Female comment req'd for intro

[geronimo_appleby]

I would like a female view on an intro for a story. I don't particularly want to post it up here for all to see, but would appreciate a little feedback before I go any further.
My usual lady appears to be busy, otherwise I'd ask her!
IM or reply if there's anyone to help out.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Job done!