Feedback

[Earthgoddess]

I have now submitted a few poems and am working on a small ever flowing pond of new possibles. I will be participating in my first open mike at an erotic event, and would love some feedback about the works I have here at Lit, as they will be my choices for offerings that night. I have almost six weeks to prepare, but would love any feedback on both the poems and the presentation. I have no qualms about performing, I did theater for over a decade. But this is a small venue, and an intimate event so I would value any input.
Many thanks,
eg

 

[Earthgoddess]

bump

Pitiful as it may be I bumped this.

 

[Angeline]

Pitiful as it may be I bumped this.

Not pitiful at all, we all love feedback but you'll be much more likely to get some if you post a poem or two in this thread.

 

[bflagsst]

I looked over your poems when you first posted, but didn't respond because only one was posted this year and didn't really have anything to say in the realm of constructive feedback for an open mic night. But since you're persistent I'll comment on That Tone

That Tone is interesting to me until you get to "I fill my mouth with that hot water" as I don't really get the image. Which is followed by "swallowing wetness", which still leaves me with questions. 'Up came the power' and 'power flowing' feels a bit forced. We know there's an exchange of power. But there's more to the poem that I do like than dislike.

Overall, I'm sure the poem will go over well in a poetry reading scenario. However, I think you could have organized your lines better for the reader. I'm uniformly anti-prose poetry, would recommend dipping your toe more into the poetry side of things, relying more on traditional poetic devices.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thank you

The two I am considering are That Tone and Tongue Tied, as it is an erotic event-pseudo burlesque thing. I appreciate the re-direction as far as elements. And here is the actual text-thanks for pointing that out as well.

Tongue Tied
Is it possible to rethink it all,
Re-live it over and over so that it goes on
And does not end
How lost could I be without having been yours?
Howl lost
I am still too tongue tied to speak.
The truth flies over my tongue
The taste of you fills my eager mouth
My own howls of pleasure echo ever
Now lost to me, but not forgotten.
The simple memory of your taste,
salt sweet on the center of my tongue
My mouth open, ready and waiting
Hungry for you.
Lost without you
Found
New words, new sounds
Learning to speak again
Tongue tied
Howl
How lost
How found
Salt air licked from my lips
By my own tongue
Tied by memory



That Tone
That Tone

My submission fails as my fingers and bravado,
wrap velvet over your permission and those patiently offered wrists.

Switching it on, switching it up,a certain tone noted in my voice as I tie the knot.
Not knowing exactly what I am getting into.

Your face almost solemn as I approach the bed,eyes watching as I
fill my mouth with that hot water.

Then, for once, I was the one who made you gasp,
evoked that hip tilt, watched your eyes close.

Swallowing wetness as I watched you, your head fell back, and up came the power. Power flowing as I stop. Starting up and, stop,easing down, and stop.

Warm,wet,willing ceasing, ceasing all but the verbal caress, the tone in my voice shocking me as I taunt you. Now and now slower than before, the traces of peppermint oil almost too hot, then almost too cold as my breath and lips and tongue work so hard to make it just right.

My self control failing as I tell you exactly where my lips will, then what my tongue might,all those words tumbling out to quickly. Feeling those now unrestrained hands in my hair, my own soft sounds beginning to rock me.

Then that tone,the words almost an accusation, almost an exclamation, almost an exaltation..."Are you cumming again,girl?"

Oddly my own surrender grows sweeter as the borrowed sense of control is lifted into my hair curled around your fingers. And again there is a gasp, eyes close, hips tilt.

Then that tone that reminds me exactly what I want, where I want, and this time the question comes again along with me,and that tone in your voice.

 

[nerk]

Thank you for these poems.

Both have some wonderful bits that nail the instant and suggest the moment beautifully. In the first one, after "Howl lost" and down to "Hungry for you" you have wonderfully descriptive images. The only line I would suggest changing in that section is "Now lost to me, but not forgotten." In the middle of describing your memory, we know he is not forgotten. This line (and the beginning of the poem) bumps up against one of my issues in poetry generally, which is description of cogitation. It's not anyone's rule but mine, but when I read poetry, I don't care so much to know what the poet is thinking. I want to feel what the poet is feeling. You hit that really well in the middle of the piece. I wonder if it even needs the context?

 

[Earthgoddess]

Appreciated

I am in the midst of picking each line apart again to see how it resonants, and to see how it works best as a spoken piece. I appreciate the fine tuning, thank you.