Feeling brave so I better bite the bullet...

[Guest]

Would some kind (and gentle) person review my story please...
literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57332&p3
This is a first for me, hope I pressad all the right keys.

 

[the_bragis]

Hi there gp,

Welcome and congratulations on posting your very first story. It's so exciting isn't it?

This is a lovely and sensual story, but it's just so hard to read. Don't worry though, a few simple changes are all that are needed here, and it's an even simpler process to resubmit your work. Check FAQ.

You need to divide your paragraphs up. There are some big ones, and then are some really huge ones! They are just too long to plough though.

You need to start each lot of new dialog with a new paragraph. Again it just make it so much easier for the reader to read.

Thoughs don't need to be in inverted comas. I know there's alot of discussion on that one, but for me it confuses it with the dialog. I notice most people use them for dialog only.

Oh and again it's just a small thing, but I noticed you use alot of adverbs. A fuller description is often more interesting.

I love a love story like this, I really do. I just wish it had a happier ending. Maybe you will continue the story? Please? Just for me?

Have a great day,
Alex(fem)