Feedback Wanted - Romance Story

[clownprince2008]

Hey all.

This story is my first one after a long break from writing and was written in increments at different times which might explain any consistencies and tonal shifts. Aside from a cheesy title and perhaps an inaccurate classification under romance, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.


http://www.literotica.com/s/friends-and-lovers-15

 

[CWatson]

Out in front of the "barr"? Why is Roseanne there? I'm fairly sure the word you're looking for has only one R in it.

Also, please think about word choice in your description. Your first paragraph is seven sentences long and contains seven instances of the word "night". That's a lot of repetition, especially for an opening para.

The second para immediately changes from present tense ("I grab her boob") to past tense ("I grabbed her boob").

What's with the single-quote marks for dialogue? I know that Britons use this convention, but unfortunately almost half of Literotica's visitors come from America, where double-quotes are the norm. What you choose to do on the subject is ultimately up to you, but keep in mind that readers will react accordingly. And if you're using British punctuation, why are your characters paying in dollars instead of pounds?

Remember that there's a difference between the em-dash, which is long, and the en-dash or hyphen, which is short. En-dashes are used for hyphenated words (or double-barreled last names), whereas em-dashes are used like colons or parentheses--they indicate a segue into a related but tangential clause--or for broken-off dialogue. Most word-processing software will automatically convert double-dashes into em-dashes, which is good since most keyboards don't allow you to cue them directly--some silly oversight in the typewriter age, no doubt. If the software doesn't, just use a double dash--people will know what you mean.

There is a missing word here:

The receptionist began typing away while __ stood perfectly still and silent like two kids that are being hauled before the principal

Also, I found the whole exchange to be a bit tawdry. I might have bought it a bit more if she'd actually grabbed Nate a little. However, that is just me; people have complained that I'm too practical for adventurous sex.

One door stood was all that stood in our way.

Huh?

'You're hair maybe. But you're not wet here,'

"Your".

I feel like the story ends a bit abruptly. "Right before the next sex scene" is not typically where sex stories end.

Honestly, that is about all my thoughts on the story. It's good sex, but not a great deal of character development, and as a result I'm a bit indifferent. I would have categorized this as "Erotic Couplings" instead, since the fucking takes up close to 50% of your word count. But people seem to like it, and well they should.

 

[clownprince2008]

Yeah, I think I rely of spell check way too much. Not a great idea since it doesn't pick up typos like "bar", still, I'm rather embarrassed I didn't see that.

Regarding the quotation marks and using dollars, I'm from Australia. And when it comes to quotation marks for dialogue, we're pretty much split right down the middle. I just made it a habit to only use double quotations for direct quotes within dialogue such as: 'I asked him and all he said was, "none of your business"'. I could just as easily invert that if it bugs people.

Glad to hear you somewhat liked it.

 

[ZoZa]

I just made it a habit to only use double quotations for direct quotes within dialogue such as: 'I asked him and all he said was, "none of your business"'. I could just as easily invert that if it bugs people.

Glad to hear you somewhat liked it.

You have that exactly backwards. double quotes for speech, singles within spoken lines.

Anyway having read it I have to agree with CWatson on all points except the tawdryness. I rather like fantasies to move faster and be more adventurous than dull, dull reality. Go for gusto.


Having said that, at one point you went for a little too much gusto

'But I just had a shower. Look, my hair is still wet,' she said frustrated, clearly wanting me to continue.

'You're hair maybe. But you're not wet here,' I said as I slipped my hand between her thighs and slid a finger inside of her.

Made me wince. Just jamming a finger in when she's not wet isn't going to make you any friends, that's all I'm saying... (especially since you described her as a 'tight girl' earlier.)



Something you might keep in mind generally: Short sentences and short paragraphs give the reader a sense of speed and are best used to describe fast or sudden events.

Long sentences and paragraphs give the impression of drawn-out events.

Structure your writing appropriately. As it stands you're all over the place. Fast things sometimes feel slow and vice versa. And a few exclamation marks couldn't hurt, especially in dialogue.