed, their image in the mirror as he fucked her arse. "who's arse is this im fucking slut?" he demanded looking straight into her eyes. "Yours Sir" she cried out, as holding her steady by her hips, he rammed into her from behind. "Please Sir, i have to cum" as her cunt contracted in her second orgasm, closing her arse around him. The pulsing of her sex, brought his orgasm as he plunged his cock to the balls inside her, hot spunk shooting deep inside her depths he came emptied his seed in her arse.
They both fell onto the bed, breathing hard, sweating from their efforts.
Here they lay, she within her Sir's arms, as he gently stroked her, His whore, His slut, His little one.

So feedback?

 

[mr happy]

Oh Baby, I loved it, very very good for your first effort.

The mirror part was fantastic, could just imagine your reflection, watching yourself getting fucked, such a sexy thought.

There must be a second chapter to this tale

 

[CharleyH]

As she sat waiting for Him to arrive, she thought how lucky she was, that not only had she found someone who understood her needs, but could cater so well for them. Her body tingled in anticipation of what was to come.

First thing: show, don't tell. With a little work, this first paragraph could go from ok, to exciting. To me - its not good enough to sit waiting for him to arrive. I want to know how she is doing it. Example: She twisted a long strand of hair between her fingers, sat on the sofa crossing and uncrossing her legs trying to hold the excitement she felt, the pain of her pulsing clit for him - for his arrival.

Or some such thing in your words. How someone moves or gestures is much more effective in getting across feeling and motivation. In this respect, and just because I am trying to help, I suggest reading any kind of actors movement book. It will just enhance your writing, which is not bad for a first try. I suggest this because it seems to be the most noticeable drawback at this point in your writing.

Also a note about dialogue. Take an hour or two and sit in a cafe' and listen to the people around you. Most conversation is spoken in contractions. I can't . . . as opposed to I cannot. Your dialogue seems a bit stayed at times because its too proper. Example:

"Have you done all that i asked Little One?", she felt his hands

This gives me an impression first of an incest scene, and if thats where you want to go - cool. I am trying to offer comment as I am reading, so bare with me because I will have to leave soon. In reality, I just can't see any dominant personality saying this kind of a line, but then, I have a tendency to write with a realistic tone for the most part.

When posting a story on a thread, it would be to your benefit to put a space between paragraphs. I think more people will read. When one first views a mass of words, they tend to get scared off.

OK - LOL - gotta go, but will revisit tomorrow. As a reminder to myself, I left off on "Yes sir."

 

[pandoravampire]

Mr Happy,
hello darling. long time no hear! will mail you later.

CharlieH - thankyou, this is the sort of feedback i need. Particularly about description of actions. I see your point entirely.

I think the dialogue is formal. Deliberately so, this is interaction between Dom/sub, it is a formal relationship where both parties are consenting to be in such roles. But yes, i can see how it may seem odd.
It would be interesting to hear the view of a bdsm'r on this take?

thankyou both for taking the time to read this.

 

[mr happy]

No , Thank you

I enjoyed reading your wicked thoughts

A Lot

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It was a good first story, but you really need help with your paragraphing.

I'm sure you kow the rule: new subject, new paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. I would add: when in doubt, start a new paragraph. The more paragraphs it has, the easier it is to read.

Charley's right. Double space between your paras too. These big, monolithic blocks of text are hard to read and scare people off.

And please, for the sake of your readers, drop the I/i You/you BDSM stuff. That's okay for personal communications, but it's really annoying in a story.

--dr.M.

 

[CharleyH]

My credetials range, but don't assume anything about me. I personally, don't speak demand or reward that way Each to their own as they say. I will refrain on formal dialogue . . . if I can?

Onwards:

"Yes Sir" she breathed her reply, feeling embarassed at what he'd requested. 'ensure that you remove all your pubic hair, so that you are naked, and that i may look at what is mine'.

OK - I can't refrain - lol. I do understand what you are trying to do. It's not the formality that is shivering through me, I think it's the way in which it is being said. It's just not a 'normal' way to talk, and this is where I have the problem. First things first: he is asking her or has asked her to shave I assume, and yet there is no context. As far as I know she is sitting in a chair and not a bathroom. In this case, you will have to say a bit more. I would also make it a demand, showing his control over her. By asking a question, he can ensure his dominance and her obedience to his will. Examples:

"Have you removed all your pubic hair like I asked? Will I find my pussy naked, bare?"

The use of my will depend on the amount of control his character has.

Anyhow, a question puts her character in a position of having to answer. I really, really have difficulty with the rest of the sentance. I would say, and just as pure example because it would be my choice to make a character doubt themselves, and perhaps worry a bit as a suspense technique:

"Did you shave?"
"Yes, Sir."
"So I will not find even one pubic hair hiding my pussy?" he circled, his eyes cast down, his hand grazing her shoulder.

Or some such thing. I am, like I said, just thinking aloud. It has been my experience that D/s is as much about the way a person moves within a room, reacts toward an individual as it is in their voice, in their choice of words. But, I won't get into a huge discourse on this . . . perhaps for a thread discussion. I promise, no more about dialogue - lol

She found her nakedness embarassing, and very exposed, she doubted she would ever get used to being naked there. But if this gave him pleasure, she knew that she would reap its rewards ten fold. Her aim was to please him, in anyway he chose, she was his.

First of all, I thought she was clothed, so you will have to say that she sat nude earlier than you have. If she is clothed in the beginning, then you will have to remove her clothes, whether by her own volition, or by his demand. As a writer, you are in control of your narrative. I find phrases such as 'she found' to be indecisive on the part of a writer. She either was or was not embarrassed. Example: She felt embarrassed - exposed. She doubted that she could ever get used to being naked there. ('There' is also a problem. You need to say more explicitly where 'there' is - is it naked before him, or naked in the centre of the room?)

Dr. M points out formatting of paragraphs. I will do a thorough edit of the next one for you, as best I can:

He took her hand and led her to the bedroom. There, he sat in the chair beside the bed. "Come and stand here, where i can take a good look at you" he ordered. She brought his drink she'd poured to him, after handing this to him, she bent to kneel at his feet. "No, i did not say you should kneel, i wish to look at what is mine" then he lifted her skirt, underneath which she was completely naked, shaved and on display for Him. "you have done well, i am pleased Little One, now you may kneel". This was where she needed to be, it was in this position of serving him, she felt freer than ever before. He bent to her, taking her face in his hands as he kissed her softly on her forehead, before kissing her on her mouth. Warmth replaced her nervousness as her body responded to his kiss. He took a sip of his drink before explaining that she were to follow his instructions, that nothing that was about to happen, had not been discussed before, that she should trust him, that he would not hurt her, but if she wished to stop at any point, she only needed to use her safe word that they had agreed upon. "You understand Little One?" "yes Sir, i understand fully".

He took her hand and led her to the bedroom.

"Come and stand here, where i can take a good look at you," he sat in the chair beside the bed.

She carried his drink to him, and then knelt at his feet.

"No. I did not say you should kneel. I wish (I'd use want) to look(see is more active-assetrive) at what is mine," he lifted her skirt, and stared at her naked pussy - shaved and on display for Him. (him is not capitalized, unless you wish to make it so for emphasis, in which case, do not capitalize little one.)

"You have done well. I am pleased little one, now you may kneel." (note that in quotes the punctuation is always IN the quotation marks, and never outside)

This was where she needed to be. It was in this position of serving him that she felt freer than ever before.

(as far as I know, he is in a chair like you stated earlier therefore he stood )
He stood and took her face in his hands, and then bent, kissing her softly on her forehead, before kissing (too many kissings in one sentance - I suggest before his lips touched her mouth) her on her mouth.

Responding instantly to his kiss, her nervousness was replaced by warmth.

He straigtened and reached for his drink, taking a sip.

"You are to follow my instructions. Nothing that is about to happen has not been discussed," he explained, adding that she should trust him.

"I will not hurt you, but if you wish to stop at any point, you need only use the safe word that we agreed upon. You understand, little one?"

"Yes, Sir. I understand fully. "

End of Segment

Ah, sex. My favourite part: Sex, no matter what should be sensual in my opinion. You will find your own voice and style, but I suggest, when thinking directly about sex scenes think of five things: sight, smell, sound, touch, taste. These will, at the very least, guide you.

She slowly removed her blouse, (her fingers trembling, hands steady - what does she feel and P.S. I thought she was naked???) unbuttoning it and slipping it off herself (her shoulders) to the floor. Her breasts (full, small?) immediately exposed for him. He had forbidden her wearing underwear.

You say: She pulled herself open for him, allowing him to see everything, slipping into her submission to him.

By this time in the story, it should already be apparant that she is submissive. There is no need to say it again. What I would want is for you to show me how submissive she is. Think about every action you, yourself would make in playing out this scene. Would fingers tremble? Thighs? Would she do it with trepidation? What are her hands/fingers doing - touching? We already know he is watching her every move, you say it to a point of redundancy, when you could be giving a complete vision of her actually performing for him. Also, because she is submitting, be careful of phrases like : Allowing him. He is in fact, allowing her to perform in D/s.

The sound of his hand slapping her buttock was quickly followed by her gasp, as the hot sting spread over her arse.

He slapped her buttock. She gasped from the hot sting of his hand against her arse.

His hands dipped in and out of her pussy, spreading her juices up to her rosebud. I have a personal aversion to cliche' and rosebud is one of them. Others may disagree but a clit is a clit until my tongue is on it, then it may feel like a rosebud, or perhaps something else.

I hope some of this helps. The thing I find about bdsm writing, particularly newbie writing, is that they are all similar. This is meant as no offence. I have edited a few of these stories, and I just personally prefer something more. What I mean is narratively. Nevertheless, I think you make a good effort, and as you develop your style/art, you will get there, I'm certain. Some of the phrases you spin together are quite wonderful. Polishing your writing and editing will be important.

Since Dr. M has posted, I would suggest you read some of his work (BDSM Categoary). He has an incredible vivid style, in my opinion. You could learn much.

Good luck.

 

[CharleyH]

Re: Re: first draft of 1st ever story

double post

 

[pandoravampire]

CharlieH and DrM,
thankyou, i have found the feedback extreemly useful.
CharlieH, you in particular have put in a lot of effort in your reply. I shall rework this story with the suggestions.
I can see your points entirely, and your right.
regards