Feedback wanted - View From The Spare Room

[TaskerFurness]

Hi

Looking for feedback on this story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/view-from-the-spare-room

I've previously written celebrity stories under another ID but I wanted a fresh start in different categories.

This is a short that I did to slowly start to get something out and would appreciate feedback on it. Dunno whether I'll do something like this again or just stick to Erotic couplings.

I'm also quite terrible at naming stories as well.

 

[Winchester3030]

very Hot story! Good reading

 

[Nynah]

I think the title works just fine for the story! It was a quick little read with a lot of action and description so I think you did well for your first go under this persona.

There were a couple of grammatical and spelling errors but nothing glaring. I would say the most obvious one is calling the wife "Alyssa" in your introductory paragraph, but for the rest of the story she is "Rachel".

I did appreciate the voyeuristic aspect of the story but I can't help wondering what kind of audience you would have found if you had posted it in Loving Wives instead, since I think it fits that criteria rather neatly. Then again, I don't really tread there at all, so posting it in E&V is perfectly serviceable as well.

 

[StillStunned]

A few comments, or suggestions to consider in future projects. Take them or leave them as just one person's opinion.

First, the logistics are a bit rushed. One moment your narrator is in the bathroom. The glass is frosted, but the window's open. Can't he look out through or around it? Then suddenly he's in the bedroom. I'm not saying we need a detailed description, but the window seems to give him an almost unrestricted view even though he's sitting down: "I settled down into the chair." Is he on the ground floor, level with the drive? Or is he on the first floor looking down? Are there curtains to keep him out of sight?

This brings me to the second point. When I write voyeur stories, I like to stress the conflict: wanting to see, but feeling guilty for spying. and/or being worried about being caught. I think that's a big part of the thrill for the genre. With your story, we get none of that. It just happens: his wife is having sex with another man and he's watching. When she comes in, it doesn't come as much as a surprise to the reader that she knew he was watching, because we're not that invested in the secrecy of the act. Your narrator might as well have been standing beside them.

For me, I think the story would have been richer if you'd focused bit more on the narrator's excitement at being a hidden watcher. Sitting in the dark, angled away from the light coming in from the lamppost on the street. Hearing his wife and her lover in the quiet of the night, but beyond them other sounds too: a car passing on the street, a nightbird calling, the hood of the car pinging as the engine cools. Not making any sudden movements or noises. Trembling with the tension of being aroused but not wanting to do anything that might give him away. Biting down his grunts as he comes, because if he can hear them, they can hear him. Trying to stand still after he's climaxed, despite the sudden weakness in his legs. That kind of thing.

But again, this is just one reader's opinion. Take from it what you will, write the stories that you want to, and how you want to. My personal preferences might not work for you, and I'm not some guru saying that my way is the best way, or the only way.

One thing I'll recommend, though, is to check your stories better before submitting. As @Nynah already mentioned, there are some typos there. Nobody is expecting flawless writing on a free amateur erotica site, but the fewer mistakes you have, the easier you make it for your readers to keep reading. As a professional editor and proofreader, I always use the Read Aloud function in Word as the very final check of my work, and I use it for my stories here too. Other word processors have similar functions, I believe. Watch the highlight jump from word to word, and listen to the computer tell you what you wrote, not what you think you wrote. It's a tedious process, but it works.

Good luck with your writing, and keep having fun!

 

[TaskerFurness]

Thank you for the feedback, nice to have some which are constructive. I did use a Literotica editor so disappointed that neither of us spotted the type os or the name but we learn from it.

Onto the next.

 

[cally420]

Hi there! I took the time to read your story and have some notes. Overall you have pretty crisp and clean prose - I don't have much to add there. Generally I'd say you're competent wordsmith.

The structural and spatial elements are some of what caught me off... some criticisms are below.

1) I struggled a little with the POV and the MC's ability to see what was going on. The lover takes her in the driveway. No other neighbours to hear? no one across the road? The 130am scene means it's dark BUT it's bright enough that the MC can see what's being done to Rachel? You hit this at one point partway through "The view was obscured slightly" and later "I got a better view, a shine of the street lights lighting her up. " but it just didn't make sense to me.

Ah - later on you put this in... " she paired this with a quick look around to ensure no one could see. The drive was at the side of the house but it wasn't completely protected. The neighbouring house would be able to see but they worked nights and anyone walking past the drive entrance would see if they looked up."

My own preference maybe, but I'd either like them to be more properly hidden from view OR just not giving any fucks about being seen. This middle ground seems a little odd. Imagine that they moved into the back yard and he nails her on a picnic table or against a hot tub or something? Unless part of the kink is to have MORE risk of being seen... in which case leave it in the driveway beside the house but have Rachel relish it? It could become a tease with Will... "if you want this pussy, you have to take it here... now..."

2) Minor thing, but open window tends to mean frosting doesn't matter. No? My own bathroom windows have frosting, but when you open 'em it's just a screen (which you CAN see through)

3) spelling: "Wills's head"

4) "They shared a look of lust after the kiss and I could tell the next move." a great example of something that doesn't quite work from the POV... Will has just been eating her (assume: he's facing her) and then kisses her. Not clear how the MC sees both their faces...

5) "While it wasn't as great as her breasts, Rachel had a nice ass". This is an oddly backhanded compliment.

6) "The cold temperature of the car's surface provided a strong counterpoint to the heat building up in her body. " - this one is internal to Rachel, no?. Not sure how the MC would see/sense this.

7) Maybe I just don't understand the Hotwire tropes (not my milieu) but I'm fuzzy on what this means: "You can do whatever you want with your hotwife tomorrow. Just make sure you film it for me.". Is this just understood? Is he going to seduce someone else and film it for her? Or is she the Hotwife?"

Overall I think there's a lot to like in your story. You've got a clear scene, some good descriptions, and like I said, some clean prose. I think that giving us more to care about and a bit more insight into the MC and possibly Rachel would enhance this and take it beyond the more mechanistic aspects of "guy watches his wife get nailed on the hood of a car while he masturbates".