feeling sexy...

[Sunday Comes]

i'm a first time poster, and my problem is thus:

my gf has not felt "sexy" as of late. she has graduated from college in 19 years, and will graduate from grad school in another year, has a terminally ill mother, and is a chronic worrier by nature, and she feels that all her stress causes her to lose her libido. it seems quite understandable....but what confuses me is a year ago, she felt quite a bit sexier, and all these things were true then (except instead of having graduated at 19 years, she was in school, and having a lot more stressful work to do, methinks) so this doesn't seem to quite add up 100%.

anyway, how can one make a girl feel sexy? it seems as though every time we go to toronto, she feels sexy again: last time we went to a strip club, and she was very much turned on at that, and her libido seemed to return for a week or so. i've had a few thoughts but none of them seemed to work. is this something she has to work out on her own? could her bc pill be playing a large role in this? she used to be on a high estrogen pill, and switched to a low one, thinking it would help her libido, but it doesn't seem that it did. she also says she never masturbates any more, and when she was a teen, she did quite often. and i get daily assurances that it's not me.

yet i insist on torturing myself and thinking that there must be some way i can help. i masturbate twice a day many days, but it just feels so much better with her. when we do have sex, it always happens at night just before bed (spontaneity is certainly an issue here, but i'm at the mercy of her whim), and we always end up getting locked into an orgasmic clutch, and we both finish soon (her usually before me, or at the same time if i can manage that). she orgasms about 9 out of 10 times we have sex, whether i go down on her or not, and admits that the sex is very good when we actually get down to it. the problem, she says, lies in her, and in her not wanting to have sex very often.

the only other thing i can think of is what a project it is. i have no idea what other guys are like, but when i finish, i cum a LOT. she's leaked the day after we've had sex, sometimes, and can barely swallow it fast enough when she goes down on me. is this such a complication that it's a turn-off?

i seek your advice.

 

[Guest]

the pill can change a libido, however, as you say, stress is a more likely factor. The best thing to do is support her in whatever she is going through, the more pressure she feels to have sex, the less she'll want too. Also, the last to do is ask her every day if its you... all this will do is plant a seed of doubt in her mind - and you're just feeding it. Tell her you understand what she is going through, and that you'll be there for her when she needs it. Just don't keep asking her, if it doesn't turn her off, it'll eventually piss her off for sure (I have a bf who does this when I'm going thru a rough patch - it doesn't help).

This is what I think...I'm 20 and have been in a relationship with my bf for over a year...I have similar probs to your gf...

- tell her that sex isn't the most important thing, that you need her, not sex.
- occasionally suggest to give her oral sex...without it turning into sex, or a blow job. If you feel that it might be you, let her know that her needs are just as important.

If she gets turned on by strippers, you could try porn (but make sure you find out what she likes...some will only act as a turn off...rather than the other way around. or act out a fantasy of hers.

As for the cumming thing...have you thought of asking her if she hates it/likes it? That's all about preference....personally, i'd rather not have to choke on the stuff, but there are obvious alternatives even if it is a problem.

good luck : )

 

[Titania1616]

my suggestion is just to let her work through it. in the meantime, when she gets home at night after a particularly strewssful day, try giving her a slow body massage with some aromatherapy scented oils. it might feel so good she'll want to sleep instead of sex, but she'll be much more relaxed the next day, and you've shown her that love doesnt have to always be about sex and that your there for her. good luck, i hope everything works out for the two of you!

 

[DuckLover]

Ditto

Emphasizing that you still love her, sex or not, is critical. If her self-esteem is taking a hit (from "not doing her sexual duty" or some such crap) she'll be even less aroused than ever. I really like the massage idea; it's a great way to show you care. Don't even come close to pushing for sex during the massage, just focus on helping her relax and be calm. In addition to scented candles, try light music too, particularly if you can arrange all this after a solo hot bath and you having made a nice dinner.

Couple other suggestions--

1) Have her speak to her doctor. The pills she's on COULD be affecting her libido, and the doc will know and may have suggestions. The doc can also diagnose any other issues that might be contributing factors.

2) Encourage her to exercise regularly. Better yet, do so together. Not only will you both be in better shape and feel better, but it's an amazing stress reliever. Not only that, but exercise releases pleasure-causing endorphins, which often lead to arousal. (Don't push it, but do enjoy it.)

Good luck!