feedback welcomed

[DanielBoone]

I have submitted four or five poems.
I like poems that paint little impressionistic pictures.
I'd welcome feedback on my latest.

https://www.literotica.com/p/this-is-what-i-love

Thanks to one and all.

 

[Magnetron]

I have submitted four or five poems.
I like poems that paint little impressionistic pictures.
I'd welcome feedback on my latest.

https://www.literotica.com/p/this-is-what-i-love

Thanks to one and all.

Line 3 mentions you both being asleep, but nothing about either you or the both of you waking up.

Line 6 is completely unnecessary, as it repeats what we already know in Line 5.

The rest is smooth sailing from there in out.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I would have liked it better if I hadn't been told you were both doing it in your sleep.

 

[DanielBoone]

Thank you

Both for your feedback.
And thanks to the feedback from Greenmountaineer.

I enjoy putting this kind of stuff out into the world! And receiving feedback too.