sexciprincess
Attention Whore
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2007
- Posts
- 3,951
on my incest story.
Link is below on my signature.
Link is below on my signature.
Feedback wanted
- Thread starter sexciprincess
- Start date
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
Okay, let's start with the first paragraph -
I have two problems here. "Ohhh" and "Ohhhhhh Goooooood" and "Mmmmmmmmm" and "Oooooooooooow" all fall in the same catagory. DON'T! Later during the RP session, those are alright, because that is the way people type in P2P. Secondly, you've dropped the reader into the middle of the scene. You are missing one or two lines to let the reader know "you" are masturbating. You have an incest story here. The impression is you jump right into the action between "you" and your father. That makes paragraph 2 a let down.
On a brighter note, I love the twisted nature of the story. "You" cybering with her father and not knowing it. Reminds me of a joke I've heard.
Not a bad first effort. Keep it up. You'll do just fine with your sexy attitude and off-center outlook.
JJ
I have two problems here. "Ohhh" and "Ohhhhhh Goooooood" and "Mmmmmmmmm" and "Oooooooooooow" all fall in the same catagory. DON'T! Later during the RP session, those are alright, because that is the way people type in P2P. Secondly, you've dropped the reader into the middle of the scene. You are missing one or two lines to let the reader know "you" are masturbating. You have an incest story here. The impression is you jump right into the action between "you" and your father. That makes paragraph 2 a let down.
On a brighter note, I love the twisted nature of the story. "You" cybering with her father and not knowing it. Reminds me of a joke I've heard.
Not a bad first effort. Keep it up. You'll do just fine with your sexy attitude and off-center outlook.
JJ
bbkradwell
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2001
- Posts
- 1,012
Okay, let's start with the first paragraph -
I have two problems here. "Ohhh" and "Ohhhhhh Goooooood" and "Mmmmmmmmm" and "Oooooooooooow" all fall in the same catagory. DON'T! Later during the RP session, those are alright, because that is the way people type in P2P. Secondly, you've dropped the reader into the middle of the scene. You are missing one or two lines to let the reader know "you" are masturbating. You have an incest story here. The impression is you jump right into the action between "you" and your father. That makes paragraph 2 a let down.
On a brighter note, I love the twisted nature of the story. "You" cybering with her father and not knowing it. Reminds me of a joke I've heard.
Not a bad first effort. Keep it up. You'll do just fine with your sexy attitude and off-center outlook.
JJ
Oh, do please tell us the joke, luv! I really do need to hear someting that'll make me laugh, right about now! Please?
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Posts
- 4,778
Sorry, I have the signatures disabled, and I'm much too lazy to look for your story..
sexciprincess
Attention Whore
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2007
- Posts
- 3,951
Lol, thats fine and thank you Jenny for the constructive criticism, I'll try to watch out for that.
