Feral

[GabrielDaemon]

[size=+1]Feral[/size] is a new series in the nonhuman category, revolving around a psychology intern and a rather disturbing and interesting patient.

This will be a long-running series, and I welcome any observations, comments or criticisms about it.

(Oh, and just so there's no confusion later on, I have been posting stories on lit for the last two years under the name of slyc_willie)

 

[manyeyedhydra]

It certainly starts with a bang. I don't know how you're going to maintain the pace after that start

The writing is slick and fast moving, perfect for this kind of story.

The sequence with Kris in the institution is a little too similar to Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs for me though. You've got the pretty and brilliant female student, a semen hurling patient and a conversation with a cannibal with a highly developed sense of smell. I'm guessing this was probably deliberate, but it might look bad if you want to take this somewhere beyond Lit.

Also, did you mean for Devilbliss to call the serial masturbator 'Jerkins' instead of 'Jenkins'? I couldn't work out if it was a typo, a slip from the character or a joke from the character.

I thought that maybe there were too many characters introduced in the first chapter, with a danger of too much going on. This is probably forced for a site like Lit though. If you don't grab people's attention fast they don't bother with chapter 2.

I like a bit of blood and guts though and there was plenty of that! Look forward to seeing where this one goes, although I suspect it may steer down the predictable route of putting Kris between the worthy but dull Dale and the exciting but dangerous Sonny.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

It certainly starts with a bang. I don't know how you're going to maintain the pace after that start

The writing is slick and fast moving, perfect for this kind of story.

The sequence with Kris in the institution is a little too similar to Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs for me though. You've got the pretty and brilliant female student, a semen hurling patient and a conversation with a cannibal with a highly developed sense of smell. I'm guessing this was probably deliberate, but it might look bad if you want to take this somewhere beyond Lit.

Also, did you mean for Devilbliss to call the serial masturbator 'Jerkins' instead of 'Jenkins'? I couldn't work out if it was a typo, a slip from the character or a joke from the character.

I thought that maybe there were too many characters introduced in the first chapter, with a danger of too much going on. This is probably forced for a site like Lit though. If you don't grab people's attention fast they don't bother with chapter 2.

I like a bit of blood and guts though and there was plenty of that! Look forward to seeing where this one goes, although I suspect it may steer down the predictable route of putting Kris between the worthy but dull Dale and the exciting but dangerous Sonny.

Funny, I hadn't really thought of the comparisons between Miggs/Hannibal and Jenkins/Sonny. Suppose I could change some of that, since I do plan on publishing this. Thanks for the notice.

The name is Jenkins. I'll have to go back and see where (and try to figure out why) I made the typo.

I would agree with you about introducing too many characters. Not everyone introduced in the first chapter is recurring. Dale, for instance, was just a bit of comic relief. There will definitely be no interaction between he and Kris. Sonny, on the other hand . . .

Regarding blood and guts, there's quite a bit more to come.

Thanks for your comments.

 

[percept]

Going by the discussions in this forums, I think we should open a Channel solely dedicated to Erotica and call it Erotic TV.....hows that????

 

[GabrielDaemon]

Chapter Two just posted. I like to think this chapter delves a bit more into the nonhuman aspects of the story, at least through hints and foreshadowing.

Comments?

 

[starrkers]

Just read Ch 1. Saw the first post on this thread and went to the story before reading any comments.

I agree with manyeyedhydra on the similarities with Silence of the Lambs. It struck me straight away as I read it.

Also something that tripped me was the double use of the word "venerable" to describe both Dale and Kris's vehicles. That jarred with me. One of them may be venerable, but the other should just be a shit box.

I found the introductory section with Dr Parelli "clunky". I can't really put it better than that. Maybe I just read too much horror, but I knew he wasn't going to survive the scene.

Enough nit-picking. I enjoyed it and look forward to reading Ch 2 (hopefully tomorrow).

 

[ellynei]

Wow

just read first lit page of chapter 01.

Wow.

You make me sorry I have to leave comp now

Wanted to stay and read rest at once ;,(

No fair

At least it will still be there for me later, or tomorrow I hope.

Damn good start!

 

[GabrielDaemon]

Damn Internet . . .

My connection was down for a few days. Sorry I couldn't respond to the replies.

You make some good points, Starr. Noticed a few things I had forgotten to correct. Hopefully, however, once the third chapter comes out, the comparisons between Silence of the Lambs and Feral will disappear.

Thanks, Elly, for both the comments here and on the chapters. The third and fourth are already done, so I'll be posting them soon.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

Chapter Three

[size=+1]Chapter Three[/size] has posted. I'd appreciate any comments and critiques anyone may have.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

Bump

Mainly just wanted to bump, but at the same time ask for honest critique and criticism once more. Four chapters are now out, with a fifth in queue.

Please, tell me what you think. I want to craft a real, 'serious' story with this one, and the more feedback I get (even the most vitriolicly negative), the better.

(yes, I know; 'vitriolicly' isn't a word.)

 

[starrkers]

In the middle of Ch 3. now, just taking a break to make the observation that you may want to go hunting and exterminate a few of the adverbs in this one. Particularly rife in the section where the three bikers go to Lobo's Pool Hall (I'm still reading, just past that point now).

 

[GabrielDaemon]

In the middle of Ch 3. now, just taking a break to make the observation that you may want to go hunting and exterminate a few of the adverbs in this one. Particularly rife in the section where the three bikers go to Lobo's Pool Hall (I'm still reading, just past that point now).

I freely admit I get more than a little carried away in my descriptive writing, especially when I post first drafts. I normally edit, then re-edit, before I post my stories, but I decided to forego that in favor of constructive feedback.

You know I always value your opinion, Starr.

 

[starrkers]

OK, I've finished Ch 3. I will need to re-read it to get a proper feel for it - interrupted by homecoming children et al.

Two typo type things I noticed - you once used break instead of brake (Kris in her car) and the girl at the end is referred to consistently as "blond" which should be "blonde".

Oh, and in Parelli's apartment you used the phrase "the lightning flashed and the thunder roared" which immediately brought a particularly sorry song into my mind (Don't Pay the Ferryman) but that just be my weird mind at work.



God I'm nitpicking here. I really do like this one. A lot.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

OK, I've finished Ch 3. I will need to re-read it to get a proper feel for it - interrupted by homecoming children et al.

Two typo type things I noticed - you once used break instead of brake (Kris in her car) and the girl at the end is referred to consistently as "blond" which should be "blonde".

Oh, and in Parelli's apartment you used the phrase "the lightning flashed and the thunder roared" which immediately brought a particularly sorry song into my mind (Don't Pay the Ferryman) but that just be my weird mind at work.



God I'm nitpicking here. I really do like this one. A lot.

"Don't Pay the Ferryman." *snerk*

As far as "blond" vs. "blonde" goes, prefer the second as well. However, my copy of OpenOffice refuses to let me type "blonde." Even changing the autocorrect function hasn't helped. I'm not going to worry about it, though; when the entire story is finished, I'll do a manual 'replace all' and fix it.

 

[Elianna]

"Don't Pay the Ferryman." *snerk*

As far as "blond" vs. "blonde" goes, prefer the second as well. However, my copy of OpenOffice refuses to let me type "blonde." Even changing the autocorrect function hasn't helped. I'm not going to worry about it, though; when the entire story is finished, I'll do a manual 'replace all' and fix it.

I seem to remember scanning through threads and there was a rather heated debate about whether to use blond or blonde. Don't remember if anyone drew a conclusion, though.

I think that what I noticed most was the "dark" tone to the story. I think it's a good thing- I like feeling things for characters and atmosphere when I read. It almost comes across to me as erotic horror, but I'm not much of a horror reader, so anything a little violent and dark gives me the shivers.

 

[starrkers]

blond is masculine, blonde is feminine.


Somehow the use of "blond" always makes me think of Sven the ski instructor or masseur...stupid stereotypical Norse hunk with big muscles and no brains.
I tend to go with "fair" for men unless I specifically mean a stereotypical Norse hunk ...

But I am a tad odd at times

 

[geronimo_appleby]

blond is masculine, blonde is feminine.

Somehow the use of "blond" always makes me think of Sven the ski instructor or masseur...stupid stereotypical Norse hunk with big muscles and no brains.
I tend to go with "fair" for men unless I specifically mean a stereotypical Norse hunk ...

But I am a tad odd at times

now that i never knew. thanks for that little nugget of info.

 

[Curse_Of_Undeath]

I just finished Part One and I have to say it's off to a great start. And the subconcious allusions to Silence of the Lambs, whether it was intended or not, didn't detract from it. In fact, it made it better for me.

Anyways, all this talk about devoured flesh made me hungry.

I'll get back to you with my feedback on the rest.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

now that i never knew. thanks for that little nugget of info.

Thanks from me as well. I'll have to look into that.

I just finished Part One and I have to say it's off to a great start. And the subconcious allusions to Silence of the Lambs, whether it was intended or not, didn't detract from it. In fact, it made it better for me.

Anyways, all this talk about devoured flesh made me hungry.

I'll get back to you with my feedback on the rest.

I appreciate it, and your comment.

It seems Feral is attracting criticism across the board, which was what I hoped for. A reader whio recently left a PC complained about my inclusion of too many characters, and not enough revelation of detail. In their words, "I hate being as confused as Kris."

I can understand that. I struggled with wether or not to write the entire story in 3rd person omni or to only reveal the details that would be pertinent to the main character of each scene. I opted for the latter. It's a question of wether or not to include the reader as a character, or as a companion to the narrator.

It's a tactic not every reader will enjoy, I admit. However, judging from the responses so far, most seem to like how I've been handling the story.

Still, I take all comments to heart.

 

[GabrielDaemon]

Still hoping for some honesty criticism and feedback concerning this series. I've listened to some comments and critiques from several readers, but I would really like to know more about how Feral is being received.

Chapter Six has just been posted; look for it in a few days or so, if you wish. Both public and private feedback is appreciated.