Finally My first Submission ! :)

[simpleDARK]

"My Corruption"

Well, here I am ... finally had the guts to drop a story on the site and get as many comments as possible. If my writing seems up to par, I might drop some more ... this one is a little specialized... anal ... and not too gentle, so I understand that many folks will hate it right off the bat... but if this one gets a good review from the community, I should think that I can handle the vanilla stuff just as well.

If you hate anal... don't read it

I was hoping to get comments on general opinions, writing style and overall believability... it is true, but many writers claiming truthfulness aren't able to convey that to the reader.

Please, fire away... I want the good with the bad. One can't improve if one doesn't get any feedback.

If you do comment, please give some some good points and bad points. Tell me what you were thinking as you read it, not simple reply... "Cool" or "I liked it" as will hardly tell me anything about your reaction.

FIRE AWAY !!!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157390

Thanks,
--Eric

 

[sirhugs]

A small picky point first: it is "well bred" not "well bread", unless she has a yeast infection .

I would have preferred my show and less tell right up front. In other words, give us a sex scene showing her enjoying being woman on top, rather than " So as she indulged her enjoyment of being on top, " .

In the same sentence, you talk about "you" explore things, but don't say which things. Another missed opportunity.

The "And" before " her ass" is unnecessary. I think I wqould have made the great description of her ass right as paragraph two. After all, your audience will be ass fans. I think it flows better then to put the vanilla sex interlude bewtween the digital abnal and the birthday, showing his patience and building anxiousness.

The jump from the "present" chat to the sex back to dinner is choppy- especially with the teaser about your turn, but then dinner. Seemed unlikely to me.

You would benefit by using more dialogue, better conveying the emotions. This especially struck me when she consents to the anal sex. I wanted to hear her say it. And then say the terms.

How does he see her eyes if her face is in the pillow?

I like that you don't rush the sex scene. I don't like the image of her being torn. I would like to think they would give time for healing after before trying again . " Stretched" would have done fine for me.

On the other hand, I kind of wanted her to be the aggressor iin the secxond effort. Maybe a Monday wake up surprise of her rubbing her ass against his morning wood. But that's my idea, not your story... I digress.

To me, anal does not need the amount of pain you put Karen through. Though it is powerfully written, I would have stopped reading then if I was not doing feedback.

You have a typo " relieves" instead of " relieved" just before the page break.

"Pleasurable" is a weak adjective for such intense sex, especially fulfilling a long awaited fantasy.

Another typo: " cloths" should be " clothes".

If they still had sex the rest of the semester, what happened regarding anal all that while? That question made the nice twist ending sour for me.

Finally , the title. Isn't it really " Karen's Corruption"?

Overall though, you write nice hot sex- the essence of a great Lit authour. I want to read more.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Firing ...

Let's see ...

I am always torn on the issue of including out-of-text introductions to a story, where the author says hi and makes comments about the story itself. Part of me wants to do this - wants, for example, on Sweetness and Servitude Ch. 01 to put a disclaimer of "I *swear* this is not the namby-pamby, flowers and butterflies romance it initially may appear. Please, please keep reading." This is especially true in erotica, where readers are often more focused than is common on a specific plot element or fetish and therefore unlikely to continue if they don't see some immediate sign that that interest will be gratified. That said ... I have thus far resisted - just - the addition of such elements. Part of it is high-minded purism - the answer must be to improve my writing to the stage where people just can't bring themselves to put it down. The rest is structural - in my opinion, it does ugly things to the structure of a story to say much about it ahead of time.

With that immensely verbose backstory in place, I will say that I would not include the introduction, especially "My sweet, if somewhat prudish college girlfriend who promised me anything for my birthday, ends with her receiving something she didn't quite expect." I personally prefer the building of tension throughout the story - now I know everything, which reduces my desire to read and find out what happens. If you wish to keep the material about yourself, I might trim the intro to a sentence or two - "This is the true story of the beginning of my anal fetish. This was one of those special times that started me down this path, and has lead me to much less tame desires..." - and leave the rest for an afterword. There is a small but palpable difference between saying "Now that you've read this, meet the person who wrote it" and "Before you read my story, let me change the way you interpret it by telling you who wrote it." I prefer the latter, both as a reader and as a writer.

My manners, sense of responsibility and seriousness didn't allow me the luxury of a care-free time at college as many of these `little kids' were enjoying, completely sheltered and oblivious to the hardships of reality. Their priorities seemed so far away from mine, despite my being only a few years older than them, that I had little or no interest in them.

I understand the sense of difference there, and I think it's a good thing to observe. Its sets up immediate and interesting power relationships. However, the emotional value of these words is negative - you sound aggressive and rather bitter toward your classmates, and it discourages sympathy. Or should I say "your speaker" rather than you? Are you intended to be one and the same person?

The voice gets better, I think, as this continues. Your description of Karen and your feelings about her body and her sexual interests are pleasantly earthy, real, and varied. As no doubt you've noticed, there is a tendency in some erotic fiction to present a series of essenitially identical characters defined by statistics. I like the sense I get here of two real people - one rather inhibited and attractive but not a Playboy bunny, the other enjoying sex and the relationship but not a pair of porns stars with no other interests.

I enjoy, as well, the contrast in the narrator's perception of himself and his girlfriend and the way that that is tied into the idea of sex. The sexual act becomes intwined with his perception of himself as less "cultured," "sheltered," or "innocent" than his classmates, and I think that that contrast works nicely here. That does rely, to an extent, on that opening section where he explains his difference from the others, and I still think it should be there - just perhaps a little softened in its language to avoid inadvertantly generating hostility to the speaker.

I whispered in her ear "I want to make love to you... back there." Her body froze and I could tell she was stunned... but I had used all the proper words as to avoid an immediate rejection.

I loved this last phrase and its evocation of a sort of ritual. The speaker brings an enjoyable sense of playfulness while pointing out that he has, in fact, followed the "nice" rules, legitimizing his request by using the "proper" language. It continues well in this vein, and I enjoyed the depth that the speaker receives to his characterization when he offers counter-balances to his request: he kisses her nicely, he observes that always strives to keep his word to her, etc. It's a good, ambiguous balance to his later admitted roughness in taking her from behind; as a reader, I felt more sympathetic to his frustration, given that I knew he'd made concessions from his end. Similarly, later, his reassurance and thanks to her bring the reader back to a sympathy for the speaker, making (for me at least) all the more delicious his occasional acknowledgement that he receives a perverse thrill from doing things that he knows she doesn't like.

The physical details of insert of the finger are good. I like the way you record her body's reaction to the stress, growing tighter and more resistive than usual. It's realistic while not degenerating into clinical.

I'm not a big fan of statistical description. The observations about the speaker's "210, 6'3" body" and "6.5" cock" come across more like design specifications. Personally, I don't see that much need to know height or dimensions, but it would be better to go comparative and give a sense of intimate physical presence - "I'm tall, and built strongly enough that her trembling body was dwarfed under me" - than go with number.

I enjoyed the speaker's contemplation of his actions after the first anal penetration. Again, I like the depth here - he enjoys it immensely, even gets as far as admitting that the power and Karen's protests are part of what he enjoys, but also wonders about the ethical implications. Intriguing, and more like a real person than we are often given in erotic fiction.

The further I read into this (I am commenting as I read), the more effective and erotic I find the author's awareness of his own underlying sadism. His decision to re-iterate penetration works very nicely with this, and pulls together the connected themes of pleasure in sadism and pleasure in control.

On the whole a well-written story. I quite enjoyed it.

Shanglan

 

[simpleDARK]

Thanks for the indepth replies. I've been taking notes and will try to incorperate some of these suggestions into any further works. I've recieved some decent feedback, and several folks was more.

If anybody else could / would comment, I'd much appreciate it.

The story is actually true, and I did very little to 'enhance' its readability. There really is no 'character' except my own personal inner commentary.

Karen is a real person, who is too prudish to consider anything besides vanilla sex. We had broken up for over 6 months before she asked my that last question that some folks seem to feel is out of place or unbelievable. It was real, so I felt it needed to be added... there was however a little more to that exchance...and some background where she had been slowly coming around to more active and experimental sex on her own since our breakup... and the question she asks in the end was more to show how she had changes, and for the first time...actually ASKED for something like that... but of course while she asked on her own without prompting...she still couldn't us the words for it... and simply asked if I wanted to try it again "back there".
Which showed that her upbringing was still a factor... earlier that weekend she had let me "kiss her down there" (meaning her pussy) for the first time ever and loved it immensely...and her asking if I wanted to try the other entrance, was possibly her way of 'repaying' me for going down on her...

If I could get a little more feedback, I'd love to hear it.

I do understand that the topic isn't something that interests most folks ... but it -IS- part of my own "corruption". Hence the title....

Thanks again,

simpleDARK