First attempt at writing

[luvmehardtonite]

I have just written my very first story ever and am honored that it has been published here at literotica.com. It has been read almost 1500 times but has only received 4 votes. Is this normal? If any of you would be willing to read it and give me your feedback, I would be so grateful. Thank you....

The Title is "The Journey Ch 1" in the BDSM category and the author of course, is luvmehardtonite.

 

[MLyons]

Here's a live link to luvmehardtonite's story:

The Journey Ch. 01

 

[Varian P]

Luv,

Your story has a good opening—it teases the reader with curiosity about the Magic Wand, and also sets up the relationship in the first sentence.

This is totally a matter of personal preference: I notice a lot of Literotica stories are in the first person, but personally I don’t care for 1st person narration. I also run a little cold with present tense, but that’s just me, and who am I to talk when I recently stuck a huge scene into one of my stories in the present tense?

A few thoughts on specific text elements:

He yanks my head back so sharply that I gasp! Then, in deep contrast, he kisses me ever so softly and whispers, "It's time little one". There is one thing that intrigues me about David. He is the master of "contrasts". One minute he's so sweet and gentle. The next minute he unleashes the demons!

Personally, I’d advise you to stay away from exclamation points in your prose (as opposed to character dialogue), not to mention all caps for emphasis. Try to get the effect you’re going for by using the perfect verb or adjective (I love my online thesaurus). Also, there’s no need for quotes around “contrasts.”

I hear him unzip his pants. My God! The mere thought of him releasing his huge throbbing cock makes me wet!

If this is your first sexual encounter with David, how do you know his cock is huge? And since you’re doing 1st person narration, it seems to me you can’t know it’s throbbing.

You seem to have a knack for erotic description, and I found the sex quite, um, sexy. My main feedback there would be that I’d like more—that initial blowjob scene, for example, went by in the bat of an eye. It was working for me so I’d have like more details, how he felt in her mouth, how he smelled, tasted, perhaps a little more of the specifics of what was going on there and how the narrator felt as she was giving him head. Nervous that she’s not doing it well? Proud because she knows she is? Physically aching, knowing this huge cock (now that she knows it IS huge) will soon be filling her elsewhere?

Another example:
David uses first one toy then another.... and another. Repeatedly, he drives me just to the brink of yet another orgasm, daring me to cum, lest I suffer his wrath.

Please, please show me this, toy by toy, in complete delicious detail! At the very least, for goodness sake (in a pleading tone), you must tell us about the Magic Wand, to bring this episode full-circle back to the opening line.

I hope I’ve been at least somewhat helpful.

-Varian