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[christcat69]

I need some help. Actually, I need you guys to vote on my work so I can have some constructive critism or something.HELP!! Help!

"There is no sense but nonsense", Charles Manson.

 

[Fairytat]

Christcat69 --- it helps when you put links to your work

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=87145

 

[Fairytat]

Submission

Want to sink my teeth into your silky flesh,
Standing before me in a catsuit strewn of mesh,

Im not a big fan of constant rhyming because often you can't find words that rhyme. When you do, it can sound awkward. In this case the "catsuit strewn of mesh" makes no sense. I do like the first line though.

Teasing me with your sultry eyes,
Trying so desperately to break these ties,
Strapped to the bedpost, under your spell,
Feels like heaven, on the brink of hell,

Now this part has good rhyming Though I have one quibble "Teasing me with your sultry eyes/Trying so desperately to break these ties." The second line sounds like it is your lover trying to break free (Im aware you are the one in question). I do like "strapped to the bedpost, under your spell/Feels like heaven, on the brink of hell."

Then you nibble the nape of my neck and insert a finger slowly,
You start gentle and slow, and then hard and rough, you fuck me,
You fuck me until I moan and wail, and quiver with delight,
You fuck me like no one ever has,
No one…
Until tonight.

Overall, I didn't like this poem. I liked bits of it but I felt that this subject was quite dark and the rhyme scheme didn't reflect that. There was so much rich material and different directions you could've gone with it.

 

[christcat69]

Fairytat

"There is no sense but nonsense," Charles Manson

So glad I at least got some feedback Thanks for responding. Maybe you can help me with the darkness. I've always written
about dark subjects but I guess I'm not really a dark person. I've always been a typical gemini, yin & yang. I would be grateful if you helped me a bit. I just submitted a story entitled "Nocturnal Emission" along with a poem entitled "Ravens Vampress". I don't know if it's been posted yet but I love for you to read it.



Always room for some critism...

 

[Fairytat]

Christcat69,

I liked bits of it but I felt that this subject was quite dark and the rhyme scheme didn't reflect that. There was so much rich material and different directions you could've gone with it.

Hehe I think you misunderstood what I meant. I feel that you have the potential as you have a few lines with which to work. I just think you could get outside the rhyme scheme, or at least that particular one, and explore beyond those constraints.

Fave lines:

"Want to sink my teeth into your silky flesh"
"Feels like heaven, on the brink of hell, "
"You fuck me until I moan and wail, and quiver with delight,
You fuck me like no one ever has,
No one… Until tonight."

 

[christcat69]

Thanks

My girlfriend says I should write stories for penthouse but my only feedback is usually from her...that's why I've submitted (in more ways than one) to this particular site. I hope you don't think I was being sarcastic. I really do appreciate the feedback. Do you think I would be better off focusing on improving my writing scheme? I need to write about darkness to insure that it stays on paper and doesn't carry into my reality. Although sometimes the reality is bleaker.

"There is no sense but nonsense", Charles Manson

 

[Fairytat]

Christcat69,


Writing is a great cartharsis for whatever goes on with your life. That's what I've always used it for myself. Darkness is often what launches writers because the pain is the muse. Personally, I don't like rhyming because I feel it puts constraints on me. Im always so busy trying to find the words that fit, I forget about the point of why I began writing it. My advice to you, is to go with the moment, write whatever you are feeling/thinking at that point and time. Once the storm of creativity is over, go back and see if there is anything of use for you. Fashion a poem, short story, novel, etc from that nonsense. Understand?

 

[christcat69]

good advice

I find I get stuck sometimes but alot of the time I sit and write a poem freely in 5 minutes or so. I wrote one I entitled " Emotionless Whore" (non- erotic, you can guess) while I was in half-waking state. I hadn't remembered writing it until I saw it on the ground by my bed a few hours later. It was exactly what I was feeling though. I guess I'm what you would call multi-tasked. I think too much.

 

[Fairytat]

Raven's Vampress

You step out from behind the shadows,
And it seems as if the darkness stays within you.
You suck the life from me and I am reborn,
Sink your teeth in and I feel anew.

I think "behind" could be taken out and switch the last two lines; "Sink your teeth in and I feel anew/Suck the life from me and I am reborn." Makes sense that the vampire would "sink" then "suck."
Though for your rhyming, that would mess it up

Never knew there was light beyond the thick black,
I never thought I could see the world this way.
There was a reason for us to meet up on this night,
I needed you to show me that the world would crumble in dismay.

Don't need "up on" in the third line.

The world could rock violently beneath me,
And I would still believe it was infinite, as I had before.
Now you are here to hold open my eyes,
And show me that there is so much more.

Not quite sure about the first two lines, but I like the last two.

Thousands of years of knowledge and wisdom,
And you beckon me to hold it all within my being.
So I take you in and become infinite as well,
Only to awaken and realize it has all been a dream.

Don't like the second line but can't think of anything at the moment to replace it. I like the "beckon" but not the "hold it all within my being." Perhaps replace "it has all been a dream" with "it was but a dream." Im curious that you chose not to end with a rhyme.

Raven's Vampress

You step from between the shadows,
And it's as if the darkness stays within you.
You suck the life from me and I am reborn,
You sink your teeth in and I feel anew.

Never knew there was light beyond the thick black,
I never thought I could see the world this way.
There was a reason for us to meet this night,
I needed you to show me the world would crumble in dismay.

Now you are here to hold open my eyes,
And show me that there is so much more.

A thousand years of knowledge and wisdom,
You beckon me to hold it all within my being.
So I take you in and become infinite as well,
Only to awaken and realize it was but a dream.

I made some minor changes (deleting a word or two) and a major one (deteling two lines). I like this poem because you demonstrate the awesome abilities you find in vampires. Aside from some tightening, this is a fine poem.

 

[christcat69]

change is wonderful

I like the changes. I'm not sure about the third stanza but I needs some fine tuning. I especially enjoy your work!! Good feedback!!!

"There is no sense but nonsense", Charles Manson

 

[Fairytat]

No problem

Hehe, I couldn't think of anything to put in the third stanza myself so I just left in what I liked about it and took out what I didn't. I read all your entries and must say that I like what you write for the most part, though I do wish you weren't so enamored of rhyming. Of course that's just my personal bias shining through lol.

 

[sexyles69]

your writing inspires

I love your poem entitled Tropical Storm. It is great and inspired me to write a couple of my own poems. It is great that you can put your poems on this site. Mine aren't good enough to post. Shy I guess.

 

[JUDO]

Open

Darling, then post them here on this thread. Afterall, we're only here to make us all better writers.

Post them. We'll pull their skirts up and tell you what we like, don't like and why not. In that way, maybe you'll see how some writers view how you communicate.

Then it's off to improve!

Post the new & improved version here until it's a diamond.

After all that, you couldn't possibly be embarassed to post the poem elsewhere, now, could you?

Toods.
- Judo

 

[christcat69]

sexyles69...do write.

Thanks for the feedback. I actually have that poem posted under two names. I don't know why but I guess I liked tropical storm better. It had more energy. I posted to get feedback and am finally starting to be able to write more freely. If you are inspired my best advice for you is to write and see what comes out. If you want you can post work in the threads and improve upon it before submitting. Thanks again for the feedback and I hope to see some of your work soon.

 

[sexyles69]

I love to write!

I enjoy writing but can't find the courage to actually show people and be critiqued. I just like to read others writings to encourage them to write better things.