First Bi Story (1st, period, actually)

holeinthevoid

Virgin
Joined
Oct 28, 2005
Posts
12
OK...absolutely terrified here--someone already promised to "rip it apart"--but here goes...

I wound out the last few blocks of my bike ride to make up for being late to my appointment. As a martial arts teacher making better than $20 an hour for private lessons I felt obligated to be on time for each engagement. Rolling up the driveway I hopped off the bike, set it on its stand under the carport and walked around to the front door all the while vainly congratulating myself that despite the extra effort and the sunny day I hadn’t been sweating like a pig. I was just about to knock when I heard heated voices from inside the house.

“Would you just fucking go already? He’s going to be here any moment!”

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

“Just get out.”

The door open and a “pretty-boy” all blonde and fresh-faced walked out with a wad of clothes in his arms.

“Get over yourself already,” the pretty boy admonished.

Inside stood my student; the frustration in his face bleeding away to reveal mortified horror as he realized I was standing right there.

“Sifu,” he said practically choking on the word.

“Jason,” I replied. “How’s it going?”

“Jason has issues with who he is,” answered pretty-boy.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Jason yelled.

Pretty boy let out an indignant huff and walked away. I stepped inside and closed the door.

“I’m sorry, Sifu,” Jason tried to explain. “He’s just an annoying little shit.”

“Let’s just cut to the chase,” I said pulling rank. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“I’m not gay!”

“I don’t care if you’re gay. You’re treating him like shit.”

Jason looked genuinely startled.

“No, he’s not my boyfriend. I’ve been going through a dry spell after my girlfriend left and he’s an easy piece of ass. I had a friend in college we used to fool around so I got used to being with a guy during dry spells.”

“Still,” I reprimanded. “You shouldn’t be so hard on him.”

“I was afraid you’d drop me as a student.”

”You must have a pretty low opinion of me.”

Suddenly he was mortified again.

“No, no, no. Not at all; I didn’t—“

I raised a hand to quiet him. Rank has its privileges. The fact of the matter was I had always had fantasies of my own although I never acted on them; so I certainly wasn’t going to judge him for such things. Jason was certainly the type I had fantasized about: young, lean, muscular like me. He had a swimmer’s body, tanned and smooth. Truth be told, my curiosity was piqued by the whole spectacle but he was a student and I was a teacher. One must maintain his professionalism after all.

We walked to his backyard where we always conducted our lessons together. We went through the routine: stretching, calisthenics, the basics, the forms, blah, blah, blah.

I had a lesson plan all set for the day but I kept finding myself distracted by thoughts by the revelation of the day and how for the first time Jason looked, not like a student, but damn fine. I’d shake the idea out of my head; he was a student after all, but I couldn’t focus on what I had planned.

So we sparred. No striking, just grappling techniques and joint locks. I partly wanted to show him I trusted him with close contact and I partly just wanted close contact. Two men, great shape, in their shorts (both form fitting) working out in the sun. No man-on-man overtones there, right?

So, I let him work through a series of techniques making the obligatory efforts to confound him all the while wondering what he was thinking about me. As he’d finally close in on a lock I’d slip out and reverse it on him to correct his form and maintain the pecking order.

I guess a man can only be thrown to the ground or have his arm wrenched up behind his neck so many times before frustration sets in. In a flash, while I was distracted, Jason suddenly grabbed me and hoisted me over his shoulder down onto my shoulders. The pain was sharp and immediate. I didn’t move. Realizing just as quickly he had hurt me Jason leapt up.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

“My fault,” I heaved. “Wasn’t…paying…attention.”

“Are you OK?”

“I’ll be fine. I just have a crick in my back.” I was finally regaining my breath.

“Can I help?”

“Yes,” I said between breaths. “Massage my back with your knuckles like I showed you a while ago.”

Jason straddled me and felt for my spine then placed his fists on either side of my spine. He rolled his knuckles back and forth as he had been taught. It took a couple of minutes but as the massage took hold my muscles loosened the CRACK! Everything popped back into place. It was such a relief it seemed as if my eyes were able to uncross themselves. With the pain gone there was nothing left but endorphins so the ubiquitous “athlete’s high” set in. I moaned deeply as he continued to press against me. Then I felt him.

As he massaged I felt him lower himself onto my buttocks and press his groin against my ass cheeks. My dopey eyes pooped open and he just as quickly lifted himself up slightly, a few inches, to a “respectable” distance. What happened next surprised me as much as it surprised him: I lifted my ass up back to touching his groin. He stopped rubbing my back for just a moment, not sure of my intent, but with my ass parked against his crotch for a few seconds more the message was unmistakable. He lowered himself and I did as well until we were naturally resting on the ground again.

Now as he ran his hands up and down my back he would gently grind himself against my ass cheeks and I would moan for him as he did so. I felt his member swell with each stroke. My mind blazed with a thousand thoughts of being a teacher, being a friend and just being really horny.

“Sifu,” he started.

I spun over with him still straddling me. He looked nervous. I was too, but I hide well.

“Rich.”

“Rich, I’m…if you…I…” He fumbled for words.

Out of the bottom of my eye I could see how aroused he was through his shorts. I placed a hand on his leg.

“We don’t…”

My hand slowly went up his thigh and rubbed him through his shorts making him gasp with equal measures of surprise and delight.

“Are you?” he asked. I chuckled as I wondered if he would ever again be able to finish a sentence.

I smiled. “I don’t know. I never tried.”

I continued working him through his shorts and he resumed his slow grind, this time leaning forward so we could press ourselves against each other.

Even though the backyard was walled off I suggested we go inside, both for privacy and to commit myself to the afternoon.

Once inside he stood before me and to reassure him I once again felt him though his shorts and he responded by pulling me closer to him, caressing my ass. Soon our hands were running up and down each others’ bodies. I loved the feel of his muscles. He leaned forward and kissed me and though I had always thought I would back away from that of all things, I didn’t. Our tongues played and flickered for the longest while. As tightly as we were pressed Jason slid a hand between and worked feverishly stroking me through my shorts. I would break our kiss to gasp and moan. Then he stepped back and placed his hand on my chest, pressing me back onto the bed.

As I lay back he descended down my stomach, kissing and licking as he went while my cock never once lacked attention from his hands. As his face reached my groin he deftly slid me out of my shorts. As his hand came back up he cupped my balls as his tongue traced the length of my shaft.

I moaned out loud.

His hand went from my balls to holding my cock—which by this time was already about to burst—and he began jerking me ever so slightly. The tip of his finger caught the bead of pre-cum that came out the top and he used its slickness to aid his jerking. Again, all I could do was moan and widen my legs.

As good as I was feeling I all but died when he finally plunged me into his mouth. The warmth. The wetness. He sucked. He ran his tongue along my shaft and swirled it around the head of my cock as his hand worked from my shaft to my balls and back again. As bad as I wanted to cum in his mouth then and there I wanted something else even more.

I sat up and lifted his face. He seemed puzzled, but I kissed him again, tasting myself on his tongue. I pulled him into the bed with me.

As soon as he settled I instantly started caressing him again. This time I let a finger slip into his shorts. The head of his cock was slick with pre-cum and I massaged it across the tip of his cock making him moan in turn before pulling my hand out to taste him.

I returned my hand this time fully inside his shorts, taking him fully in my palm. I started jerking him off. He moaned some more, spread his legs and started rubbing the back of my neck.

A minute later we shucked him out of his shorts and I was enjoying the hardness of his cock in my hand. I wasn’t sure if I could do it but I was determined to seize this moment. I leaned down an ran my tongue across his cock.

When I reached the top I traced circles around his head, flickered and kissed it. A few more traces along his shaft and it was wet enough for me to jerk him easily. Then, as he had shown me mere minutes before, I plunged him into my mouth. His cock was soft and hard, salty and sweet. I would take him as deep into my mouth as I could then retreat, licking and sucking with all my might. I figured I must be doing something right because a couple of times he became so excited he all but gagged me by shoving himself deeper into my mouth as spasms washed over him.

At last he could take it no more and he rolled over and grabbed my again, practically stuffing me back into his mouth. We both continued sucking and licking for something between eternity and not-long-enough. I wanted to cum so bad, but I wanted him first; afraid I’d lose my resolve once my passion was spent. I paused for just a moment to beg him to cum.

Again, rank has its privileges because as I begged him his body tightened. I caught the first burst across the cheek, but by the second spurt his was back in my mouth and the warm fluid spilled back across my tongue and down my throat and I scrubbed my tongue across the underside of his cock.

He cried out so loudly he couldn’t hold me in his mouth although his hand was working my saliva lubed cock harder than ever. His orgasm continued for quite some time but as soon as he could regain even a modicum of his composure I felt my balls in his hot mouth. Then I felt his tongue trace up between my ass cheeks before it returned to my cock.

Now it was my turn to cum and I was in his face as far as he and we could both press. Just as I was about to release he slipped a finger inside my asshole and that was all it took. I sprayed as deep and hard into his mouth as I could. He held my entire length in his mouth as I pumped and gushed; one hand massaging my tightened scrotum as the other worked a pair of fingertips into my asshole.

Eventually we were spent; even exhausted. We lie together in a twisted heap and, as men often do after a good fuck…

…we fell asleep.

I awoke before Jason and I looked at his still naked body beside me; then I thought, Oh, what the hell.

I got up on all fours and leaned over him. As he was still sleeping I bent down and ran my tongue along his cock. Needless to say he woke up immediately…both of him.

He sat up as I stroked him and licked him up one side and down the other. This time I was being sloppy leaving extra saliva all over his cock, making it glistening and slick. We couldn’t have been asleep too long because he still had some cum left in his shaft. Good, that would help.

He leaned forward to take me back into his hand, but I gently pushed him back while shaking my head with a mischievous grin. As he settled back and smiled I swung a leg over him so that I was seated across him. Then I positioned his cock, now running with my saliva, at my asshole.

I eased down and felt his head press against my asshole. His cock flexed with anticipation and it sent a pulse through my body. This is what I wanted.

I eased back again. He was so patient yet wanting me so badly. I felt the tip of him press in. I eased back again, slipped a little further inside. Gently rocking, I soon felt his width filling my asshole. Moments later his entire head slid inside and we both gasped.

I gave my body a moment o adjust and relax and Jason moaned approvingly as he stroked my thighs and cock. Once I was ready again I started a gentle rhythm of rising and falling and ushered a little bit more of him into my body with each successive descent. At last he was entirely inside me. He filled me as pleasure filtrated throughout my body. He was pleased as well.

“Fuck me,” he whispered.

I began rolling my hips. He moaned with the rhythm. As my body became accustomed to the sensation my rolling became short strokes. I wanted to control him with my ass, with my body. I would continue with the short rising and falling then suddenly plunge myself down on top of him. His breathing betrayed the depths of his pleasure.

“Fuck me,” he said a little louder.

The short stroking I kept up, although I allowed the tempo to shift as my mood swung from ecstasy to impishness.

“Fuck me, please.”

Now I gave his cock higher strokes; working him in and out of my ass. Whenever he would try to aid the tempo I’d press him back into the bed. He was fucking my ass but I was in control. Our breathing started matching our faster pace.

“Fuck me, “ he begged..

“Oh, please fuck me!”

By this time I had him sliding and thrusting into my ass as hard and fast as I could take him. My cock was rock hard; waving in the air.

I felt his body tighten, knowing that feeling from just a short time earlier, he was going to fill me with hot cum. His cock stiffened in my ass but I refused to relent in what was now a furious ass fucking. Jason cried out as he grabbed my cock. I wanted him to cum in my ass and he did; slamming his hips against my ass cheeks.

Just then I came in his hand, spraying pearl droplets across his chiseled belly and he used my cum to add to my climax while shoving his pulsing cock deeper into my ass as I pressed my ass down on him.

All seemed to swirl as he finished cum-stroking me into twitching spasms of delight.

Many minutes later, as his body finally relaxed and I felt his wonderful cock slide from my ass he raised his hand to lick the cum from his fingers. I was about to collapse but he sat up and we kissed yet again; and again I tasted myself. He laid back down and I lay on top of him kissing and stroking each other’s hair. And rubbing the cum between our bellies.

Another nap and the afternoon turned to evening. Thank goodness for pizza delivery because it gave us the strength to have much more to tell about.


Be gentle, it's my first time.
 
This is almost certainly more critique than you were seeking (you probably wanted "it is good" or It is bad") but I did tell you I would rip it apart if you posted it on this board. Other editors would likely choose different parts to revise but this is what I would change for second/third draft (whichever you are at). Quite likely there would be more changes later.
---------------------------------


I wound out the last few blocks of my bike ride to make up for being late to my appointment. As a martial arts teacher making better than $20 an hour for private lessons I felt obligated to be on time for each engagement. Rolling up the driveway I hopped off the bike, set it on its stand under the carport and walked around to the front door all the while vainly congratulating myself that despite the extra effort and the sunny day I hadn’t been sweating like a pig. I was just about to knock when I heard heated voices from inside the house. (delete this entire paragraph, it is weak and the story starts below anyway)
----------------------------

“Would you just fucking go already? He’s going to be here any moment!”

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

“Just get out.”

The door open and a “pretty-boy” all blonde and fresh-faced walked out with a wad of clothes in his arms.

“Get over yourself already,” the pretty boy admonished.

Inside stood my (martial art’s) student; the frustration in his face bleeding away to reveal mortified horror as he realized I was standing right there. (insert martial arts here, it replaces your deleted first paragraph in explaining why he is at Jason’s house)

“Sifu,” he said practically choking on the word.

“Jason,” I replied. “How’s it going?” ( re-punctuate )

“Jason has issues with who he is,” answered pretty-boy.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Jason yelled.

Pretty boy let out an indignant huff and walked away. I stepped inside and closed the door.

“I’m sorry, Sifu,” Jason tried to explain. “He’s just an annoying little shit.”

“Let’s just cut to the chase,” I said pulling rank. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“I’m not gay!”

“I don’t care if you’re gay. You’re treating him like shit.” ( "You treated him like shit." fix the quotes)

Jason looked genuinely startled. (appeared startled)

“No, he’s not my boyfriend. I’ve been going through a dry spell after my girlfriend left and he’s an easy piece of ass. I had a friend in college we used to fool around so I got used to being with a guy during dry spells.” (since my girlfriend) (delete the second sentence)

“Still,” I reprimanded. “You shouldn’t be so hard on him.”

“I was afraid you’d drop me as a student.”

”You must have a pretty low opinion of me.”

Suddenly he was mortified again. (Jason appeared mortified again, “No, no, no. Not at all, I didn’t –“)

“No, no, no. Not at all; I didn’t—“ (combined with previous))

I raised a hand to quiet him. Rank has its privileges. The fact of the matter was I had always had fantasies of my own although I never acted on them; so I certainly wasn’t going to judge him for such things. Jason was certainly the type I had fantasized about: young, lean, muscular like me. He had a swimmer’s body, tanned and smooth. Truth be told, my curiosity was piqued by the whole spectacle but he was a student and I was a teacher. One must maintain his professionalism after all. (The fact is, I have homosexual fantasies of my own, although I have never acted on them, so I certainly was not going to judge him for such things. The truth is, Jason is the type I fantasize about, young, lean and muscular, a swimmer’s body, tanned and smooth. My curiosity was piqued by the whole spectacle but he was a student and I was the teacher and one must maintain professionalism.

We walked to his backyard where we always conducted our lessons together. We went through the routine: stretching, calisthenics, the basics, the forms, blah, blah, blah.
(delete together replace we with “and” and make it all one sentence, lose blah, blah, blah and combine this with the next two paragraphs)

I had a lesson plan all set for the day but I kept finding myself distracted by thoughts by the revelation of the day and how for the first time Jason looked, not like a student, but damn fine. I’d shake the idea out of my head; he was a student after all, but I couldn’t focus on what I had planned. (delete everything in blue, combine the next paragraph with this one)

So we sparred. No striking, just grappling techniques and joint locks. I partly wanted to show him I trusted him with close contact and I partly just wanted close contact. Two men, great shape, in their shorts (both form fitting) working out in the sun. No man-on-man overtones there, right? (“two men in great shape, wearing form-fitting shorts and working out in the sun; no man-on-man overtones there, right?”) – no parenthetical descriptions please. re-punctuate first sentence (sparred; no striking….)

So, I let him work through a series of techniques making the obligatory efforts to confound him all the while wondering what he was thinking about me. As he’d finally close in on a lock I’d slip out and reverse it on him to correct his form and maintain the pecking order. (We worked through of techniques all the while…) as he would. (no contractions allowed outside of dialogue) (I would rather than I’d)

I guess a man can only be thrown to the ground or have his arm wrenched up behind his neck so many times before frustration sets in. In a flash, while I was distracted, Jason suddenly grabbed me and hoisted me over his shoulder down onto my shoulders. The pain was sharp and immediate. I didn’t move. Realizing just as quickly he had hurt me Jason leapt up. (passive voice phrase, change to “You can throw a man to the ground, or wrench his arm only so many times before…” the second line needs revision, the pictured action is unclear. (delete just as quickly and bring dialogue below up to end this paragraph.)

“Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

“My fault,” I heaved. “Wasn’t…paying…attention.” (I really hate triple punctuation for pauses, use commas)

“Are you OK?”

“I’ll be fine. I just have a crick in my back.” I was finally regaining my breath. Delete finally.

“Can I help?”

“Yes,” I said between breaths. “Massage my back with your knuckles like I showed you a while ago.” (delete ‘a while ago’ - unnecessary)

Jason straddled me and felt for my spine then placed his fists on either side of my spine. He rolled his knuckles back and forth as he had been taught. It took a couple of minutes but as the massage took hold my muscles loosened the CRACK! Everything popped back into place. It was such a relief it seemed as if my eyes were able to uncross themselves. With the pain gone there was nothing left but endorphins so the ubiquitous “athlete’s high” set in. I moaned deeply as he continued to press against me. Then I felt him. (delete- felt for my spine then. Replace – the crack with “and everything..” replace with with a semicolon. Delete the bit about eyes uncrossing, delete the last two sentences/phrases in blue )

As he massaged I felt him lower himself onto my buttocks and press his groin against my ass cheeks. My dopey eyes pooped open and he just as quickly lifted himself up slightly, a few inches, to a “respectable” distance. What happened next surprised me as much as it surprised him: I lifted my ass up back to touching his groin. He stopped rubbing my back for just a moment, not sure of my intent, but with my ass parked against his crotch for a few seconds more the message was unmistakable. He lowered himself and I did as well until we were naturally resting on the ground again. (begin this with Jason continued massaging.. or something besides “as”) delete the words in blue. I am sure you meant popped open, and the word dopey is unnecessary. Not sure should be ‘uncertain or unsure’ no comma before the conjunctions.

Now as he ran his hands up and down my back he would gently grind himself against my ass cheeks and I would moan for him as he did so. I felt his member swell with each stroke. My mind blazed with a thousand thoughts of being a teacher, being a friend and just being really horny. (do not begin paragraphs with cheap time continuum words (as,now,then)… make it action) (the entire first sentence is passive and should be rewritten)

“Sifu,” he started.

I spun over with him still straddling me. He looked nervous. I was too, but I hide well.

“Rich.”

“Rich, I’m…if you…I…” He fumbled for words. (delete tripled punctuation)

Out of the bottom of my eye I could see how aroused he was through his shorts. I placed a hand on his leg. (how does one see from the bottom of an eye? Change that part)

“We don’t…” (tripled punctuation)

My hand slowly went up his thigh and rubbed him through his shorts making him gasp with equal measures of surprise and delight. (delete slowly and revise the whole line to make it Rich’s action not his hands)

“Are you?” he asked. I chuckled as I wondered if he would ever again be able to finish a sentence. (delete again)

I smiled. “I don’t know. I never tried.”

I continued working him through his shorts and he resumed his slow grind, this time leaning forward so we could press ourselves against each other. Delete ourselves

Even though the backyard was walled off I suggested we go inside, both for privacy and to commit myself to the afternoon.

Once inside he stood before me and to reassure him I once again felt him though his shorts and he responded by pulling me closer to him, caressing my ass. Soon our hands were running up and down each others’ bodies. I loved the feel of his muscles. He leaned forward and kissed me and though I had always thought I would back away from that of all things, I didn’t. Our tongues played and flickered for the longest while. As tightly as we were pressed Jason slid a hand between and worked feverishly stroking me through my shorts. I would break our kiss to gasp and moan. Then he stepped back and placed his hand on my chest, pressing me back onto the bed. delete the blue words and sentences and replace with more flowing action. “Jason rubbed my crotch while we kissed… is better” (he leaned forward to kiss me and although I was scared, I didn’t back away.)

As I lay back he descended down my stomach, kissing and licking as he went while my cock never once lacked attention from his hands. As his face reached my groin he deftly slid me out of my shorts. As his hand came back up he cupped my balls as his tongue traced the length of my shaft. (another “as” to begin a paragraph, and all three sentences.) revise entire paragraph to get rid of all the “as he/I did” make it flow. Delete deftly (adverb unnecessary).

I moaned out loud.

His hand went from my balls to holding my cock—which by this time was already about to burst—and he began jerking me ever so slightly. The tip of his finger caught the bead of pre-cum that came out the top and he used its slickness to aid his jerking. Again, all I could do was moan and widen my legs. (delete ever so slightly, replace with “off”. Revise the second part – make it his action not his finger’s. “Jason caught a drop of pre-cum and used its slickness as lubricant to assist his jerking.” (or some such thing).

As good as I was feeling I all but died when he finally plunged me into his mouth. The warmth. The wetness. He sucked. He ran his tongue along my shaft and swirled it around the head of my cock as his hand worked from my shaft to my balls and back again. As bad as I wanted to cum in his mouth then and there I wanted something else even more.
{More “AS, As, As” - more revise, revise, revise)

I sat up and lifted his face. He seemed puzzled, but I kissed him again, tasting myself on his tongue. I pulled him into the bed with me. (onto the bed. (period) delete with me, bring the next paragraph up and combine with this one)

As soon as he settled I instantly started caressing him again. This time I let a finger slip into his shorts. The head of his cock was slick with pre-cum and I massaged it across the tip of his cock making him moan in turn before pulling my hand out to taste him. (combine with previous paragraph, delete the blue. Combine first and second sentences into a flowing action. “I started caressing him, I slipped a finger inot his shorts. He was slick with pre-cum and I rubbed it with my finger. He moaned when I pulled my finger out and tasted it…. Etc..”

I returned my hand this time fully inside his shorts, taking him fully in my palm. I started jerking him off. He moaned some more spread his legs and started rubbing the back of my neck. Delete fully twice, and delete some more

A minute later we shucked him out of his shorts and I was enjoying the hardness of his cock in my hand. I wasn’t sure if I could do it but I was determined to seize this moment. I leaned down an ran my tongue across his cock. (how about “we were naked” rather than the passive phrase. Wasn’t = was not. An=and.

When I reached the top I traced circles around his head, flickered and kissed it. A few more traces along his shaft and it was wet enough for me to jerk him easily. Then, as he had shown me mere minutes before, I plunged him into my mouth. His cock was soft and hard , salty and sweet. I would take him as deep into my mouth as I could then retreat, licking and sucking with all my might. I figured I must be doing something right because a couple of times he became so excited he all but gagged me by shoving himself deeper into my mouth as spasms washed over him. (starting with “when” is just a different form of “as” “ I reached the tip, traced circles around the head, flicked and kissed it.” “more traces? How about, “I licked his shaft until it was wet enough for me to jerk him off with ease.” (since you described the preparation for jerking, you should at least give the reader a sentence about it before diving into the oral). which was it, soft or hard, The rest is clumsy but passable, I would revise for flow.

At last he could take it no more and he rolled over and grabbed my (cock) again, practically stuffing me back into his mouth. We both continued sucking and licking for something between eternity and not-long-enough. I wanted to cum so bad, but I wanted himto cum first; afraid I’d lose my resolve once my passion was spent. I paused for just a moment to beg him to cum. (sigh, another “time” phrase to start a paragraph) (take it no longer) I’d should be I would. Delete “so bad”, no comma before conjunction (but), (him to cum first), delete just

Again, rank has its privileges because as I begged him his body tightened. I caught the first burst across the cheek, but by the second spurt his was back in my mouth and the warm fluid spilled back across my tongue and down my throat and I scrubbed my tongue across the underside of his cock. (delete him) no comma before conjunction, “his cock was back” delete the last part – unnecessary.

He cried out so loudly he couldn’t hold me in his mouth although his hand was working my saliva lubed cock harder than ever. His orgasm continued for quite some time but as soon ashe could regain even a modicum of his composure I felt my balls in his hot mouth. Then I felt his tongue trace up between my ass cheeks before it returned to my cock. (replace so loudly with “and”, couldn’t = could not, replace as soon as with ‘before’, delete his, insert comma after composure. and bring next paragraph up… “modicum of composure, it was my turn to cum…..

Now it was my turn to cum and I was in his face as far as he and we could both press. Just as I was about to release he slipped a finger inside my asshole and that was all it took. I sprayed as deep and hard [/color]into his mouth as I could. He held my entire length in his mouth as I pumped and gushed; one hand massaging my tightened scrotum as the other worked a pair of fingertips into my asshole. (period after cum. Delete rest. He slipped a finger….and that was all it took. I sprayed my (word for cum) into his mouth. replace as with while.)

Eventually we were spent; even exhausted. We lie together in a twisted heap and, as men often do after a good fuck…

…we fell asleep. (these two paragraphs should be combined, revised and unmangled… don’t begin with eventually, you are there in the action now, not some time unknown.
(Exhausted and spent, we fell asleep in each other’s arms. (he doesn’t know what men do after good fucks, this is his first.)


I awoke before Jason and I looked at his still naked body beside me; then I thought, Oh, what the hell. ( I like woke, but awoke is acceptable. Delete still and the last “I”, put his thought in italics)

I got up on all fours and leaned over him. As he was still sleeping I bent down and ran my tongue along his cock. Needless to say he woke up immediately…both of him. (remove the as. If it is needless to say, do not say it, no triple punctuation.)

He sat up as I stroked him and licked him up one side and down the other. This time I was being sloppy leaving extra saliva all over his cock, making it glistening and slick. We couldn’t have been asleep too long because he still had some cum left in his shaft. Good, that would help. (as = while. Delete first him, second him = his cock, delete ‘this time’, comma after sloppy, couldn’t = could not, been asleep = slept. Delete ‘some’.)

He leaned forward to take me back into his hand, but I gently pushed him back while shaking my head with a mischievous grin. As he settled back and smiled I swung a leg over him so that I was seated across him. Then I positioned his cock, now running with my saliva, at my asshole. Delete gently and then, insert wet after running.

I eased down and felt his head press against my asshole. His cock flexed with anticipation and it sent a pulse through my body. This is what I wanted.

I eased back again. He was so patient yet wanting me so badly. I felt the tip of him press in. I eased back again, slipped a little further inside. Gently rocking, I soon felt his width filling my asshole. Moments later his entire head slid inside and we both gasped. I would revise this whole paragraph. Delete the line about patient. Simply describe Rick easing onto Jason’s cock. (I eased back, Jason’s cock slid inside and we gasped.)

I gave my body a moment o adjust and relax and Jason moaned approvingly as he stroked my thighs and cock. Once I was ready again I started a gentle rhythm of rising and falling and ushered a little bit more of him into my body with each successive descent. At last he was entirely inside me. He filled me as pleasure filtrated throughout my body. He was pleased as well. ( While my body adjusted and relaxed, Jason stroked my things and moaned his pleasure. I started a gentle rhythm of rising and falling, (ushers lead, .. switch it to forcing .. and finally - the “at last he was finally” another cheapie, taking the action away for a “time indicator”. More “as” at the end.)

“Fuck me,” he whispered.

I began rolling my hips. He moaned with the rhythm. As my body became accustomed to the sensation my rolling became short strokes. I wanted to control him with my ass, with my body. I would continue with the short rising and falling then suddenly plunge myself down on top of him. His breathing betrayed the depths of his pleasure.
(comma after sensation, delete “as”, depth, not depths)

“Fuck me,” he said a little louder.

The short stroking I kept up, although I allowed the tempo to shift as my mood swung from ecstasy to impishness. (suddenly he changes his language style, I would delete this paragraph or revise it completely)

“Fuck me, please.”

Now I gave his cock higher strokes; working him in and out of my ass. Whenever he would try to aid the tempo I’d press him back into the bed. He was fucking my ass but I was in control. Our breathing started matching our faster pace. Delete “now”, comma after tempo, I’d = I would, delete the breathing line. I do not know what a higher stroke might be simply cannot picture that.

“Fuck me,” he begged.

“Oh, please fuck me!” (combine with previous line unless this is rick speaking)

By this time I had him sliding and thrusting into my ass as hard and fast as I could take him. My cock was rock hard; waving in the air. (cheap time indicator replacing action again,

I felt his body tighten, knowing that feeling from just a short time earlier, he was going to fill me with hot cum. His cock stiffened in my ass but I refused to relent in what was now a furious ass fucking. Jason cried out as he grabbed my cock. I wanted him to cum in my ass and he did; slamming his hips against my ass cheeks. (revise : perhaps “I refused to slow the now furious ass fucking.” (or something similar), delete the grabbed line or expand it to fit the situation better.

Just then I came in his hand, spraying pearl droplets across his chiseled belly and he used my cum to add to my climax while shoving his pulsing cock deeper into my ass as I pressed my ass down on him. (whole paragraph is clumsy… too many as, thens, and such. Tell how Jason made him cum, not just that he did” (a bit late to begin with chiseled bellies and more description of physique)

All seemed to swirl as he finished cum-stroking me into twitching spasms of delight.

Many minutes later, as his body finally relaxed and I felt his wonderful cock slide from my ass he raised his hand to lick the cum from his fingers. I was about to collapse but he sat up and we kissed yet again; and again I tasted myself. He laid back down and I lay on top of him kissing and stroking each other’s hair. And rubbing the cum between our bellies. (these two paragraphs need revision in order to serve as a closing. (they lay together, kissing and stroking each other… forget the cum play, forget the many minutes later…. Forget everything but trying to write a nice afterglow paragraph ending without a silly quip or cliché.
--------------------------------------------
Another nap and the afternoon turned to evening. Thank goodness for pizza delivery because it gave us the strength to have much more to tell about. Delete this paragraph, the whole pizza and nap thing is just off-putting and this paragraph is unnecessary.
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They had engaged in dialogue right until they went into the house, at least some dialogue should be included during the remainder of the sex, more than just a couple “fuck me, fuck me.” It does not need to be much, nor does it need to be deep probing love, just some chit/chat while they suck each other and remove their shorts, and such. The silence is quite noticeable. At least some small talk would be a nice addition.
 
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Without joking or feeling hurt...

...would you like me to list as co-author/editor?

I do not mind and your contributions seem to merit some sort of recognition.
 
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