Female led marriage

[Cardinal]

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years, we have two children and are both very successful in our careers. Our sex life has always been "good" and we have always tried to maintain an equality in our decision making and our marriage. I think that sometimes this actually leads to fights when we both want different things.
I have been thinking that we would get along better and I would fulfil some submissive feelings if we both agreed that she would be the head of our household. I mean to formally agree to this because anyone who has been married for a while knows that the wife makes the rules anyway!
I love it when she is at work and I am left home to take care of the kids and clean the house. She really likes it when she comoes home and the house is clean and she can relax. I love giving her foot rubs every night while we watch TV together. I love pleasing my wife.
These feelings do wax and wane but they are always with me.
How do I bring this up to my wife? Would most women be accepting or turned off? I'm not a sissy just submissive, in other words I am the same man that I was I just want to serve the woman that I love.
I would appreciate advice from those with similar experiences.
Thank you,

 

[Netzach]

I so wish I could afford to keep him home.

 

[FurryFury]

I think just sharing your feelings opening but not using read flag words like submissive would probably work best. Good luck!

I do seem a LOT of marriages that seem run by the woman. I think that's because the man thinks he does enough just making the money and coming home. He lets the woman take care of social schedule, the kids, the house (for the most part) and everything else.

I suspect there are HUGE numbers of submissive males out there who are not fully aware or comfortable with looking at that side of themselves and making it a conscious part of their lives.

 

[Netzach]

I think just sharing your feelings opening but not using read flag words like submissive would probably work best. Good luck!

I do seem a LOT of marriages that seem run by the woman. I think that's because the man thinks he does enough just making the money and coming home. He lets the woman take care of social schedule, the kids, the house (for the most part) and everything else.

I suspect there are HUGE numbers of submissive males out there who are not fully aware or comfortable with looking at that side of themselves and making it a conscious part of their lives.

Which does beg the question, is the person who runs the most stuff the one in charge and is the person who runs the least stuff not in charge.

 

[FurryFury]

Which does beg the question, is the person who runs the most stuff the one in charge and is the person who runs the least stuff not in charge.

*nods*

It tends to be a chicken/egg kind of thang.

 

[LittleJade]

Which does beg the question, is the person who runs the most stuff the one in charge and is the person who runs the least stuff not in charge.

Good question.


In my home, I run the ship. Not because he's submissive and I'm dominant, necessarily, but because I'm organized, structured, and focused, and he's very easy-going, laid back, and happy-go-lucky. He and I have no D/s dynamic in our relationship. I wanted it, we tried, it doesn't work, so we've just left that part alone.

However, just because I run the home does not mean that I'm in charge. There are blue tasks and pink tasks in our home- and we keep each other on our toes, and to our duties. We are a partnership- while I keep us organized, he does other things- like keeping our electronics running. While I cook, he works a second, casual job (he's a computer technician, and does freelance work aside from his day job). While I clean the house, he's at work (he tends to work weekends). I remember that we have places to go and people to see, but he gets us there. I am structured and focused and obsessive compulsive... but he keeps me level, and calm, and happy. I'd be a nut if he weren't around... and he'd be a lazy bum if I weren't around... so we even each other out. We are a team, a unit.

And we are both in charge.

 

[myinnerslut]

id say just talk to her. you ve been married for a while, you seem to be very comfortable around her.. talking is the best otion i think.

as for most women being for or against this, every woman is different but from what you say your wife doesnt seem to be adverse to being doted on.

 

[Cardinal]

Around Her Finger

After a wonderful evening out to dinner, a little wine, and a terrific night when we got home, I found myself wanting to please and serve her even more. I got up with the children and we made mom breakfast when she came down stairs.
After a little Googling this morning I found a website dedicated to what I am looking for for us. Aroundherfinger.com
I sent her the link with the note "since you seem to enjoy daily foot rubs, clean toilets, clean laundry, and clean dishes, I thought you might like this site." We'll see how she reacts.
This site also sells a downloadable CD so I bought it and put it on her iPod so when she goes for a walk today she can listen to it.
I guess my thought is what woman wouldn't want to be served by a man that loves her?

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

After a wonderful evening out to dinner, a little wine, and a terrific night when we got home, I found myself wanting to please and serve her even more. I got up with the children and we made mom breakfast when she came down stairs.
After a little Googling this morning I found a website dedicated to what I am looking for for us. Aroundherfinger.com
I sent her the link with the note "since you seem to enjoy daily foot rubs, clean toilets, clean laundry, and clean dishes, I thought you might like this site." We'll see how she reacts.
This site also sells a downloadable CD so I bought it and put it on her iPod so when she goes for a walk today she can listen to it.
I guess my thought is what woman wouldn't want to be served by a man that loves her?

You beat me to it. I was just going to suggest Aroundherfinger.com. I hope this works out for both of you.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like you are pushing her a good bit. I would back off now and let her process this. Women hate being pressured. At least in my experience. Hell, people hate being pressured.

 

[oneguy4fun]

Just backing up what everyone else said. Communication is the key. It's a difficult subject for many people because of fear of rejection or embarassment. I know it was tough for me. I was surprised at how open my wife was open to the idea. I was open with my feelings and I suggested a few websites for my wife to look at and the rest is history. I've been in a female led relationship for a little over 2 years now and it's going great.

One note - it was not an overnight thing. It's definitely been a journey for us. It took awhile for her to get comfortable being in the dominant role. Also, are you sure a female led relationship is what you want? The things you described are part of being a great hubby and not neccesarily a FLR. In a FLR you're giving her all the power and control to make decisions. Your opinion counts but she always has the final say.

 

[Cardinal]

Flr

Thanks for all of the feedback.
Yes, I am positive that this is what I want, and if it sounds like I am pushing her I may be. I have been trying to bring this up and work toward this since about April and she has either brushed off the hints or just thinks that it's a passing phaze, which it is not.
I am probably pushing her to finally get it all out into the open so we can finally talk about it. If she will actually look over the website and listen to the CD she will know exactly why this can be win-win for us.
At first I didn't realize that this would be a journey but it sure has been, a journey that I want to finalize with my wife and I in love and me pleasing her.
There is nothing more that I want than to come home from work and begin to serve her, to make her feel like the queen that I want her to be, to feel loved, cherished, respected, and in charge.

 

[FurryFury]

And if she doesn't want the same thing? She's been avoiding it, after all.

 

[Cardinal]

And if she doesn't want the same thing? She's been avoiding it, after all.

We'll continue on like we have for the past 15 years, a Good marriage.
In the book Good to Great, author Jim Collins says that Good is the enemy of Great. Great is often never achieved because Good is, well, good enough. We have a Good marriage, we are financially sound, have two beautiful children, and we are pretty happy. If we continue to accept Good as good enough we will never have Great. I believe that in a female led relationship we can have Great.
Today we have a Good marriage and we both compromise on most decisions but one is usually not happy with the final decision, there is often a winner and a loser. In a female led relationship we can both have what we want I beleive, she gets to make the decisions and be treated like a queen, and I get to serve her. win-win?

 

[FurryFury]

We'll continue on like we have for the past 15 years, a Good marriage.
In the book Good to Great, author Jim Collins says that Good is the enemy of Great. Great is often never achieved because Good is, well, good enough. We have a Good marriage, we are financially sound, have two beautiful children, and we are pretty happy. If we continue to accept Good as good enough we will never have Great. I believe that in a female led relationship we can have Great.
Today we have a Good marriage and we both compromise on most decisions but one is usually not happy with the final decision, there is often a winner and a loser. In a female led relationship we can both have what we want I beleive, she gets to make the decisions and be treated like a queen, and I get to serve her. win-win?

It's only win/win if she is into doing it. If you have to push her into it, the chances if it succeeding or being win/win isn't as great, IMO.

BTW, I wouldn't want to be served the way you describe. Why? Because I am not of a Dominant mind set nor do I want to be.

I prefer to give at least as much as I give. Any relationship dynamic that made me feel selfish or that that wasn't happening would be a serious not win for me personally.

In a D/s relationship I do generally believe both the PYL and the pyl give and get, at least, ideally.

 

[Cardinal]

Good point. I guess after 15 years of marriage I feel that she would be open to this. I know her pretty good and I think she is naturally dominate. She is an educated strong woman who makes good decisions, so although it may seem that I am springing this on her at least I have hedged my bet.
I think that this may be natural for both of us.

 

[FurryFury]

I hope it is natural to both of you.

I very much see my husband as a strong Dom type of guy. He is that way in many aspects of his life. He simply doesn't want to be or feel he is at home.

So even though it make make sense to you, it just may not fit with your love.

Regardless I hope it works out well for you both.

 

[Cardinal]

I have been doing the things that she doesn't like doing; laundry, dishes, toilets, etc, and she keeps asking "why are you being so nice?"
So I think that is a pretty good indication that she may like the relationship dynamic. We'll see.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have been doing the things that she doesn't like doing; laundry, dishes, toilets, etc, and she keeps asking "why are you being so nice?"
So I think that is a pretty good indication that she may like the relationship dynamic. We'll see.

My husband talks about wanting to totally serve me and take care of the home, do the laundry, take care of the kids etc after he retires.

As much as I like getting my feet rubbed and my pussy licked for hours I don't want to be in charge. I don't want all the decisions to be up to me. I want an equal marriage where we share responsibilities and control.

Being served and worshipped is different than enjoying not having to do house work.

If your wife is ok with it then great, but there is a chance that it is not a win-win situation for her.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Do you also want your wife to take the lead in the bedroom? Does she do this already, maybe on occasion? I agree with others that your approach to this should be open and honest but not pressured and needy.

Some people can see wanting to be submissive as an abdication of responsibility as well as control. You may need be very clear about the fact that prefering your wife to make the decisions and lead the marriage does not mean that you're planning to become a passenger - cleaning and rubbing her feet in blissful abandon while she worries about the all important stuff. It will be important to demonstrate that you will still be a team and that she will always have your support.

Also you might want to consider how far you want to take this dynamic in the home as your children will inevitably pick up on it. Many couples with kids successfully practice D/s in their relationships but also provide strong role models for their children. Making changes to the roles you and your wife have in your marriage may leave kids a little unsettled, especially as they won't know what's really going on so if you do go ahead with this make sure you monitor their reactions and reassure them when necessary.

Good luck with your journey

 

[Netzach]

My husband talks about wanting to totally serve me and take care of the home, do the laundry, take care of the kids etc after he retires.

As much as I like getting my feet rubbed and my pussy licked for hours I don't want to be in charge. I don't want all the decisions to be up to me. I want an equal marriage where we share responsibilities and control.

Being served and worshipped is different than enjoying not having to do house work.

If your wife is ok with it then great, but there is a chance that it is not a win-win situation for her.

I love that the minute a guy thinks to do these things it's suddenly a really marked relationship model and shift. Whereas if I do them, it's just vanilla. The fact that my husband does over 50 percent of the things to be done around the house labels us weird, deeply weird.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I love that the minute a guy thinks to do these things it's suddenly a really marked relationship model and shift. Whereas if I do them, it's just vanilla. The fact that my husband does over 50 percent of the things to be done around the house labels us weird, deeply weird.

It's an interesting perceptual dynamic . I remember a time, when a girlfriend and I were visiting my parents in the country. We had finished lunch and were sitting back, relaxing at the dining table and talking to my Mom. My father stood up and started clearing the table, then proceeded to the kitchen to resolve the lunch 'mess'. I never thought twice about it. I know him, it drives me nuts and fills me with guilt to watch him do it but that's his M.O .

Interesting to me, my friend on the drive back to the City confessed that she was literally shocked by Dad's behavior in having cleared and cleaned up after lunch. The fact is, my father while not a dominant in the biblical sense is a very dominant man. He trades in power both in business and interpersonal relationships, it's the air he breathes.

Point in fact is, that on the day it was less desire that he wanted to be seen as a good host but more to the point that he wanted those dishes done and away. It was resolving things to the satisfaction of his priorities. So while on the periphery my friend ( whom is from a large patriarchal family where according to her, a man would never under any circumstance pick up a used plate etc ) assumed he was taking a 'submissive' role, he was in fact doing exactly as he pleased and retaining by his own mode, the power. Had I insisted on playing the dutiful daughter and infringed on that he would have glared at me and most likely physically intervened . In fact in remaining seated as he worked my 'role' was closer to submissive.

Something as simple as clearing a meal can in fact be the big stuff and a constant enough theme in day to day living to be a vehicle of expression in any mode it seems.

 

[Cardinal]

Okay, maybe I wasn't perfectly clear. I don't just want to do the dishes, laundry, bathrooms, etc. I just see those things as a way to please my wife.
I want to be submissive to her naturally dominant personality for many reasons; first I would enjoy it, she would enjoy it, I beleive that our marriage would be stronger, and a strong marriage is best for us and our family.
This will not be obvious to our children except that they will see their father treat their mother in a loving way and they will notice less arguing. This will also not be obvious to friends or family, just as our current relationship is none of anyone's business and we don't discuss it with anyone today.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't want to rain on your parade but you are assuming that your wife will "love" it. You don't seem to hear that there are other ways she could possibly feel about it. This concerns me because you could be setting yourself up for a big fall and your wife for a lot of pressure and frustration.

I hope it works out the way you'd like and she does love it. Just please be open to whatever it is she does feel about this, even if it's not what you want it to be.

 

[Cardinal]

I don't want to rain on your parade but you are assuming that your wife will "love" it. You don't seem to hear that there are other ways she could possibly feel about it. This concerns me because you could be setting yourself up for a big fall and your wife for a lot of pressure and frustration.

I hope it works out the way you'd like and she does love it. Just please be open to whatever it is she does feel about this, even if it's not what you want it to be.

Thanks for the imput - that is what I asked for.
If she does reject the idea it wouldn't be the first idea that she rejected! haha!