First Date Intimacy

[Guest]

To protect the innocent, namely me I'm not logging in under my s/n so I can crawl away in shame if need be.

Has anybody else ever gotten intimate with someone on a first date? We've been talking on the phone and this was our first opportunity to get together in person. I'm having a little morning after guilt. I'm way over the age of consent but I have it stuck in my head that "good" girls don't do stuff like this. What happens if he doesn't want to go out again? I have NEVER done anything like this before. (before anyone asks, we did talk about std's and we had both been tested in the recent past)

Help!

 

[stargazer76]

Relax.

You're both over the age of consent. You talked about STD's. It's okay to be impulsive. If he never calls, figure out how YOU really feel about the experience, not what societal expectations tell you to feel. And go from there. We've all got stuff in our sexual history. It's okay. You're human. I almost slept with the man I ended up marrying 3 days after I met him. I didn't end up doing it, but I wouldn't have regretted it if I had.

(BTW, was it any good?)

 

[LittleRedDevil]

You and he are both consenting adults with an attraction for each other. You didn't do anything wrong. You have every right to have a mutally pleasing experiance with someone. Isn't it nice being an adult.

Don't feel guilty for what happened. At least you had a date first. If you want that story, just email me and I'll make you feel better.

If it was a one night thing, take it at face value. Don't feel ashamed of it. people do things all the time.

Besides, sometimes good girls need to be bad.

 

[Pokerman]

Well, 'unsure' i've done it a few times. Once, was a one night stand, (which was detailed in my story "After the Concert") once was someone i met on vacation....and once was with the woman i eventually married.

Did I feel guilty? No (though in the last two experiences I know the women did). The one on vacation was in a relationship (not that it stopped her) and the woman I eventually married told me she regretted doing it on the first date too. It's probably the way we're raised.

Sex on the first date doesn't make you a bad person. Waiting six months doesn't make you a good person. You say you're both way over the age of consent. And it sounds like everything was consentual. So two legal adults, had consentual physical activity. Nothing to be guilty about. Just relax, and if the opportunity arises again (pardon the pun), have fun!

 

[Cirrus]

If you think it was more than a fling, call him. This is the year 2001, you know, damn all convention. The woman can call the man. Keep the conversation light, but ask him how he feels about it. Then go from there. If it isn't going to work out between you two for another date, then decide if you think it was a mistake or not. If you feel it was, chalk it up to experience and don't do it again.

I, too, could make you feel better...most of the guys I've been with I haven't even been in a relationship with. More like "friends with benefits". The thing is, both of us were comfortable with that, which is why you need to talk it over with him. He might feel like you do, or he might be fine with it.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Unsure

Have you talked to him honestly about how you feel? Sometimes people will surprise you.

 

[Guest]

It was good, when I finally relaxed I enjoyed the experience. I've already talked with him this morning and I think he was more worried about me. I of course am reading into every word that comes out of his mouth and I need to just chill out a little.

How do you get over the "good girls don't" mentality? I've denied myself sexual experiences because I was/am afraid that I'm going to burn in hell.

 

[Ambrosious]

Then this one time, at band camp...

 

[stargazer76]

It was good, when I finally relaxed I enjoyed the experience. I've already talked with him this morning and I think he was more worried about me. I of course am reading into every word that comes out of his mouth and I need to just chill out a little.

How do you get over the "good girls don't" mentality? I've denied myself sexual experiences because I was/am afraid that I'm going to burn in hell.

Burn in hell? Join the rest of us. You just need to know who you are and what you want and what you're comfortable with. I don't know that you ever completely get over that mentality, if that's what you're brought up with, but if you are secure in what you believe in, why do you need to justify that to anyone? You don't need approval from anyone else.

 

[Renegade]

Then this one time, at band camp...

You have a pussy?

 

[sexy-girl]

dont worry about burning in hell stuff thats what priests use to tell people because priests are upset about not being able to have sex ... oops maybe a poor taste joke sorry if offended people


my point is though god i think is happy when people are happy if you hit it off so well with this guy that you were intimate straight away dont worry ... its not like you would of done that sort of thing with any guy ... its just because you two hit it off so well on the first date


i got intimate with my gf as soon as she declared how she felt about me and that she was gay ... that doesnt make me easy though or anything

 

[TN_Vixen]

Unsure

your "good girls don't" mentality is there because it was the way you were brought up. Changing that mentality is very difficult. Recognizing that you have a hard time with early intimacy in a relationship should be a sign to you that maybe waiting a while is better for you. Just because you are an adult and STD free doesn't mean that having sex with another adult who is STD free at anytime is great. It just means you CAN do it.

File this feeling and memory at a easily retrievable place and don't repeat behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Guest]

Re: Unsure

[QUOTEJust because you are an adult and STD free doesn't mean that having sex with another adult who is STD free at anytime is great. It just means you CAN do it.
[/QUOTE]


I only mentioned that because I didn't want it to seem as though I picked some guy up in a bar and I didn't know anything about him. I've heard every bad thing that can happen with sex from my g/f's and literally had the "fear of God" instilled in me. I would have been scared even if I had known him for six months, a year, or more. At what point do you just try and stop being afraid?

 

[TN_Vixen]

Unsure

unfortunately when you stop being afraid, you could die.

The only time you can stop being afraid is when you are married - and even then you can't control your partner and whether or not he chooses to wear a condom if he cheats on you.

I wish I had more encouraging words, but I can tell you that you have wonderful friends.

 

[stargazer76]

Yeah, what TN said....

...with just my 2 cents to add: don't let your fear cripple you. Use it to your advantage, to protect yourself from taking stupid or unnecessary risks, but don't allow it to control you or prevent you from living your life like a normal, healthy human being.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Re: Unsure

I only mentioned that because I didn't want it to seem as though I picked some guy up in a bar and I didn't know anything about him.

I don't think you've got anything to feel guilty about in this case.

You didn't really have sex on the "first date," you just had sex the first time you met in person.

You obviously felt close enough to this person to talk about STDs and other intimate things on the phone, and that pretty much handles the purpose of the "no kissing on the first date" rule.

Breaking the puritanical conditioning that most of us received as kids is difficult. Think about your situation as if you were a friend who made the same choice -- what advice would you give your friend?

 

[Guest]

I completely understand what your saying and is the biggest reason why I haven't allowed myself to even make out with a man because I didn't want things to go to far. As I get older it's becoming increasingly difficult to find men who haven't had any sexual history at all. Ok, I don't know any in my current age group (30-40). We had the talk about STD's, a rather lengthy one at that, what more can you do? Use condoms of course but remain abstinent for life because I'm single? I'm not sure I'd even be comfortable in a marriage situation after seeing how many people cheat on their spouses. I could even have gone out with this person for months and they could be cheating on the side, how would I know, I can't be with someone 24/7?

 

[Guest]

More opinions please

Your feedback is helpful.

 

[livin_simple]

Well Unsure, I'll throw in my two-cents.

I sounds like your real issue isn't the 'first date' thing but somehow the fear of being hurt or being able to trust a partner in the future. Is this off base??

You will find there are more people of the fidelity mindset on this board than at first appears. Just like in the newspapers where a lot of noise is made when something bad happens and nothing is ever said about the good stuff, lots of noise is being made in our society about fooling around and lack of faithfulness in a relationship. But the reality is there are a lot of people who are living in faithfulness to their partner.

I believe you've absolutely gotta trust your partner in a committed relationship. If that trust isn't there, you're not with the right person. It does hurt - really, really deep if that person does betray that trust. Being willing to take the risk to be hurt is the hardest part. There are men out there who WILL tell the truth and who WON'T fool around.

I like the discussion of this topic Tom Hanks had in one of his more recent movies (geez, can't remember the title). His response when asked what he would do if his spouse admitted to a one-night fling was that he would take them the top of a romantic tall spot such as a mountain or a building and he'd then THROW THEM OFF.

May be completely off target, but like I said, my two-cents worth.

 

[Guest]

I sounds like your real issue isn't the 'first date' thing but somehow the fear of being hurt or being able to trust a partner in the future. Is this off base??

Your probably right. I've heard and seen so much that it scares me and I don't know who to trust. I think a little healthy fear is ok, it keeps us from doing dumb things. Mine has kept me from experiencing intimacy with anyone. I believe all those statistics that I see and I want to be careful with the body I've been given and I feel that I have been.

After thinking most of the day on this, I've come to the conclusion that I asked the right questions, I found the answers acceptable and I went for it. I think that's ok. Thank you for your input.