Femdom and just about the money?

[surferjake]

So, On other sites I regularly repost videos and whatnot related to pegging, and other sub-leaning things. Generally, I feel I'm more of a switch. And yes, married and all that, but my wife is super vanilla. I have over time started receiving emails from 'doms' looking for subs to play with, and I'm upfront about me being 'not completely' subbie, and my general situation.

It always ends up, anywhere from a day to a week, where the dom suddenly starts requesting a 'tribute' and some form of payment. Some are outright scams, obviously - asking to install a pay app, and send them the login information was the most blatant.

But I guess my main question is - does every dom request a tribute to 'prove' anything? Or is anyone that does so just a high priced worker and/or scammer? I tried it once, the 'one time fee' and within a week, she was demanding more 'tribute' - and didn't pay much attention to anything else.

Of course, everything is online now because of covid - and I don't want to participate in a D/s kind of play unless she is actually getting her kicks out of the whole thing - I mean, her pleasure is supposed to be one of the main drivers, right? And is one of the main turn ons for me, anyway.

But, ok, if there is some 'pro dom' fee to be paid.. is it really just once? Then back to mutual pleasure, or are they all basically a pay, pay pay cycle? The couple threads I have found here have the indication that they tend to just drain someone's wallet, and that is the main focus - not the mutual relationship.

I mean, yeah, sub guys are a penny a dozen.. and if they aren't single, well, we're a bunch of nihilistic, selfish cheaters that aren't good long term relationship material anyway. But you'd think there'd be women in the opposite situation that want to experience being the dominant on the side.

Sorry, flood of questions that are probably self-evident.

 

[Justplatonic]

So, On other sites I regularly repost videos and whatnot related to pegging, and other sub-leaning things. Generally, I feel I'm more of a switch. And yes, married and all that, but my wife is super vanilla. I have over time started receiving emails from 'doms' looking for subs to play with, and I'm upfront about me being 'not completely' subbie, and my general situation.

It always ends up, anywhere from a day to a week, where the dom suddenly starts requesting a 'tribute' and some form of payment. Some are outright scams, obviously - asking to install a pay app, and send them the login information was the most blatant.

But I guess my main question is - does every dom request a tribute to 'prove' anything? Or is anyone that does so just a high priced worker and/or scammer? I tried it once, the 'one time fee' and within a week, she was demanding more 'tribute' - and didn't pay much attention to anything else.

Of course, everything is online now because of covid - and I don't want to participate in a D/s kind of play unless she is actually getting her kicks out of the whole thing - I mean, her pleasure is supposed to be one of the main drivers, right? And is one of the main turn ons for me, anyway.

But, ok, if there is some 'pro dom' fee to be paid.. is it really just once? Then back to mutual pleasure, or are they all basically a pay, pay pay cycle? The couple threads I have found here have the indication that they tend to just drain someone's wallet, and that is the main focus - not the mutual relationship.

I mean, yeah, sub guys are a penny a dozen.. and if they aren't single, well, we're a bunch of nihilistic, selfish cheaters that aren't good long term relationship material anyway. But you'd think there'd be women in the opposite situation that want to experience being the dominant on the side.

Sorry, flood of questions that are probably self-evident.

My beautiful wife is vanilla, and though our marriage is FLR (which I really like) as she is dominant at times, she is not in the least bit kinky. We've recently had a tough conversation as we've been together for many years, and the latest status quo is we're still both different that way.

I know I love her a great deal, and I guess its whether I choose to neglect my sub side, or do otherwise. So this is where I ask you this question; What do you really want?

For example, I want to remain loyal to my wife, and be with her, despite at a personal cost. I know they'll be detractors, and I cannot disagree with any of them, but that's how much I love my wife.

IMHO, you need to make a solid choice at home first. Stay with your wife, or leave (I presume those are your choices, as you've not mentioned you had an open marriage). Easier said than done, but you have to make your peace there, whatever your choice.

If you leave, only then can you truly venture out. To have the conviction to find a true Dom who'll accept you for who you are, and have a proper relationship with her. At least then, she'll have your interests at heart, not on your wallet.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm not dominant but I have a few dominant female friends who pretty much say the same thing about trying to find compatible submissive males to top.

Which is, the men they meet are fairly high maintenance - maybe needy is a better word? Generally men are out to get their needs met and think a lot about what they want and not what the dominant wants.

So for these women, who put a lot of time in to their kink, be it learning how to throw a whip, what parts of the body are best to avoid when using certain implements, how to successfully negotiate a scene, getting to know the sub in order to provide a great scene, end up feeling like they do all the work.

The sub gets off (or doesn't) and what has the submissive provided for the dominant??

Often times, my friends don't necessarily want sex. They just enjoy topping someone they've gotten to know. They enjoy the connection. But that in itself is a process.

So sometimes it does become a quid pro quo. One friend seeks out service submissives and uses that to her advantage. She has a really clean house. Another friend met a submissive with a foot fetish so she'd get a few friends together and we'd get great foot massages. He ended up enjoying her topping skills.

Certainly financial domination has become more common and full of scams but I know it's possible to find someone.

Beyond thinking about what you bring to the table, where are you looking? I mean here on Lit, people have connected just by being active in the chat threads. Like, you know, actually talking to people. Same with a site like Fet Life. I met my first dominant on a bdsm site in their "fun and games" thread.

Not sure I helped in any way. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

 

[PaxNurgle]

My cynical take on all of this stems from personal experience, so take it as you will.

Your situation, being married, is quite different than mine; you have a full time life partner, I do not, and at this point in life I would be more than willing to trade places with you; that is, settle with a "Vanilla" partner whom I love and cherish, even if it means locking my kinky/submissive side in the closet forever and throw away the key.

I had an experience with a professional domme. It was fulfilling and exciting and all those things I wished it to be- at first. But I quickly realized, after a few sessions, that in spite of her willingness to indulge my kinks, she really had only one real fetish; and that was money. She was a pro, and approached it just as any line of work, I was nothing more than a client and a cash cow, there could not be any real intimacy, and I suppose I can't really blame her for that. But after a while it certainly did take a lot (and eventually MOST) of the kinky excitement away. In addition to the session tributes, which added up real quick, there came more and more requests for expensive gifts: $500 trips to the make-up counter, purses, expensive clothing, designer eye glasses, and even a $2000 Mac book- which ended up being the last straw. I must have spent over, well I'd honestly rather not say- over the six months I was seeing her. I had to break it off.

Although it was not an outright scam, as after all, I did get to "Play" after I "Paid," the whole experience soured me on the idea of seeing a professional dominant. I'd rather be like you- in a committed long term relationship, with or without kink, at this point. If you are seeking something like a short fling just for the experience, then that is fine, I don't want to discourage you but be aware of what pro domination really is- it is not about her "kinks" rather it is about your money. And I apologize for sounding cynical here.

 

[surferjake]

Totally understood. I wasn't *looking * for a dom, but continue to be contacted by those saying they are looking for a sub to play with. All my forays down that came from my basic personality that looks to please - they seemed to just be looking for what cookiecat said; "They just enjoy topping someone they've gotten to know. They enjoy the connection."

Which is a weakness for me, so I responded. Then they immediately began with what you described in means of tribute payments. Which I then backed away from because, as you say, that kind of sours the whole plot.

And again, I was more curious if that was 'the norm', not having done that before, and if there really were women out there more interested in the kind of friend cookiecat spoke of.

It wasn't me going out and seeking, and I only responded to a couple out of my own weakness. I am very happy where I am, but there is a large itch to scratch when opened - I have kept that bit contained and had only been indulging myself by myself - but when someone of like mind stokes the flames... And some of course is out of satisfying my own pleasure, but for me it's more knowing the enjoyment of her from what I was able to provide for her. (which in itself still is looking out to get my needs met in a way)

Anyway - all good input - thank you, Litsters. Basically - most doms that solicit you likely are after the financial side (kind of the reverse baby girl) versus just looking to get their kink (and emotional side) met.

My cynical take on all of this stems from personal experience, so take it as you will.

Your situation, being married, is quite different than mine; you have a full time life partner, I do not, and at this point in life I would be more than willing to trade places with you; that is, settle with a "Vanilla" partner whom I love and cherish, even if it means locking my kinky/submissive side in the closet forever and throw away the key.

I had an experience with a professional domme. It was fulfilling and exciting and all those things I wished it to be- at first. But I quickly realized, after a few sessions, that in spite of her willingness to indulge my kinks, she really had only one real fetish; and that was money. She was a pro, and approached it just as any line of work, I was nothing more than a client and a cash cow, there could not be any real intimacy, and I suppose I can't really blame her for that. But after a while it certainly did take a lot (and eventually MOST) of the kinky excitement away. In addition to the session tributes, which added up real quick, there came more and more requests for expensive gifts: $500 trips to the make-up counter, purses, expensive clothing, designer eye glasses, and even a $2000 Mac book- which ended up being the last straw. I must have spent over, well I'd honestly rather not say- over the six months I was seeing her. I had to break it off.

Although it was not an outright scam, as after all, I did get to "Play" after I "Paid," the whole experience soured me on the idea of seeing a professional dominant. I'd rather be like you- in a committed long term relationship, with or without kink, at this point. If you are seeking something like a short fling just for the experience, then that is fine, I don't want to discourage you but be aware of what pro domination really is- it is not about her "kinks" rather it is about your money. And I apologize for sounding cynical here.

 

[Justplatonic]

Totally understood. I wasn't *looking * for a dom, but continue to be contacted by those saying they are looking for a sub to play with. All my forays down that came from my basic personality that looks to please - they seemed to just be looking for what cookiecat said; "They just enjoy topping someone they've gotten to know. They enjoy the connection."

Which is a weakness for me, so I responded. Then they immediately began with what you described in means of tribute payments. Which I then backed away from because, as you say, that kind of sours the whole plot.

And again, I was more curious if that was 'the norm', not having done that before, and if there really were women out there more interested in the kind of friend cookiecat spoke of.

It wasn't me going out and seeking, and I only responded to a couple out of my own weakness. I am very happy where I am, but there is a large itch to scratch when opened - I have kept that bit contained and had only been indulging myself by myself - but when someone of like mind stokes the flames... And some of course is out of satisfying my own pleasure, but for me it's more knowing the enjoyment of her from what I was able to provide for her. (which in itself still is looking out to get my needs met in a way)

Anyway - all good input - thank you, Litsters. Basically - most doms that solicit you likely are after the financial side (kind of the reverse baby girl) versus just looking to get their kink (and emotional side) met.

Sorry if I'm being somewhat outspoken surferjake; but I feel your views of Doms is misleading with all due respect.

I completely understand the pornographic representation of Doms is alluring, but the truth is that industry is designed primarily for male consumption and instant gratification. Reality is significantly different, especially in the 24/7.

Most Doms are real women, with feelings and emotions, just as real as any other women out there in the vanilla republic. Their kink, a sub's kink (or both) I think you'll probably find, isn't the only reason why they'd want to be with someone (if they wanted to). Beyond kink, they're looking for the same things any vanilla woman is. Hence, the fact they can be kinky, doesn't in least bit detract from their humanity.

 

[surferjake]

I understand that.. What I was noting is that there is a layer of women who, through the 'image' of doms, look to profit off the male consumption desire and aren't really interested in the feelings and emotions.

Not judging on that at all, as there is obviously a market for it. But distinctly different from those that are real women just looking for someone to share time and their emotion with, albeit with someone accepting and complimentary to their kink.

I was not stating "my views" correspond with the pornographic representation.. just that my sudden and recent interactions all took on a certain quality that conflicted with what you say "most doms" are like (and for the record, my views aligned with your description of "most doms") prior to this. I was curious about how my recent experiences were so different from that belief.

Sorry if I'm being somewhat outspoken surferjake; but I feel your views of Doms is misleading with all due respect.

I completely understand the pornographic representation of Doms is alluring, but the truth is that industry is designed primarily for male consumption and instant gratification. Reality is significantly different, especially in the 24/7.

Most Doms are real women, with feelings and emotions, just as real as any other women out there in the vanilla republic. Their kink, a sub's kink (or both) I think you'll probably find, isn't the only reason why they'd want to be with someone (if they wanted to). Beyond kink, they're looking for the same things any vanilla woman is. Hence, the fact they can be kinky, doesn't in least bit detract from their humanity.

 

[Justplatonic]

I understand that.. What I was noting is that there is a layer of women who, through the 'image' of doms, look to profit off the male consumption desire and aren't really interested in the feelings and emotions.

Not judging on that at all, as there is obviously a market for it. But distinctly different from those that are real women just looking for someone to share time and their emotion with, albeit with someone accepting and complimentary to their kink.

I was not stating "my views" correspond with the pornographic representation.. just that my sudden and recent interactions all took on a certain quality that conflicted with what you say "most doms" are like (and for the record, my views aligned with your description of "most doms") prior to this. I was curious about how my recent experiences were so different from that belief.

I value your points, and thanks for the detail. I appreciate your situation, having a kinky side, and it being itchy sometimes.

My vanilla wife, though I love her very much, is 100% vanilla. No two ways about it. She really has no desire for me to articulate my kinky feelings, thoughts or views. I didn't know this at first when we courted, even several years after marriage (to be fair its only recently I realized I'm of a sub mentality, although I've always been kinky!), but I know now. However, its not a deal breaker.

I know it seems like little consolation, but don't underestimate the BDSM Talk/Cafe and Fetish & Sexuality Central subsections. They've helped me to express so much of my kinky side (my wife knows/accepts I'm a member here and I post comments). I'd echo cookiecat's point about being more active on the threads here too. You may find it cathartic like I do?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Financial Domination does seem to be trending right now. I would be highly suspect that anyone who seeks you out and then asks for payments and gifts without the two of you coming to an agreement first. Like any other behavior, it must be sane, safe, and consensual. I’m bothered at the idea that they just assume you (specifically you and generic “you” for others in the same situation) will spend that money for her services. If that’s not you’re kink too or what you’re looking for, it’s totally not okay.

I know it’s harder for a man to find a Domme, so I bet it’s easy to fall into these situations. And you weren’t even looking, they solicited you. I don’t like this at all.

 

[surferjake]

"And you weren’t even looking, they solicited you." Yeah, that was the thing. Totally threw me until I kind of figured it out, and why I posted here to get more clarity. Was nowhere in the area of doing something like that.

Financial Domination does seem to be trending right now. I would be highly suspect that anyone who seeks you out and then asks for payments and gifts without the two of you coming to an agreement first. Like any other behavior, it must be sane, safe, and consensual. I’m bothered at the idea that they just assume you (specifically you and generic “you” for others in the same situation) will spend that money for her services. If that’s not you’re kink too or what you’re looking for, it’s totally not okay.

I know it’s harder for a man to find a Domme, so I bet it’s easy to fall into these situations. And you weren’t even looking, they solicited you. I don’t like this at all.

 

[PaxNurgle]

And, the fact that they asked for tribute BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY MET IN PERSON. It's one thing, when dealing with a professional, to agree on a price ahead of time. You agree to a certain time and hourly rate. Then, you agree to meet face to face, and when you do meet Her, you pay Her the tribute, that's how it works. Many pro dommes- the respectable ones anyway- will actually propose a meet and greet first, to discuss interests, limits, experience, and expectations, before doing any kind of scene play.

On the other hand, If they are asking you to send or wire money BEFORE any kind of face to face meeting takes place- as in, you don't even get to meet her in person until after you have wired her or sent her the dough- then; red flag warning. In that case you will be unlikely to ever actually see her, or your money, again.

 

[Justplatonic]

I feel I owe an apology surferjake. I saw similarities between us and made assumptions about you for which I'm sorry.

Cheers.

 

[surferjake]

Not at all, not at all.

This medium is difficult to express everything, especially inflection and intent. Or everything you want to express. So, a little back and forth is needed to figure things out.

I feel I owe an apology surferjake. I saw similarities between us and made assumptions about you for which I'm sorry.

Cheers.

 

[Justplatonic]

Not at all, not at all.

This medium is difficult to express everything, especially inflection and intent. Or everything you want to express. So, a little back and forth is needed to figure things out.

Thanks, that's very kind of you to say.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

Sorry if I'm being somewhat outspoken surferjake; but I feel your views of Doms is misleading with all due respect.

I completely understand the pornographic representation of Doms is alluring, but the truth is that industry is designed primarily for male consumption and instant gratification. Reality is significantly different, especially in the 24/7.

Most Doms are real women, with feelings and emotions, just as real as any other women out there in the vanilla republic. Their kink, a sub's kink (or both) I think you'll probably find, isn't the only reason why they'd want to be with someone (if they wanted to). Beyond kink, they're looking for the same things any vanilla woman is. Hence, the fact they can be kinky, doesn't in least bit detract from their humanity.

Well said, Justplatonic, thank you

 

[Ginlover]

The majority of dominants, male and female, need a connection to get the Dom high. If it’s a single kink session most would consider themselves a top doing something to the bottom who is receiving. That doesn’t mean it’s not mutually pleasurable — think of a sadist enjoying playing with a masochist. I know hetro sadist men who really enjoy topping another man. It’s not sexual it’s purely an energy exchange.

It is not uncommon for a pro Domme to be sub or even vanilla in their personal relationships, but they are good at taking the dominant role and can enjoy seeing their service domination being enjoyed by the client.

Speaking to dommes and reading their personal writings on places like Fet, without the connection with a sub they don’t get much pleasure from an interaction. Knowing the other person has a primary partner, who might not know about the paid for kink play and knowing that means there is no long term genuine relationship going to happen, the authority exchange is less meaningful. That leads itself to a market of pay for play.

To have a mutually beneficial power exchange the dominant will want a relationship — even if it’s just friendship — outside of a scene.

IMHO any unsolicited messages sent offering a paid for service is unlikely to be sent by someone who wants connection and mutual sexual satisfaction. But there are many dominant women who do want a mutual authority exchange, they just don’t go around cold messaging men and asking for money as a first interaction.

 

[mugsgame]

A professional Domme may advertise in various forums but they Do Not solicit. They have enough problems trying to separate out those just seeking the fantasy from those actually willing to meet and pay. As well as dealing with stalkers and leeches of every description.

You are paying for the lady's time and expertise and can expect to pay every time you meet. In a perfect world, you might fulfill some of Her desires. Which is rare. More often it is a commercial relationship. This is not to say it cannot meet the subs needs or that the Domme does not find pleasure in the experience. If what you are seeking is not part of the Dommes' repertoire or something She is not comfortable with, She will definitely tell you to seek someone else.

Or at least back in the day, that was my experience. To anyone sending random messages, "Beware."

 

[Justplatonic]

Well said, Justplatonic, thank you

You're most welcome lady_jennaxx.

 

[pantysoaker702]

thanks for the great advise i just wish i would have been more educated before diving in head first looking for a mistress to serve

 

[sub2femdom]

But I guess my main question is - does every dom request a tribute to 'prove' anything?

NO. In fact, no true dom will ever ask for a monetary commitment. They will ask for emotional/performance based commitments, and test you on those, but those "financial doms" are 99% catfishes or gold-diggers and you should be weary of ANY request that requires any financial commitment.

An obvious exception would be if a dom requires you to buy some of the toys and accessories that will be used in physical play. No doms will want to own your accessories even though they generally 'manage' them.

Or is anyone that does so just a high priced worker and/or scammer? I tried it once, the 'one time fee' and within a week, she was demanding more 'tribute' - and didn't pay much attention to anything else.

Yeah, you got scammed. That was a learning moment.

Of course, everything is online now because of covid - and I don't want to participate in a D/s kind of play unless she is actually getting her kicks out of the whole thing - I mean, her pleasure is supposed to be one of the main drivers, right? And is one of the main turn ons for me, anyway.

We've all more or less taken a break during covid, and it sucks, but the lifestyle is ultimately geared towards healthy encounters, and everyone else in every other facet of society has also taken a break. It's at the end-game now, and if all parties are vaccinated and don't have close relatives at risk, then there's no reason not to start playing physically. Avoid those using covid as an excuse.

But, ok, if there is some 'pro dom' fee to be paid.. is it really just once? Then back to mutual pleasure, or are they all basically a pay, pay pay cycle? The couple threads I have found here have the indication that they tend to just drain someone's wallet, and that is the main focus - not the mutual relationship.

Again, yes, you are being scammed, even by a "one time" fee. Obvious exception would be professional doms who charge for their services. Those are rare and easily researched to verify authenticity.

I mean, yeah, sub guys are a penny a dozen.. and if they aren't single, well, we're a bunch of nihilistic, selfish cheaters that aren't good long term relationship material anyway. But you'd think there'd be women in the opposite situation that want to experience being the dominant on the side.

There are women like that, you just need to go to the right places to find them, and even then it's still a 10-1 ratio, so you have to be extremely forthcoming, transparent (in your desires, experiences, and skills) so that they aren't guessing at what you bring to the table.

Don't worry about the righteous cheater-shaming. There's many of us with hall passes, open relationships, etc.. so it's impossible to truly say who is being honest about their relationship status. Lots of men check a lot of red flags because they are desperate and it shows (understandably) simply because they have closeted most of their desires for so long. Be mindful of that and try to envision how a dominant woman will see you. Try to see her point of view and what she gets from you as much as what she gets from the play.

 

[njlauren]

In theory I think findom is good, because if I as a sub/slave want to submit completely or be 100% owned, then it doesn't make sense to make an exception for the money. If i'm not not giving up all my money to her, than that's not a complete submission, I'm not 100% owned in that case.

But that's just theory, because in practice, in reality, it's pretty much the way you guys described it. The dommes are most of the time just doing this for money, and for the subs of us who get off on giving pleasure/entertainment to our partner, it becomes a huge turn off realizing that they are just entertaining you with kinks so they can get your money.

But on the other hand, if I was a woman, then I would also charge money from my BDSM partners. Nothing is better than doing what you love doing, except getting paid for doing what you love doing, right? Unfortunately, getting paid as a man is extremely difficult. Only very few men are capable of achieving something like that.

So, while charging money isn't bad in theory for the two reasons I've mentioned, it leaves men with the problem of not being able to know if a domme is enjoying the relationship more than just for the money.

The arguments dommes say about them making all the effort of buying equipment and so on if valid as well. But we subs/slaves just don't know if that's an excuse or the truth. How can we know if a domme is lying and is mostly interested in money.

Anyway, I suppose this problem is just for men, because the pro dommes still get a steady stream of new clients regardless.

Another problem I have with pro dommes is how its arranged. You just contact the domme, transfer money for a session, then you meet her at the booked appointment, have a session, then go home. It just feels weird. At least I need to connect more with the domme, get to know them and like them, and I want it to feel like its not just a business arrangement. And the whole concept of paying someone to use/top you seems a little... funny. Imagine how nice it would be if female hookers had to pay the men money for them to have sex with you, it's like the world just turned upside down.

Yet another issue I have with pro dommes is that they are taken already. It bothers me quite a lot thinking about her being with her boyfriend/husband. I guess it's a bit like cuckolding, and I'm not sure what I think about that kink, it depends on the dynamic I guess, and because there are many different ways of cuckolding.

I've also seen that quite many pro dommes are actually submissive in their relationship, aka to their husband. So at home/in life they're sub, but then they are domme when it's for money. And I become worried that it's the husband who's controlling her and pulling her strings. How do I know that I'm not talking to her husband online and the he sends his sub wife to the booked session?

Maybe pro dommes just aren't for me then, and I should look for a real relationship. But we already know how unbalanced the ratio of submissive men to dominant women are. Location is also an issue. I think most men need to aim for a vanilla relationship, unless you are above average, and by that I'm not talking about exclusively how handsome you are or how much money you have, it's more than that. If you want to have a fair chance at finding a domme to enter a relationship with, you'll need to be physically healthy, healthy diet, happy to be alive, happy to work full time, at least an average sized cock that works well (no problem getting it up or premature ejaculation, etc), dress well so your partner doesn't need to be embaressed to introduce you to friends and family, have hobbies/passions (computer games and netflix doesn't count unfortunately). If you can check off all those, then you'll probably be able to find a domme. Btw, what I said about the cock isn't always true, there are of course dommes who like small cocks and premature ejaculations, but I think in most cases, they'll prefer an average functional cock.

What is being described is the difference between commercial BD/SM and real life/lifestyle. In the commercial world even if you establish a relationship with a domme who is in private practice or at a house, even if you become friendly, or explore things with her it is still a commercial transaction. Even if you are serving her or feel you are, on their part it really is them fulfilling your wants/desires/needs, even if you say "I want to fulfill your wishes'. There is nothing wrong with that, I learned about myself with pro dommes many years ago, learned about new areas of play as a sub, and through a lifestyle pro domme (someone in her personal life who is dominant with personal subs/slaves), who became a friend later on without the professional relationship, a mentor so to speak.

Still it is different. When someone is dominant it really is no different than a vanilla relationship, in that she is looking for a true partner, who mirrors her in a sense, where there is give an take. She wants to feel the person they are with is submissive to them and is looking for mutually satisfying,/enjoyable/beneficial relationship (and ever relationship is different),. there has to mutual respect and or love there. The dominant may do things that the sub likes that aren't particularly her thing because they want them fullfilled, a sub may do things a domme requests they may not particularly like because it truly pleases them. A dominant to me (and just my opinion) wants to be respected and cherished by their sub (and how this plays out is unique to every relationship), the sub wants to feel like the dominant really likes and respects their turning power over to them.

Lifestyle is different because of the emotional level, a person who sees a pro domme may feel like they are attached to her, but it is very different, she likely is not attached that way. She may be fond of a sub, like playing with them,but emotionally they are going to have to have a barrier there because it is commercial in nature. I have seen pro domme/sub relationships turn into a lifestyle one but when that happens it moves outside the commercial sphere.

Someone who is asking if you are sub and talking money is either a scam artist trying to extract money from someone or is a pro domme looking for new clients (though I would be a large percent are scams). Most pro dommes I have known don't troll message boards and the like for potential clients, clients usually come to them through advertising and word of mouth and the like.

 

[njlauren]

I value your points, and thanks for the detail. I appreciate your situation, having a kinky side, and it being itchy sometimes.

My vanilla wife, though I love her very much, is 100% vanilla. No two ways about it. She really has no desire for me to articulate my kinky feelings, thoughts or views. I didn't know this at first when we courted, even several years after marriage (to be fair its only recently I realized I'm of a sub mentality, although I've always been kinky!), but I know now. However, its not a deal breaker.

I know it seems like little consolation, but don't underestimate the BDSM Talk/Cafe and Fetish & Sexuality Central subsections. They've helped me to express so much of my kinky side (my wife knows/accepts I'm a member here and I post comments). I'd echo cookiecat's point about being more active on the threads here too. You may find it cathartic like I do?

Justplatonic-
Don't ever let anyone give you shit because you love your wife and want to keep that relationship, even though you are kinky and she isn't. Your relationship is unique to you and unless someone is being abused or hurt, no one else has the right to comment on it. Love is a powerful thing and people make all kinds of sacrifices, I made a huge one myself for my family (and yes took shit for it, so I know what you mean). It would be like someone telling your wife she should be kinky because you are or divorce you because you are kinky.

There used to be some pretty good books written in the kink community (going to show my age when I mention them) by people like Dossie Easton and Lady Greene and the like, about dealing with a partner who is non kinky and ways to make it work. You can't force anyone to be what they are not, but others have run into this and they might have some ideas to try that may work (or not)...


but in the end your relationship is yours, and people that would judge that are fucking morons, quite honestly. "what did you expect, these are simple people, people of the earth...you know, morons." -Gene Wilder aka The Cisco Kid talking to Cleavon Little ie Sherriff Bart in Blazing Saddles

 

[Primalex]

9 out of 10 dominatrices online are not dominatrices within the constraints of a BDSM context at this time. Expecting them to act like a professional dominatrix is expecting that the rapist honors a safeword.

 

[lilcuriouscatt]

Well, this has been a very interesting thread. Lots of good opinions and advice.
Here's mine.

In over forty years of being a dominant I have never expected a sub to give me money. In fact, I have had to set very strict guidelines on all gifts, such as my birthday, Christmas, etc.

I do expect the sub to purchase specific toys/equipment that pertains to his particular needs. When the relationship ends, those are his to keep.

For me, there has to be a certain level of attraction, similar to looking for any intimate partner. I always expect the relationship to be a long one and compatibility is important.

And please remember- everyone is different and the way they choose to connect with others is their business.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

So, On other sites I regularly repost videos and whatnot related to pegging, and other sub-leaning things. Generally, I feel I'm more of a switch. And yes, married and all that, but my wife is super vanilla. I have over time started receiving emails from 'doms' looking for subs to play with, and I'm upfront about me being 'not completely' subbie, and my general situation.

It always ends up, anywhere from a day to a week, where the dom suddenly starts requesting a 'tribute' and some form of payment. Some are outright scams, obviously - asking to install a pay app, and send them the login information was the most blatant.

But I guess my main question is - does every dom request a tribute to 'prove' anything? Or is anyone that does so just a high priced worker and/or scammer? I tried it once, the 'one time fee' and within a week, she was demanding more 'tribute' - and didn't pay much attention to anything else.

Of course, everything is online now because of covid - and I don't want to participate in a D/s kind of play unless she is actually getting her kicks out of the whole thing - I mean, her pleasure is supposed to be one of the main drivers, right? And is one of the main turn ons for me, anyway.

But, ok, if there is some 'pro dom' fee to be paid.. is it really just once? Then back to mutual pleasure, or are they all basically a pay, pay pay cycle? The couple threads I have found here have the indication that they tend to just drain someone's wallet, and that is the main focus - not the mutual relationship.

I mean, yeah, sub guys are a penny a dozen.. and if they aren't single, well, we're a bunch of nihilistic, selfish cheaters that aren't good long term relationship material anyway. But you'd think there'd be women in the opposite situation that want to experience being the dominant on the side.

Sorry, flood of questions that are probably self-evident.

If I can chime in.
If you really want to find a FemDom. There’s a site Fetlife. It’s like a kinky Facebook. Try looking up munch in your area. It might take a little time finding a good FemDom.
That said. I’m probably going to piss off A LOT of people in a second.
There’s NO reason to see a pro dom. On many sites. I don’t know about this one.
Pro doms are considered paid subs, high paid workers “ hoe”. Paid subs cause they are paid to cater to your fetishes.
A FemDom takes your hard limits and works around them. Leading/ guiding you through your journey.
Let’s be honest. And I’ve heard this from a number of Pro doms.
My friend told me I can make a ton of money. Told me how much they make. So I got into charging guys to dominate them.
I got me some latex outfits cause that’s what lotta guys want. Now I’m making hundreds doing these guys.
I’m going to say it. Did they ever seek a mentor? No. Do they ever learn how to care for a sub in aftercare? No. Cause when they’re done playing. They’re out the door.
Brother. Save your money. Find you a good FemDom. Not some wallet leach.