finally....here it is

[KinkyKiki]

FINALLY. I have another chapter to my ongoing story. I have gotten so much wonderful feedback in the past, but could use more now. Here is chapter 5

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49528

Please read it if you wouldn't mind and give me feedback, good bad or suggestions for the future. I'd appreciate it all. You'll have to go back and read all the parts to understand it. Please forgive chapter 1 and all the mistakes, the wrong version got submitted. Other than that I'll take all comments. Please help me out guys. Thanks

 

[NoJo]

First For Us Both Ch. 5

KK,
Well I read it, and I liked it. No heavy sex, but you did say in the intro it was perparatory stuff for the future.
It stimulated my curiosity. I wanted to know more about this very guilt-free brother and sister relationship, so I went back to chapter 1 to get the background.
The main thing I was looking for was how the relationship started. But I was disappointed:

"Wait...we shouldn't be doing this" she pulled back slightly. " It wouldn't be right since you're my brother"

That HAS to be an understatement! Would that really be all she'd say/feel?

So I didn't find the incest part of it that believable, in fact I kept forgetting it completely, thinking of them as merely illicit boyfriend and girfriend keeping a little secret from Mom and Dad.

I'd love future chapters to explore their relationship a bit more. If they really do feel so guiltless, then I'd like to learn how would they deal with all the "narrow-minded" people around them who don't see incest that way...and maybe some other feelings like jealousy, say if one of them went on a date with someone else.

I await Chapters 6, 7, 8... eagerly.

Joe.

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay, you asked for my opinion. That is all your getting. I enjoyed your story. For a chapter story it was well defined and moved forward quickly. The characters were beginning to take shape and come to life. Which leads me to my first complaint. This chapter was very short. Since it was a part of a whole story, you might consider giving the readers more at a time. I would have liked for this story to have continued for another Lit page or two, especially since we know you are planning to write more.

Now on to specific issues.

First sentence: …her and her brother… should be …she and her brother…

Second sentence. You don’t need the and assured her everything would be okay Since you then give us the dialog it makes the narrative statement redundant.

Third paragraph: They could make love whenever they wanted and not worry about their parents ever suspecting, but as the summer neared an end reality was setting in that their parents were coming home and they'd have to explain Julie's condition to them.

As the summer neared an end is a parenthetical phrase and should be set apart by commas. However the entire sentence is awkward and should be redone.

General stuff:

The tone of this story is narrative. This makes it feel more like someone telling a story than the story actually happening. The narrator becomes a character and detracts from the story. You might consider moving the narrator out. It will help your story flow easier and make the reading more interesting.

Second point, is the use of dialog tags: “He said”, “He stated”, “She began”, “He replied”, and all the rest. The next time you write, after you finish the story, go back and remove all of the dialog tags. You might be surprised at how much it improves the story.

Overall you are in the process of writing a good story. Keep it up and don’t be a stranger around the “Author’s Hangout.” You might be surprised at how often there are threads that discuss issues that could help improve your writing. And you could contribute and maybe teach the rest of us a few things too.

Ray

 

[KinkyKiki]

Thank you all for your comments. I wanted them all, good or bad, so I'm not upset about the negative stuff. Please keep it coming. I do however want to explain a few things. First of all I know there are grammatical errors, I warned you that ahead of time and asked those not be pointed out since I was already aware. Also I did leave most of my tag lines out in the first place, but when I had other people and a few editting experts read it they recommended I put them back in so I did. And finally as for the brother and sister I know it happens a little easily, but they're completely in love and it's something they've both always wanted and as for the jealousy of one of them dating that wouldn't happen because neither of them want anyone but the other. Thank you all so much for the help though, it'll only help me get better. Please keep it coming and stay tuned for more soon.

 

[Ray Dario]

KinkyKiki,

Sorry I thought you were only excusing chapter 1, so I didn't go into detail on it. My appologies.

You actually had an editor tell you to put Tags in? Shame on that editor. I'm going over to the Author's Hangout and starting a thread on that right now. Maybe I'm wrong, if so I'm sure many people will be happy to tell me so.

Ray