First date -- who pays?

[NoJo]

I found myself, not for the first time, in a minority of one when it came to a question of dating etiquette:

A thirty-year old singer, a colleague of mine, has been out of circulation for a few years; but he's met a woman and they're going on a dinner date, his first date for a long time. She's a restaurant manager. She agreed to the dinner date, but insisted that she choose the place, being the professional when it comes to eating out.

Now, the guy asked a bunch of us whether he should pay for the meal. I was the odd one out in my opinion.

Maybe it's because I was a good fifteen years older than the other people around, and have done most of my dating in the feminist '70's when it was considered patronizing to pay for women on dates (y'know, the "money-for-sex" thing), that I was alone in thinking that they should split the bill. All the others (both male/female) emphatically disagreed, telling the guy that he should definitely pay, even if she chose an expensive place).

When I got home, I asked my (late '40s model) wife the same question, even she agreed with everyone else, which is a bit worrying, becuase I remember on my first date with her, she'd bought two tickets for a show, and I paid her for my ticket. Which I think is a good way to start a relationship.

 

[cloudy]

IMO, whoever does the asking, does the paying. That makes it VERY simple.

 

[Guest]

It was always the guy who paid when I dated, but I never asked a guy on a date either.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

I don't see what the big deal of everyone paying thier own way on the first date would possibly be. Whoever asks gets tricky when the dates become more routine. Often, no one really does the asking by that stage.

It's a bit more tricky when you consider that he is being told he's obligated to pay when she's choosing the restaurant. There's a significant different between prices at the finer places. People like me (poor people) can't really go into those situations blind.

Just my viewpoint.

Q_C

 

[sincerely_helene]

This won't make me sound very good, but if the guy doesn't pay or at least offer to pay I often will not see him again. It puts me in the mindset that he is a cheapskate.

On the other hand, if it is someone I felt I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship developing, I would insist upon paying for my own way to avoid any chance of expectations regarding sex or a second date. I don't like to mislead, and I also have the tendancy to feel like I "owe" the person something in return.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

First, second, n-th date, it's always been Dutch for me, unless we're serious enough to be living in joint economy, so to speak. Each person pays for himself or herself. It's the norm.

But then again, I recently found out that people on other cities call this Porto-style. So, what do I know.

 

[lil_elvis]

If he pays, he'd better get laid.

But seriously, this sounds like a situation where they should split the bill. He might have asked her out, but if she's picking the restaurant, it already sounds like compormise is in the air.

 

[Guest]

I found myself, not for the first time, in a minority of one when it came to a question of dating etiquette:

A thirty-year old singer, a colleague of mine, has been out of circulation for a few years; but he's met a woman and they're going on a dinner date, his first date for a long time. She's a restaurant manager. She agreed to the dinner date, but insisted that she choose the place, being the professional when it comes to eating out.

Now, the guy asked a bunch of us whether he should pay for the meal. I was the odd one out in my opinion.

Maybe it's because I was a good fifteen years older than the other people around, and have done most of my dating in the feminist '70's when it was considered patronizing to pay for women on dates (y'know, the "money-for-sex" thing), that I was alone in thinking that they should split the bill. All the others (both male/female) emphatically disagreed, telling the guy that he should definitely pay, even if she chose an expensive place).

When I got home, I asked my (late '40s model) wife the same question, even she agreed with everyone else, which is a bit worrying, becuase I remember on my first date with her, she'd bought two tickets for a show, and I paid her for my ticket. Which I think is a good way to start a relationship.

Interesting.

This doesn't truly fit any of the established protocol, does it?

I have to respect the woman because in her business she must be well aware of quality restaurants so she doesn't wish to lower her standards for dinner.

Usually, whoever asks the person out should plan on paying.

That being said, I have a feeling she will offer to split the bill since she chose the place.

Let us know what happens? I'm curious.

 

[TheEarl]

The conversation should go thus.

GUY: I've got it.
GIRL: It's alright, we should split it.
GUY: S'alright, I've got.

If the GIRL protests once more, then the GUY agrees to split the bill. Otherwise, the GUY pays.


If the girl fails to make the first offer to split, then she looks selfish. If the guy fails to ignore this first demurral and offer again, then he's ungentlemanly. She only genuinely wants to split the bill if she insists a second time, by which point you've proven your generosity.

It's an unspoken truth.

The Earl

 

[elsol]

Dinner.
He asked... he pays.
She asked... he reaches for it but doesn't make a big deal if she insists on paying for it.

Lunch (as a first date).
Split it. (Someone wasn't sure it was even worth dinner, keep everything neutral).

Breakfast
Don't even THINK about it, bucko! Get your ass out of bed before she wakes up, and have her favorite juice, morning pastry, and flowers ready.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[NoJo]

This won't make me sound very good, but if the guy doesn't pay or at least offer to pay I often will not see him again. It puts me in the mindset that he is a cheapskate.

On the other hand, if it is someone I felt I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship developing, I would insist upon paying for my own way to avoid any chance of expectations regarding sex or a second date. I don't like to mislead, and I also have the tendancy to feel like I "owe" the person something in return.

The "cheapskate" answer is what my wife gave. Basically the first impression would be one of meanness. Also, the hint of insolvency can be a bit of a turn off.

That's why, Helene, when we go out on our first date, I insist on paying. (And I also get to choose the Macdon- the restaurant too).

 

[mack_the_knife]

Simple

Whoever asked the other out pays.

 

[sincerely_helene]

The "cheapskate" answer is what my wife gave. Basically the first impression would be one of meanness. Also, the hint of insolvency can be a bit of a turn off.

That's why, Helene, when we go out on our first date, I insist on paying. (And I also get to choose the Macdon- the restaurant too).

'Mac Don' better be the name of an expensive chinese restaurant, Mister!

PS. I totally agree with the Earl.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

The conversation should go thus.

GUY: I've got it.
GIRL: It's alright, we should split it.
GUY: S'alright, I've got.

If the GIRL protests once more, then the GUY agrees to split the bill. Otherwise, the GUY pays.


If the girl fails to make the first offer to split, then she looks selfish. If the guy fails to ignore this first demurral and offer again, then he's ungentlemanly. She only genuinely wants to split the bill if she insists a second time, by which point you've proven your generosity.

It's an unspoken truth.

The Earl

Unspoken truth, mindgame... Are those words that interchangeable?

Q_C

 

[elsol]

Unspoken truth, mindgame... Are those words that interchangeable?

Q_C

No... mindgame.

Is her asking AGAIN... to see if you will insist.

Sincerely,
elSol

 

[NoJo]

Dinner.
He asked... he pays.
She asked... he reaches for it but doesn't make a big deal if she insists on paying for it.

Lunch (as a first date).
Split it. (Someone wasn't sure it was even worth dinner, keep everything neutral).

Sincerely,
ElSol

I agree with this, (now I've had some time to think it over). In fact a dinner date is a little heavy for a first date. I would have gone for something a little less intense, like a dark alley or bus-shelter.

 

[elsol]

I agree with this, (now I've had some time to think it over). In fact a dinner date is a little heavy for a first date. I would have gone for something a little less intense, like a dark alley or bus-shelter.

Nod.

I prefer lunch for a 'first date'... though by the time I've had a first date with any women we'd alreday fucked so it wasn't an issue.

I'd already gotten PAID... so to speak.

People really go on 'first dates' after high school? How incredibly awkward!


Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[NoJo]

The conversation should go thus.

GUY: I've got it.
GIRL: It's alright, we should split it.
GUY: S'alright, I've got.

If the GIRL protests once more, then the GUY agrees to split the bill. Otherwise, the GUY pays.


If the girl fails to make the first offer to split, then she looks selfish. If the guy fails to ignore this first demurral and offer again, then he's ungentlemanly. She only genuinely wants to split the bill if she insists a second time, by which point you've proven your generosity.

It's an unspoken truth.

The Earl

Boy, I'm glad I'm not human. There's so much crap to memorise.

 

[yui]

Guy pays on the first date. I'll offer to pay half, but if he accepts, I'm going to be watching him closely for other signs of skinflint-ness.

And I'm not giving him gas/petrol money either.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Boy, I'm glad I'm not human. There's so much crap to memorise.

It's quite simple, really. Just hand her your wallet at the beggining of the night and let her make the choice.

Or, scoot off to the bathroom when you know the bill is on its way and see what happens.

 

[tolyk]

Joe, I agree with you. First dates should be split.

However ,any time I've taken a woman out, I've ended up paying for the entire thing, because they've never offered, and I'm not the kind of guy to ask.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

This is all moot, really. She'll either pick a nice but affordable restaurant, or she'll insist in splitting it.

If she picks an expensive restaurant and doesn't try to split the bill, he's probably barking up the wrong tree anyway.

 

[NoJo]

Actually, in the conversation, the guy ended up saying, "If I end up paying, I better get a fuck out of it the same night, just in case the relationship doesn't work out".

 

[elsol]

I'd feel uncomfortable with her paying any part of it.

Now, I HAVE to call her. *shiver*

Sincerely,
ElSol

ps. I'm just having fun here... let it go.

 

[yui]

This is all moot, really.

Well, yeah, but then so are most things, eh?