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Jon Carroll - SF Chronical, May 27, 2004
Not to make fun but merely to have a lovely laugh, we present an entirely different universe created and maintained through the magic of odd prose, as follows. Emily Mannion of San Francisco sent along this leaflet issued to English- speaking visitors by the Tokyo Police Department:
"At the rise of a hand from a policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him. When a passenger of the foot hoves in sight, tootle the horn trumpet at him."
Already we are in heaven, an earthly paradise featuring policemen with inflatable hands and passengers of the foot and horn trumpets that tootle, oh my, lest there be disrespect inferred or implied.
"If he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigor and express by word of mouth the warning 'Hi, Hi!' Beware of the wandering horse that he shall not take fright as you pass him. Go soothingly by, or stop by the roadside till he pass away. Give a big space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
The festive dog that makes sport in the roadway. Has this concept ever been more charmingly expressed?
Finally, "Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. Press the brake of the foot as you roll around the corners to save the collapse and tie up."
We have met the skid demon and he is ours.
In the toy department, we have the "Non-Toxic Non-Edible Magic Chameleon's Tongue -- Wild Animated Tongue Will Shock You Greatly!"
What is it about this tongue? "The product has stickiness, it can be stretched like soft rubber and will stick to things like stick-fast glue. It is a game to play with sticking things from far away."
Some fun, this sticking things from far away. But there are cautions: "Do not throw toward head or face of person. Do not throw toward or put near the fire place. Though not toxic, it is forbidden to eat. Do not overstretch the tongue of the Chameleon, otherwise, it will go off."
Not your cup of tea? How about the Super Skiing Penguins? "Dear Customer: As a cleanly creature, penguins may get ill and refuse to ski when constant operations cause dust. Take care of your cute friends as below and you would share the incredible joy of their race. ... Penguins will become crippled when forced to ski on the floor."
As who would not?
Finally, we have this marvelous brief biography of the composer Vincenzo Bellini from the liner notes of a record album produced in Italy:
"Bellini was born in Catane in 1801. Old of 18, he is admeted to the College of St-Sebastien in Naples. His first Oper 'Adelson e Salvini' written in 1825 is the beginning of his career. Chopin and Wagner admired him. We see badly that master of the Bel Canto writting a concerto for hautboy and here is a work with a big beauty. Through these melodies and his joice for life, this work written by a young men of 20 years old, take immediately the adhesion."
A work with a big beauty taking the adhesion. One is almost embarrassed to watch. You don't suppose that joice is ... James?
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Jon Carroll is on vacation; his column will return. This Carroll Classic, "Odd prose III: the nighthorse continues,'' was originally published on April 21, 1987.
Not to make fun but merely to have a lovely laugh, we present an entirely different universe created and maintained through the magic of odd prose, as follows. Emily Mannion of San Francisco sent along this leaflet issued to English- speaking visitors by the Tokyo Police Department:
"At the rise of a hand from a policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him. When a passenger of the foot hoves in sight, tootle the horn trumpet at him."
Already we are in heaven, an earthly paradise featuring policemen with inflatable hands and passengers of the foot and horn trumpets that tootle, oh my, lest there be disrespect inferred or implied.
"If he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigor and express by word of mouth the warning 'Hi, Hi!' Beware of the wandering horse that he shall not take fright as you pass him. Go soothingly by, or stop by the roadside till he pass away. Give a big space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
The festive dog that makes sport in the roadway. Has this concept ever been more charmingly expressed?
Finally, "Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. Press the brake of the foot as you roll around the corners to save the collapse and tie up."
We have met the skid demon and he is ours.
In the toy department, we have the "Non-Toxic Non-Edible Magic Chameleon's Tongue -- Wild Animated Tongue Will Shock You Greatly!"
What is it about this tongue? "The product has stickiness, it can be stretched like soft rubber and will stick to things like stick-fast glue. It is a game to play with sticking things from far away."
Some fun, this sticking things from far away. But there are cautions: "Do not throw toward head or face of person. Do not throw toward or put near the fire place. Though not toxic, it is forbidden to eat. Do not overstretch the tongue of the Chameleon, otherwise, it will go off."
Not your cup of tea? How about the Super Skiing Penguins? "Dear Customer: As a cleanly creature, penguins may get ill and refuse to ski when constant operations cause dust. Take care of your cute friends as below and you would share the incredible joy of their race. ... Penguins will become crippled when forced to ski on the floor."
As who would not?
Finally, we have this marvelous brief biography of the composer Vincenzo Bellini from the liner notes of a record album produced in Italy:
"Bellini was born in Catane in 1801. Old of 18, he is admeted to the College of St-Sebastien in Naples. His first Oper 'Adelson e Salvini' written in 1825 is the beginning of his career. Chopin and Wagner admired him. We see badly that master of the Bel Canto writting a concerto for hautboy and here is a work with a big beauty. Through these melodies and his joice for life, this work written by a young men of 20 years old, take immediately the adhesion."
A work with a big beauty taking the adhesion. One is almost embarrassed to watch. You don't suppose that joice is ... James?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Carroll is on vacation; his column will return. This Carroll Classic, "Odd prose III: the nighthorse continues,'' was originally published on April 21, 1987.
