Feedback?

[AtFirstSight]

Hey all, I wrote my first story a while back and was just wondering if I could get feedback so that my next one is even better. Just what I did a good/poor job of, what I could do more/less, etc. The link is: http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=229329

Thanks in advance
-AFS

 

[damppanties]

Hi AFS,

I'm going to comment as I'm read your story.

Greta said her niece needed a break, and assured he and Justin that
should be ...assured 'him' and Justin... I think.

They were staring upwards, her candy apple red lips wrapped around his manhood as she kneeled before him.
I loved that image.

I liked the way you painted the image of Carson through the eyes of Dawn. I could totally get into her head and imagine what she sees him as. Excellent choice of words and expression, very well done.

Dawn may not be an expert when it came to reading men. In fact she considered herself pretty stupid when it came to anything possessing a Y chromosome. But she could tell when she was about to be fired.
IMO, 'may not' should be 'was not'. And the next two sentences would read better combined.

The temper Dawn's grandmother had always frowned upon started to flare.
That was not consistent. If she's already expecting a dismissal, then why is she getting angry? I didn't get it. Maybe you should expand on it.

So instead of responded, he just sat back and asked if she could bring him a refill on his coffee
'responded' should be 'responding'.

They were luxuriously soft.
I love the way you use certain words. 'Luxuriously' there. Perfect.

Slowly she eased their lips apart, looking up at him—her eyes still have closed with pleasure, "Mary called in sick, you know. We've got the whole office to ourselves…"
'...her eyes still closed with pleasure'. No 'have'. Also, I think you need a period after 'pleasure', simply because it's not a tag but a separate sentence. There's an excellent How To about this on Literotica by Whispersecret. Here's the link: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8982

Making circles around it he watched her.
Commas. Making circles around it, he watched her. There are other places where I thought you could use commas too.

Dawn shuddered. What did I just do? She'd come on her boss' fingers.
The 'I' in there should be 'she', even thought she's thinking about herself. It does not stand out as internal thought.

Standing at a whopping...
Uhoh. First major disappointent for me in the story. You've already given me a great picture of Carson earlier on. I don't think I need to know his exact height.

Her inner muscles gripped his cock tight, half in love with it and half overwhelmed by its size.
Her muscles in love with his cock? That just sounds wrong.

Dawn's stomach had already began to tighten...
'began' should be 'begun'

Okay I'm done reading and... what happened? It was like once you were done with the sex, you ended the story. It was too abrupt. Do you plan on continuing it?

I didn't understand why she was angry in the end. She enjoyed the sex as much as he did and it didn't look like she was seduced against her will. In fact, in the part after her orgasm when she thinks about getting him off, it is in quite a fond way. What am I missing here?

I loved the way you started out with this tale, but somewhere in the middle you lost me a bit. The build up of his huge cock, the safe sex message thrown in and the confusion with Dawn's character didn't make me enjoy this story as much as I thought I would.

There were some points in the story I really enjoyed. Some I've listed above. The way you describe things is good, your choice of words is exact and to the point. Consistency in the way you think about your characters and make them behave would help. And I think you have it in you to write more than just a stroke story. This started as something more, but ended up disappointing me a little.

Hope this helps and good luck with your next one. Keep writing.

 

[AtFirstSight]

thanks

Hey, thanks for the comments! It did start as more than a stroke story, and I do plan on continuing it. All of what you said is true; Dawn was a little inconsistant. Of course it made sense to me since I knew what she was thinking and feeling (but obviously didn't convey it well enough.)

Again, thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it!

 

[sensorotika]

Nice work

I like the story, I think it's hot. I would change some of your wording - 'manhood' for instance - but overall I liked the flow and style.