Feeling Frustrated

[TrainMe24]

I guess just looking for advice? Maybe to vent to people who can understand?

I feel very committed to my Dom. However, things feel bland and repetitive. I feel like I'm constantly striving for attention and approval but rarely receiving.

I've brought it up and there's renewed effort but its not sustained. I can tell their attention is divided.

Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

 

[KatieDoes]

I walked. It was the right decision, although it was painful and difficult.

You, your affection, and your submission are gifts that should be treasured.

If someone treats them as burdens, stop throwing it at them.

 

[TrainMe24]

I walked. It was the right decision, although it was painful and difficult.

You, your affection, and your submission are gifts that should be treasured.

If someone treats them as burdens, stop throwing it at them.

Ngl, that terrifies me.
I think it may be the answer. I just don't know how to come to terms with it.

I struggle with feeling as if I wasn't "good enough" and breaking away feels like solidifying it. However, staying like this cannot be the answer either.

 

[Neanderthal247]

I guess just looking for advice? Maybe to vent to people who can understand?

I feel very committed to my Dom. However, things feel bland and repetitive. I feel like I'm constantly striving for attention and approval but rarely receiving.

I've brought it up and there's renewed effort but its not sustained. I can tell their attention is divided.

Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

Sometimes we get complacent and that's a horrible thing to do. Also the connection has to go far beyond the bedroom, when there's a deeper connection and you get along on multiple levels, you won't get bored as fast.

 

[TrainMe24]

Sometimes we get complacent and that's a horrible thing to do. Also the connection has to go far beyond the bedroom, when there's a deeper connection and you get along on multiple levels, you won't get bored as fast.

We're several years (nearing a decade) in. We definitely had a deeper connection but over the past 18 months, it just hasn't been "there".

 

[KatieDoes]

Ngl, that terrifies me.
I think it may be the answer. I just don't know how to come to terms with it.

I struggle with feeling as if I wasn't "good enough" and breaking away feels like solidifying it. However, staying like this cannot be the answer either.

I’m about to log out and off for the night, but please feel free to pm me if you need help working through this. It’s not easy, and I get that. I’ll help as much as i’m able, and sometimes just having someone who hears you can be enough.



**EDIT**

This was an invitation for THE ORIGINAL POSTER to PM me if she would like to talk about this issue privately in more depth. It was absolutely not meant as an invitation for every dick swinging weirdo on Lit to offer to ‘dominate’ me.

 

[TrainMe24]

I’m about to log out and off for the night, but please feel free to pm me if you need help working through this. It’s not easy, and I get that. I’ll help as much as i’m able, and sometimes just having someone who hears you can be enough.

Thank you

 

[Neanderthal247]

We're several years (nearing a decade) in. We definitely had a deeper connection but over the past 18 months, it just hasn't been "there".

I may not have the answer you need, but sometimes if you guys explore something new and talk about them, it may renew or freshen things up. Go to sex clubs, buy toys together, watch others, have others watch you 2, public sex or just annoy him till he grrrrrrrrrrrr lol


A long term relationship, if you want to be together forever, it takes a lot of work and both parties would have to put in the work.


Talk about it and explain how important consistently you need certain things and how very important it is to you.

I'm sure you have tried some of these, beyond that I have nothing else to add. Hope I was helpful. I believe the ladies here can help you along better than anyone else.

 

[35yoFemAsianDom47yoMaleWiteSub]

I guess just looking for advice? Maybe to vent to people who can understand?

I feel very committed to my Dom. However, things feel bland and repetitive. I feel like I'm constantly striving for attention and approval but rarely receiving.

I've brought it up and there's renewed effort but its not sustained. I can tell their attention is divided.

Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

choose who you serve.
let them know, you serve with passion the one you choose.
make sure they know, you choose who to serve and you can change your mind.

 

[TrainMe24]

choose who you serve.
let them know, you serve with passion the one you choose.
make sure they know, you choose who to serve and you can change your mind.

Ultimatums aren't really my thing.

 

[Deleted member 6353684]

Hi Trainme. I think if you have already talked these issues thru and nothing has changed perhaps it is either time to move on in this relationship or hang up the the Sub/Dom part of your relationship.
I'm not sure exactly what the long term status is.
Good luck though.
Take care. Either way is going to be a challenge for you.

 

[KatieDoes]

I may not have the answer you need, but sometimes if you guys explore something new and talk about them, it may renew or freshen things up. Go to sex clubs, buy toys together, watch others, have others watch you 2, public sex or just annoy him till he grrrrrrrrrrrr lol


A long term relationship, if you want to be together forever, it takes a lot of work and both parties would have to put in the work.


Talk about it and explain how important consistently you need certain things and how very important it is to you.

I'm sure you have tried some of these, beyond that I have nothing else to add. Hope I was helpful. I believe the ladies here can help you along better than anyone else.

I disagree very strongly with this take.


To earn the submission of another person requires a level of dedication and responsibility to that person and the relationship.

She said that she’s striving for attention and approval and not receiving it. Also that she has clearly communicated that her needs are not being met.

Her dom needs to either step up or explain why they aren’t. She’s either not doing what they approve of, or they’re distracted by something and not invested in her and their relationship.

Her safety is in their hands, and she needs to be able to trust that she is safe with them. If she doesn’t feel safe and valued, then chasing after them jumping through hoops and trying to win their interest through sex shops and swinger parties places her body, mind, and heart in danger.


Life happens, relationships change, needs shift. Those are all things that are reasonable to expect to have to work through in a long term relationship. But she can’t do it alone for them, nor should she be encouraged to try.

 

[Koba]

 

[TrainMe24]

Love the song. Hate the circumstances.

 

[Neanderthal247]

I disagree very strongly with this take.


To earn the submission of another person requires a level of dedication and responsibility to that person and the relationship.

She said that she’s striving for attention and approval and not receiving it. Also that she has clearly communicated that her needs are not being met.

Her dom needs to either step up or explain why they aren’t. She’s either not doing what they approve of, or they’re distracted by something and not invested in her and their relationship.

Her safety is in their hands, and she needs to be able to trust that she is safe with them. If she doesn’t feel safe and valued, then chasing after them jumping through hoops and trying to win their interest through sex shops and swinger parties places her body, mind, and heart in danger.


Life happens, relationships change, needs shift. Those are all things that are reasonable to expect to have to work through in a long term relationship. But she can’t do it alone for them, nor should she be encouraged to try.

My advice shifted, once I found out it was a 10 year long term situation. If he's only a Dom to her, I would fully agree, but if they're in a marriage like relationship, that would be my take.

I 100% agree he needs to step up his game and he has to put in the consistent effort as well. I definitely know submission has to be earned and should be cherished consistently.


Pretty much my mind went away from BDSM and shifted to a struggling 10 year committed relationship.


Old cave man here believes marriages and relationships take a lot of work.


I also think if my advice doesn't apply to her situation, she should seek counsel from the ladies on here.

 

[abvt75]

@TrainMe24 all relationships have a bad phase…. The question is how long are you ready to be patient for it to change. Also is your Dom a married man too ? I am guessing her not your husband and some one else’s husband too.

 

[summerose]

If it's got so bad that you're asking here... I feel like it's time to bite the bullet. If he's not able to fix it, you need to.

 

[jsmiam]

I had this answer all prepared before it came out in a later message that this is/was a ten year relationship.

So This probably doesn’t apply other that the “unless” paragraph further down.

But, I was once a somewhat reluctant “ok, I’ll do this” person trying to play the role of a dom. But I wasn’t really one, and I’m not ashamed of that, I was me, and for that I’m proud. However, with life not being a fairy tale it also meant that to her I was boring the hell out of her, and to me, I wanted sex and although I had a short list of things that were perhaps dominant in a way, overall I wasn’t it for her and I didn’t want to pretend I wanted to spank her, and it ended. We remained friends, afterwards. Easily the most puzzling relationship I was ever part of.

The “unless” part is this. I’d there any chance your wishes and desires have changed, and is he possibly no longer in his comfort zone? Not that there’s anything wrong with changing. If you’re bored (fill in the more palatable word if it helps), you’re bored. Sometimes change must happen.

Back to my story, in spite of the end of the fling meaning the end of some very nice sex with a very pretty woman, I was relieved too. She didn’t want to be bored, but I didn’t want to have to pretend to be into things I wasn’t into either. It wasn’t exactly a happy ending in the storybook sense, but it was an ending that made us both happier. BDSM is a strange world. People shouldn’t do things they’re not into, and that applies to the peopleon both sides of the fur lined leather handcuffs. ;-). Good luck!

 

[Collegeman93]

I guess just looking for advice? Maybe to vent to people who can understand?

I feel very committed to my Dom. However, things feel bland and repetitive. I feel like I'm constantly striving for attention and approval but rarely receiving.

I've brought it up and there's renewed effort but its not sustained. I can tell their attention is divided.

Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

Sorry to hear that sexy.