Feedback

[Debbie]

Wanting feedback?
Looking for new ideas/inspiration?
Or a question about poetry.
Are you a reader and want to help
the poets here improve and grow?
Please share with us.
Hoping for positive feedback and honest
critique?

Please post your poem in here.
Tell us a little about the poem.


Interact and give others feedback too.
There is much to learn and share.

My quest as a poet continues.
Always learning.

Relying on instinct
By debbie

A person's mystery
in cyber space lies
amid my mind in the form
of images conceived;
a nonexistent illusion
or perception of a physical
likeness, one that is formed
in my mind but sight unseen.

 

[nakedangelina]

Okay, I'll bite...

(just be gentle,okay??)

I have had this one for a while, I wrote it a couple of yeas ago. I have never been satisfied with it, although I feel it has possibilities.
(I am usually not shy, but some of you guys scare the hell out of me! lol)

"Lover's Masquerade"


Suddenly I’m jolted back -
my head spins with confusion,
with too much wine and a fake smile
you created an illusion.

You waltzed me ‘round a dance floor
using all your charms,
carefully watching for trap doors,
not to set off any alarms.

But all too soon you took off your mask
and let me see your devilish eyes,
I realized then what you wanted
in exchange for some nighttime lies.

As I turned my back on you
and walked into the midnight sun,
your voice rose high into a shrill
asking what wrong you’d done.

I spoke softly into the night
as the moon began to fade
“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."

 

[WickedEve]

Here are a few quick changes you may want to consider:

Suddenly I'm jolted back,
head spins with confusion.
With too much wine and fake smile
you created an illusion.

You waltzed me ‘round a dance floor
using your many charms,
carefully watching for trap doors,
not to set off any alarms.

Then off came your dark mask
and I saw your devilish eyes.
I realized what you wanted
in exchange for nighttime lies.

I turned my back on you,
walked into the midnight sun.
Your voice rose high and shrill
asking what wrong you had done.

I spoke softly into the night
as the moon began to fade.
“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."

 

[nakedangelina]

Thanks

Thank you, WE, I like the changes that you made. Do you have any other suggestions?

 

[Debbie]

nakedangelina, welcome.
Don't be scared. lol it's not a full moon yet.



Thanks for the read on your poem.
You say you have never been satisfied with it?
Can you tell me why? Does it not say what you want
it to? I am a curious person.

For me your poem spoke to me of a person
pretending to sweep you off your feet, charm you but
it was all false.

Some of the things that came to me about your poem?

I liked the use of midnight sun. I had not heard
that expression before. Always learning!

The repitition of the word night in the last verse
detracts a little from the poem. Finding fresh words
and new ways to use words that are repeated
brings so much more to the poem.

For example,

"Then off came your dark mask"

dark could be replaced by a different word,
Cimmerian: adjective: intensely dark and gloomy as with perpetual darkness.

With the use of midnight sun and
“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."?

I want more of this good stuff.

 

[nakedangelina]

nakedangelina, welcome.
Don't be scared. lol it's not a full moon yet.



Thanks for the read on your poem.
You say you have never been satisfied with it?
Can you tell me why? Does it not say what you want
it to? I am a curious person.

For me your poem spoke to me of a person
pretending to sweep you off your feet, charm you but
it was all false.


I want more of this good stuff.

Thank you for your thoughts, DX, I appreciate it.
Yes, as with most of my poetry, there is a man behind his one.

(I am noticing a pattern here - giggle - the relationships I have had with women are so much simplier)

I guess I am unsatified with it because I do not feel it portrays the level of deception.

I do like your suggestions, and yep, you still ROCK!!
(that is one of my fav poems, it makes me smile!)

OH - and what you are telling me is that need to stay away from here on the full moon - right?? LMAO

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Boo!

Heh, heh! Thanks for sharing your poem! I don't read the other critiques before posting my own, so I don't yet know what the others think, but I really liked the poem a lot! Each verse had a lot of great images and the story flowed from one to the next. I'm a sucker for "midnight sun!"

“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."
* I'm not sure what is meant by the final 2 lines, or why "Darkest Night" and "Lover's Masquerade" are capitalized, but I don't really care too much either. I was going to do an commentary on each verse, but it wouldn't have been much more than "I liked this one!" and "I liked this one too!"

So what can I say? I thought it was punchy, clever, funny and bitter. Each line kept moving toward the next. The poet's intentions were clear to me (except for the final two lines) and I liked reading the poem!

Very cool! Thanks again!

 

[nakedangelina]

Boo!

Heh, heh! Thanks for sharing your poem! I don't read the other critiques before posting my own, so I don't yet know what the others think, but I really liked the poem a lot! Each verse had a lot of great images and the story flowed from one to the next. I'm a sucker for "midnight sun!"

“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."
* I'm not sure what is meant by the final 2 lines, or why "Darkest Night" and "Lover's Masquerade" are capitalized, but I don't really care too much either. I was going to do an commentary on each verse, but it wouldn't have been much more than "I liked this one!" and "I liked this one too!"

So what can I say? I thought it was punchy, clever, funny and bitter. Each line kept moving toward the next. The poet's intentions were clear to me (except for the final two lines) and I liked reading the poem!

Very cool! Thanks again!

Thank you, Star, very much.

The final verse, about playing the "Lover's Masquerade" is basically stating that this guy should be careful when he tries to fool someone, me in this case. Work it (better) if you are trying to make me fall for all your bullshit, I guess. I just used alot of fancy words to say it. *LOL*

Again, thanks, and I guess I will post it soon with a few revisions.

 

[Debbie]

nakedangelina, I liked the 'fancy words', gave the poem
a fresh approach. Repitition of the same old words are
boring after awhile.
LOL Open the window, let the air in and bring us
more fresh.
I got what you were trying to say in your poem.
Looking forward to the final product.
Don't forget you have a voice too. Pick a poem
(one of mine if you are shy), please
tell us what you think. I am always learning, and
love what I have learnt here.

 

[christcat69]

"Lover's Masquerade"



Suddenly I’m jolted back -
my head spins with confusion,
with your sweet wine and a crooked smile
you created an illusion.

You waltzed me ‘round the dance floor
utilizing all your talent and charm,
watching for trap doors,
careful not to cause me any harm.

But prematurely, you took off your mask
and let me gaze into your devilish eyes,
I realized then what you wanted
in exchange for your nighttime lies.

As I turned my back on you
and walked into the midnight sun,
your voice rose high into a shrill
asking what wrong you had done.

I spoke softly into the stark night
as the moon began to fade
“Only on the Darkest Night
Should you play the Lover’s Masquerade."


I made some changes I think you would benefit from. To set the mood more, I guess. I hope you like the changes nakedangelina.

 

[nakedangelina]

nakedangelina, I liked the 'fancy words', gave the poem
a fresh approach. Repition of the same old words is
boring after awhile.
LOL Open the window, let the air in and bring us
more fresh.
I got what you were trying to say in your poem.
Looking forward to the final product.
Don't forget you have a voice too. Pick a poem
(one of mine if you are shy), please
tell us what you think. I am always learning, and
love what I have learnt here.

I hope this is what you meant... (I was unsure if you wanted another of mine or someone else's)
This is a poem that Sir Phoenix put on the new poems list a few days ago. I really enjoyed it, but I did not see it receive much attention on the board.


two sides of a fire
by Sir Phoenix ©
i am two sides of a fire
warm and natural first and usual
my touch will sew and heal
my eyes will burn a hole through your pain
the light shed from me will guide you to your destination and let you find your way when the rest of the world has shut it's lights out on you
the dreams that i provide are a breakthrough for a soul
the minutes spent watching my flame turn to hours as one drifts of to my lullaby

but i am two sides of a fire
the second charred and scarring
hurtful and unmerciful
within my heat glows a painful soul and if one gets close they will get possessed by that soul
i am an all-powerful ally of the gods, and they send me down to do their dirtywork
(lazy bastards, one day i will destroy them all)
the gift i give is nothing compared to what i can take from you
i am a homewrecker with no conscience
i am a 2am hooker who steals your money
i am everywhere always, but when you need a cigarette, i vanish, just to torture you

i am a smoke-out, junkie, twelve stories high that'll burn down the building before i die

and then i am reborn


I like this for several reasons. First, it is unusual, it leads you one way then takes you to the other side, I did not expect the change in the poem.
Second, I FEEL this poem. The words seep into my skin, I feel calm and peaceful while reading the first verse, while the second verse makes me feel like I am in an uproar, with things violently changing, quickly, making me feel uneasy about where this is going.
I feel the anger and disgust with the "smoke-out junkie, twelve stories high that'll burn down the building before I die."
Then, in closing "and then I am reborn" brings hope to my heart once more.
This poem spoke to me. To me, I connected it to addiction, of just about any sort, I suppose. Being just about smoothered by the blanket of addiction, only to give hope in the end, that it can be overcome.
Now, I hope I have not given this too deep a look. As I have said before, I am not much on form, so if you were looking for that type of a review, I am afraid I am not your girl I am hoping to learn more about form thru this site.
Thanks to everyone who gave me input on "Lover's Masquerade".

 

[Debbie]

Wow, thank you for bringing this poem to the board.
I missed this poem on the new list.
You did fine. Feedback and critique helps
us all to learn.
(Sauntering off to find the link)



http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47529

 

[Senna Jawa]

I am sorry to ask an off topic question, I am a newbe here.

In my submission window I see that there are some "views" related to my poems posted at Literotica. How do I find them??? It's a bit frustrating not to be able to read them.

(If U answer U may send a copy of your comment to:

*** sennajawa@literotica.org ***

I do plan to check here too).

Regards,

Senna Jawa

 

[Debbie]

I am sorry to ask an off topic question, I am a newbe here.

In my submission window I see that there are some "views" related to my poems posted at Literotica. How do I find them??? It's a bit frustrating not to be able to read them.

(If U answer U may send a copy of your comment to:

*** sennajawa@literotica.org ***

I do plan to check here too).

Regards,

Senna Jawa

Welcome to the poetry forum.
You are not off topic at all.

Views mean people who have read or
looked at your poetry.

Here is a link to your profile

http://literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=113610

and one of your poems got a mention in
the new poems thread by the lovely JUDO.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=1711035#post1711035

Looking forward to more poetry from you.
Let us know if we can help in anyway.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Welcome to the poetry forum.

Thank U. I am already fond of Literotica.

You are not off topic at all.

Views mean people who have read or
looked at your poetry.

Here is a link to your profile

http://literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=113610

and one of your poems got a mention in
the new poems thread by the lovely JUDO.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=1711035#post1711035

Indeed, how kind of her! It bumped up the number
of views of "poe tr y" dramatically

Looking forward to more poetry from you.

At this moment I see several poems listed in my profile. I intend to add more.

Let us know if we can help in anyway.

Thank U, debiexxx. I am still dizzy around here. I am impressed by the talent, knowledge and friendliness of this forum.

Best regards,

    Senna Jawa

 

[Senna Jawa]

Wanting feedback?
[...]

I'd be curious about how would participants of this forum interpret my "time on your hands" poem:

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47994

Or even the title "time on your hands" alone?

The reason is that in the past, on other poetry lists, I was quite surprised by the reactions.

Regards,

    Senna Jawa.

PS. What is the purpose of the submission field "description"? Do authors control the description field? it seems to me a perfect place to put there a label like "sonnet". SJ

 

[dark stranger]

hi all...

newbie here

will read your gifts
and hang humble lines

hope there are blessings
by my entering and my exiting

thank you

Dark

 

[dreamangel_4980]

also a newbie..as if ya couldnt tell..
enter and exit come as you may...enter my life and you make my day.....come into my dreams ..visit my fantasies..my secret desires
are sparked by YOUR fire...touch my soul..andthe REAL me you'll soon come to know ..but alas..can youhandle that?

 

[dark stranger]

ms angel

will be pleased
to know you
to read you
to watch your wings
on written wind

will take the time
to be a friend

thanks ms

 

[Guest]

Come take a picture of me
with the camera inside of your mind
I can see you my handsome "stranger"
please dont leavemy love behind





dedicated to dark..from Angel