Fetish or Obsession?

[southern_gal]

I have been wondering when does a fetish cross the line to becoming an obsession. I cannot think of anything that I might classify as a fetish that I have, but I do think my husband has a couple. I guess my real question is do you think it better to indulge those obsessions and see if perhaps they subside a bit (we are NOT talking anything dangerous or illegal) or is it better to just wait and see if they fade into the background on their own?

 

[jasonmason]

I have been wondering when does a fetish cross the line to becoming an obsession. I cannot think of anything that I might classify as a fetish that I have, but I do think my husband has a couple. I guess my real question is do you think it better to indulge those obsessions and see if perhaps they subside a bit (we are NOT talking anything dangerous or illegal) or is it better to just wait and see if they fade into the background on their own?

That is entirely up to you and your husband. My personal opinion would be go for it as long as both of you are willing participants. I am curious to hear wha some of your fetishes are.

 

[dlowe77]

It really depends on how comfortable you feel with it. Either way I think communication is key. I think a lot of women are under the perception that if they indulge certain fetishes that it will encourage further deviant thought and cause the guy to spiral into depravity. The reality is he may only be sharing what he feels comfortable with now, as you indulge him he may open up more and share more of what he has been fantasizing about all along.

If you are concerned his fetishes may replace normal sexual activities, simply communicate it to him, let him know while you may indulge him, you still expect whatever it is you want.

If you don't want to participate in his fetishes communicate that as well...

Ignoring his fetishes and fantasies aren't going to make them go away though, he may just decide to quit trying to include you in it.

 

[southern_gal]

The last line you wrote is what is bothering me a little bit. We have pretty much agreed that if I am not wanting to participate in a particular fetish that I won't complain if he looks at videos but I am finding out that it does sort of bother me a bit because I want to be the one he lusts after. I gave my word and will abide by it and so far it has not become a really big deal but I am a bit torn between doing somethings I am not really wild about or sitting by and let another woman satisfy my husband. (albeit by video)

 

[dlowe77]

Make sure you communicate that if it bothers you then it bothers you, you can no more control that then he can control his fetishes or fantasies. This is a tough spot to be in for the both of you, but a lack of communication and honesty can only make it worse.

 

[southern_gal]

I probably should have said I feel uncomfortable doing a couple of the things he wants, rather than give the impression that I am upset about it. But your advice is sound and the most likely route to take. Thanks for answering.

 

[Little Bird]

There's a big difference between what a person thinks would be hot as a fantasy and what a person would actually consider doing.
Because as you are telling yourself, there are always repercussions that can make it totally not worth it.

People are watching or reading about exiting things all the time with no itention to ever do it. Just look at the entire genre of action movies. Sure, it's really cool to watch or to think how cool it would be to do it. But supposed I had the opportunity to, I don't know, blow up the statue of liberty at night when nobody is there, I wouldn't be fun to do it because I know what massive fallout it would cause and how many people get panicked, and how disruptive it would be to daily life all over the world, and how it gets police unneccessarily antsy, and so on...
And I don't think it's very different with sexual fantasies as well. If you do it, it will have consequences, and you will have to live with them forever. As a fantasy, it does not have any consequences, so the fantasy can be very enjoyable while actually doing it wouldn't be so at all.

I would even dare to assume that not getting specific fantasies fullfilled will make anyone to start cheating. If they do, they treat their relationship in a way where they don't need such a justification to start cheating.

Which leaves the issue of porn, which is indeed a bit more complicated. But I think even in life action film, the people who are seen are characters, not people. It's not different from written descriptions or drawn images. You don't know anything about the person, what kind of people they would be if you would talk with them, if you would even like them, what things they like, what things they do, and so on.
If your husbands fantasies where about people he knows, like neighbors or coworkers, that would be an entirely different thing and completely justify your concerns. But with characters from a fictional scene, I don't think there is much to worry about. He can't share any of the time he shares with you with them. He can't get any of the thing he gets from you from them instead.
And depending how much you are comfortable with it, it doesn't have to be something in his life from which you are completely exluded. If you think something is a hot idea but you never want to do it, you can watch it together if you tell him clearly that this doesn't mean you're trying to get more comfortable with the idea.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Fetishes ARE obsessions. Depending on a bunch of, I dunno, personality components, people can set their obsessions aside-- or not. I am one of those people who is riddled with fetishes, some of which I can set aside some I cannot ignore-- and which are which has changed over the years, and I'm sure that many other folks have that same experience.

 

[southern_gal]

Thanks for the info Stella, I have read some of your comments in other threads and they seem to be experience based. For me I felt like a fetish was something that was sort of like a craving and an obsession was something that was hard to put out of your mind. I will be the first to admit that my original post was a bit overly dramatic and inside I have few issues with anything my husband does or even fantasizes about. I trust him more than anybody I have ever known. I guess my real issue is whether I can get comfortable doing some things that are totally opposite the life I have been living and acting out for 40 years. It isn't that I don't want to do new things and especially some things that flip his switch, because I simple adore him after all these years and love seeing him look at me with lust sometimes, but still I just cannot seem to get comfortable with ME doing things that are provacative. Perhaps that will come with time and baby steps.

 

[blade_rocknut]

Pretty much echoing Stella here. Ignoring these things is certainly not the answer. Through communication, you two decide if, how, and to what extent to entertain these things. Never mistake your partner's suppression of fantasy for his getting past it.

 

[subwannabe]

Boy, you sound like my wife. I have some fetishes that I don't think she's really crazy about but she humors me from time to time, probably hoping that I will get it out of my system. But, in your language, they're probably more obsessions than fetishes so they don't go away. You also sound a lot like my wife when it comes to some kind of hatred (for lack of a better word) of me using some sort of alternate means of getting satisfaction, such as videos, etc. I have a hard time understanding this. It must be some kind of mars/venus thing. Why should you care if he gets his rocks off to some "fetish" by watching a video, as long as it doesn't effect his relationship with you? I don't want to tell you what to do because this decision is ultimately yours but if you have a great relationship my opinion is that both of you should be willing to satisfy the other by doing things within reason that you know pleases the other, even if it is not really your cup of tea. If you don't really care for doing it then option number two should at least be to give him your blessing in letting him use videos, etc.

 

[Emerson40]

The last line you wrote is what is bothering me a little bit. We have pretty much agreed that if I am not wanting to participate in a particular fetish that I won't complain if he looks at videos but I am finding out that it does sort of bother me a bit because I want to be the one he lusts after. I gave my word and will abide by it and so far it has not become a really big deal but I am a bit torn between doing somethings I am not really wild about or sitting by and let another woman satisfy my husband. (albeit by video)

As long as he is eating at home, does it really matter where he gets his appetite?
Looking at fetish related images, reading stories, or even watching video will never be a substitute for you.
Keep the lines of communication open, be affectionate, considerate, and clear about what you are comfortable with, and the pace at which you are willing to proceed. I'm sure he is very happy that he can discuss this with you, and share his feelings with you.

I think we all have fetishes of one sort or another, and what may seem extreme to some, may be thought of as tame by others. Eye of the beholder.

I think an obsession is something that takes you away from your responsibilities, and your pursuit of which negatively impacts the important and essential things in you life - job, relationship, health, family, etc.

 

[newgentleguy]

southern... this is really one of the key issues facing couples today, wifey and i included. i'm highly charged 24/7 with multples of kinks, fetishes, obsessions etcetcetc... she's the sweetest gal in the world and i married her and damn lucky! she doesn't have the same sex drive that i have nor does she share my exact tastes in sex, just like we don't share the exact same tastes in music or food. but we DO both enjoy sex and music and food etcetcetc.. how we deal the differences in sex appetite and sex preferences has evolved over time. it's not always easy to merge our differences in the bedroom. sometimes it's like magic, everything clicking and other times it's like two trains going opposite directions. it's damn tricky and we are both learning how to give and take.

very good thread.

 

[southern_gal]

Thanks for all the thoughful responses, and even those that took what I said the wrong way. My husband and I have a very happy marriage. I came to Lit because I want to get idea on how to better express myself from those that have been where I am and have gotten past it. At no point did I say or even imply that I hated his watching videos of things I cannot get myself to do (yet). I merely said that I have found that it bothers me a little bit. Read: I am jealous of another woman providing what I cannot bring myself to do at the moment. Do we fight about sex? Never. Will he ever walk out if I don't get to the point that I can do things that I would like but cannot seem to do? Of course not. I was just asking for opinions and am thankful for those that responded. There was one comment that said something to the point of get over it and do it to make him happy if that's what he wants....dear, marriages should not work that way. If one feels they have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable just to satisfy a partner, there are bigger problems looming ahead.

 

[southern_gal]

Pretty much echoing Stella here. Ignoring these things is certainly not the answer. Through communication, you two decide if, how, and to what extent to entertain these things. Never mistake your partner's suppression of fantasy for his getting past it.

Thanks so much for that thought because that is really what I had in mind when I posed the question. And make no mistake my guy is not hung up on something terrible it's more that I have such a conservative way of acting and keeping a large part of me under wraps. Always have.

 

[eroticman61]

I have been wondering when does a fetish cross the line to becoming an obsession. I cannot think of anything that I might classify as a fetish that I have, but I do think my husband has a couple. I guess my real question is do you think it better to indulge those obsessions and see if perhaps they subside a bit (we are NOT talking anything dangerous or illegal) or is it better to just wait and see if they fade into the background on their own?

I say go with it. Those feelings and thoughts are there for a reason. Enjoy!

 

[army81male]

If one feels they have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable just to satisfy a partner, there are bigger problems looming ahead.

You know, I agree. It's kinda like an ice burg. It may seem big on the surface, but what's lerking on the surface is nothing compared to what's hiding under the surface.

 

[midwestyankee]

In its truest form, a fetish is a form of stimulation that is an absolute requirement for a person to become aroused. Is it the case that your husband absolutely cannot get aroused unless he is participating in, viewing, or watching Activity A? Or is it the case that he's in a place where his arousal is highest around Activity A but possible with other stimulation? Seems to me that clarifying this distinction, through talking with him, is step number one. Then you'll know more clearly how to proceed to keep the charge in your mutual battery.

I have kinks but no true fetishes. So I keep my kinks largely under wraps to keep my relationship with my very non-kinky wife in a good place. It's not easy to suppress a kink for the benefit of your relationship with a non-kinky person, but it's possible. I'm very hopeful that this is also the case with you and your husband.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

I have been wondering when does a fetish cross the line to becoming an obsession. I cannot think of anything that I might classify as a fetish that I have, but I do think my husband has a couple. I guess my real question is do you think it better to indulge those obsessions and see if perhaps they subside a bit (we are NOT talking anything dangerous or illegal) or is it better to just wait and see if they fade into the background on their own?

I'm going to speak my experience with my very exclusive fetish here:

I used to be an incredibly self conscious person sexually. I never experienced much in the way of attraction to other people and it always bothered me greatly, partly because I had this drive and yet nothing to really capitalize upon it with due to that lack of attraction, and partly because - hey - it's a bit weird not to be attracted to people, isn't it?

That went on a long time, and it really sucked, and I wasn't happy about it. What changed that was one day, I had my first experience with something that made me go "wow this is hot". I had not experienced intense sexual attraction and chemistry before that moment. It was extremely good in that way, but it also presented a previously unknown fact about myself - I had a fetish. Now I could either embrace this or ignore it, like you said... I chose to embrace mine. Really, it was such an attraction I didn't feel as though I ever had much of a say in the matter.

That was 3 and a half years ago, and these have been the most sexually satisfying years of my life. The sexual satisfaction has carried over to great emotional satisfaction and wellbeing, pleasure in life as well. I am still almost exclusively attracted to my fetish and I live a happy, healthy, confident and normal (in my opinion, at least) life meanwhile enjoying my fetish whenever I have time and the mood suits me.

I know there are some fetishes out there that it's not appropriate to accept as part of your life so I'm speaking exclusively of fetishes that can be healthy to a person.

On the subject of obsession versus fetish, I would argue that a fetish is indeed a varying level of sexual obsession. For me it is quite strong and I have had different experiences with it, some I felt impacted me somewhat negatively but most have been very positive. Honestly I think the best thing to do is to enjoy it. After all it's something that has the power to give you more pleasure and satisfaction in life.