Figuring things out in a D/s relationship ...

[an_angels_wings]

I think I'm mostly in need of support, really. My husband and I have been together for four years and married for nearly one. He's my first sexual partner, and last night he essentially dominated me.

I've long-since had the desire to know what it would feel like to be submissive in a scene (please forgive me if I'm using terminology wrong ... I've done some research, but not as much as I would like — it's an ongoing process). Since the library appears to be under reconstruction ... I figured I would just post and see if I might find some support.

I don't know if there are other boards specifically for submissives ... or Dominants, really, as I'm not sure 100% how my husband feels. He seemed to enjoy himself thoroughly. It was late when we finished, though, so we didn't really get to talk about much. I let him know that I want to do it again and learn more about D/s relationships and explore it together. He agreed.

I just ... don't know where to go from here. I don't even know if what we did is considered D/s or if we'd be laughed at as complete novice/amateurs (which we are, but that's beside the point).

But I was so turned on that he held my arms down and told me exactly what he wanted to do to me, and that I told him I wanted what he wanted. He seemed surprised; I told him I wanted to do whatever it was that would please him the most. I think he nearly lost it at that point. And then he did exactly what he wanted to do, which was what I wanted him to do. It was amazing.

It's a complete and utter baby step ... but I figure everyone starts somewhere, right? My issue is that I can't seem to find a lot of resources for married couples who were together before realizing their D/s natures and began exploring together. I find a lot of people who entered the D/s scene, explored, found their life partner, and THEN married. Anyone have any good resources?

... okay, I'm babbling at this point. Sorry for the randomness and I hope I don't look too much like an idiot.

Thanks in advance.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Aaaand whoops, I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum, lmao. Meant to put this in the main BDSM forum. Sorry guys. *facepalm*

 

[graceanne]

I think I'm mostly in need of support, really. My husband and I have been together for four years and married for nearly one. He's my first sexual partner, and last night he essentially dominated me.

<snip>

Thanks in advance.

Hi, and welcome. Don't worry about being a novice, a good majority of people on this board are novices, it happens to even the best of us.

Do you have any specific questions you want to ask? I have to say that if you're looking for a guidebook to tell you exactly how to do this and which steps to take, you won't find one. Every relationship is different, and that includes kinky ones; everyone likes different things. If you're not sure what you like, or even which questions to ask, I'd suggest both of you filling out a checklist and going from there.

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

 

[graceanne]

Aaaand whoops, I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum, lmao. Meant to put this in the main BDSM forum. Sorry guys. *facepalm*

Accidentally putting things here doesn't annoy people anywhere as much as putting something in the other forum when it should be here. Don't worry about it.

 

[an_angels_wings]

A checklist would probably be a great place to start.

I'm definitely not looking for a "guidebook." I know everyone is different, and some might not consider what we would consider a D/s relationship even a D/s relationship (if that made any sense).

I'm mostly just looking for resources to share at this point and possibly to be able to talk with others about their experiences and whatnot. Clearly I don't have a lot of experience to share, but I like to be prepared, lol.

For example, I'm not sure if I want to take the D/s lifestyle out of the bedroom. DH asked me last night if I wanted to and I told him I didn't know ... because I don't know. Perhaps we can try it to see if we like it. There's just so much ... and it sounds silly, but realizing something that can impact the way you live the rest of your life just feels so overwhelming!

 

[ZRT]

Welcome to this kink of ours.

Don't sweat the newbness, and by and large we're not big fans of defining what's 'true' bdsm around here. Everybody's got their flavor.

So come on in, the water's warm.

 

[eastern sun]

Hi. And welcome.

It sounds to me like you've found something you're both interested in, which is a great place to start. I would encourage you to keep exploring together, keep talking about what you like and don't like, remember that it's a process of trial and error (which means you might discover things you don't like, and it's not the end of the world).

My husband and I turned a marriage into a TPE, and went through very rocky periods as we hit a variety of obstacles. Mostly due to emotional reactions on both sides of the relationship that we didn't expect or want.

On the other hand, we also have discovered ways to enjoy each other that we never suspected we would actually do when we first got married. And after 22 years of marriage, I think it's pretty cool that we can still surprise each other sexually.

Enjoy the journey.

 

[sb2009]

I'm not as experienced as anyone else on this thread, but I can say that lots of people here are great for input and advice. Except that Graceanne, she's just a perv, don't listen to her ;-)

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I am SO not going to re-invent the wheel here. LOTS of good advice for new to the scene and new to each other being kinky or D/s oriented:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=577315
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=526118
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=524989
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=515859

These threads have advice, resources, reading material etc. Welcome to our world!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Welcome to this kink of ours.

...

So come on in, the water's warm.

Only because SOMEONE peed in the pool! *LOL*

 

[graceanne]

I'm not as experienced as anyone else on this thread, but I can say that lots of people here are great for input and advice. Except that Graceanne, she's just a perv, don't listen to her ;-)

Dude. I know where you live.

Only because SOMEONE peed in the pool! *LOL*

It was SB! She told me!

 

[sb2009]

I can't beleive you ratted me out!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

grace is like that... sweet, innocent... but sneaky.

 

[CutieMouse]

When Someone You Love is Kinky is a decent (book) resource to maybe start discussing what's going on in each of your heads. My best advice would be to sort out what y'all want from a power based relationship, and go from there.

 

[~Haze~]

I think you'd enjoy reading The Loving Dominant by John Warren.

Amazon Link

It's an interesting read and I think you'll find that the author, who is in a loving and committed BDSM relationship with his wife, worked through and articulated many of the things that you're struggling with right now. It's worth it for that reason alone.

It's easy to read, easy to understand, written for someone not familiar with the world of BDSM and a good first step to take.

Advice... for now.... I'd say take it slow, talk it through, experiment and just have fun. Keep taking baby steps and enjoy yourselves, each other, and what you learn about yourselves (and each other).

 

[rosco rathbone]

Just keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual and remember: No Kids, No Scat, No Blood and No Poo and No animals. Welcome to bdsm!

 

[BiBunny]

Just keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual and remember: No Kids, No Scat, No Blood and No Poo and No animals. Welcome to bdsm!

Bwahahaha!

 

[an_angels_wings]

LOL, thank you all for your responses. I plan on looking into the books that you have mentioned and will check out those threads as well. Like I said before, the library thread is under construction. =)

Take it slow is a great thing that I need to remember. Now that I've had a taste of it, I want more, and it's like, iwantitnowwwww. But it might not be that easy for DH. I plan on trying to talk to him tonight a little more about it and see how serious he is about exploring a power exchanging relationship. See if he would be interested in reading the material and if he desires, even, to be a Dom (I hope so, lol).

We shall see!!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I was a little worried about my utter newbiness ... but I sincerely appreciate your advice and kind words. =) I plan on hanging out here most definitely!

 

[Kajira Callista]

I can't beleive you ratted me out!

twas the purple ring around your bathing suit that gave it away

 

[Kajira Callista]

Just keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual and remember: No Kids, No Scat, No Blood and No Poo and No animals. Welcome to bdsm!

Hi Uncle Rosco. Want cookies?

 

[sb2009]

twas the purple ring around your bathing suit that gave it away

oh I was so scared of that when I was a kid...I was sure that even if I *didn't* pee in the water, I'd still get the purple ring....it's my whole guilt complex LOL

 

[candyshellcomet]

Hi, and welcome. Don't worry about being a novice, a good majority of people on this board are novices, it happens to even the best of us.

Do you have any specific questions you want to ask? I have to say that if you're looking for a guidebook to tell you exactly how to do this and which steps to take, you won't find one. Every relationship is different, and that includes kinky ones; everyone likes different things. If you're not sure what you like, or even which questions to ask, I'd suggest both of you filling out a checklist and going from there.

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

I remember my very first list six years ago on that other website (you know, the one with just three letters ) and I was just thinking (lol) I should fill out the one you linked and send this out instead of my resume/CV. I may not get hired anywhere, but I'd definitely get much more interesting responses. Thank you for the subversive inspiration heehe

 

[subish2009]

<snip>
It's a complete and utter baby step ... but I figure everyone starts somewhere, right? My issue is that I can't seem to find a lot of resources for married couples who were together before realizing their D/s natures and began exploring together. I find a lot of people who entered the D/s scene, explored, found their life partner, and THEN married. Anyone have any good resources?

</snip>

My husband and I were together in college before either of us had any clear understanding of BDSM and our interest therein. When we did start getting interested, together, we jumped in with both feet. I was collared with a signed master/slave contract within a week of our first experience. We were 21. We had NO IDEA what we were doing.

We backed off a lot and it took several years, but we've really hit our stride now and are on the same page about almost everything. It's all about communication...just keep talking it through. You may be surprised how your tastes may change over time...I know ours did and I hear that pretty frequently from others, too, it seems.

I think the huge advantage of coming at this lifestyle from within an already (presumably) healthy marriage is that you can recognize that this is one part of your marriage...even if you decide to go 24/7...you have a strong base as a couple to start from, I hope, and that can only help you navigate this new area together.

Talk, talk, talk. And good luck!

 

[rida]

LOL, thank you all for your responses. I plan on looking into the books that you have mentioned and will check out those threads as well. Like I said before, the library thread is under construction. =)

Take it slow is a great thing that I need to remember. Now that I've had a taste of it, I want more, and it's like, iwantitnowwwww. But it might not be that easy for DH. I plan on trying to talk to him tonight a little more about it and see how serious he is about exploring a power exchanging relationship. See if he would be interested in reading the material and if he desires, even, to be a Dom (I hope so, lol).

We shall see!!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I was a little worried about my utter newbiness ... but I sincerely appreciate your advice and kind words. =) I plan on hanging out here most definitely!

Hi & welcome!

Hubby and I had been married for over 5 years when he tentatively suggested to add some D/s to our marriage.

It took me some time to warm up to it (like a couple of years), mostly because there were other issues that needed addressing in our marriage and I felt that he was trying to fix it with sex, a different kind, but still sex.

My first check list is so full of "no ways in hell" replies that it made me smile and chuckle when I saw it again recently.

Anyway, once I accepted and embraced my nature as submissive, it actually caused me to get into overdrive D/s (and M/s) desires, like you said: I wanted it all and I wanted it NOW! (It is called sub-frenzy, I've learned)
I even thought I wanted Hubby to became a full time 24/7 TPE Master, and the struggle was that he did not felt he had the time and energy and the desire for it.

After talking, some struggles, a short-lived intense on-line relationship (our marriage is open), we have now found a balance between my needs/desires and his needs desires:

Hubby is the Dominant in our marriage, but his active domination is a bedroom only arrangement, although I'm the one that does everything in the house/home, and even thou I do not have to ask him permission for anything, I always keep his desires and wishes in mind when making any decision.

I'm also free to pursue other relationships according to my needs as far as they do not interfere with Hubby's wishes and desires.

It will take time for you to find a balance. And then something will happen and you'll have to rebalanced it, over and over. But that is what relationships are: a constant adjusting of two (or more if you are poly) peoples needs and desires, and compromises with the outside worlds responsibilities.

If you have any question, feel free to ask
Good luck! and have fun!