Feedback wanted on my latest story

[Lustin Kink]

My new story, Angela's Way Ch. 01 just received approval. I really like Angela and my hope is to turn this into one of those 10-15 chapter deals. Before I go gangbusters on it I'm interested to know if the first chapter is worth building on. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

It has potential

Pretty good. You have some nice plot development going here. There were a couple of instances where you shifted from past tense to present tense in the middle of a paragraph, but I enjoyed the story. This isn't normally a category I read very often, but this story has my curiosity up. Looking forward to seeing how this goes.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hoo boy, I guess I reallly must be old if the sexual adventures of a 42 year old woman fits her into the Mature category. I always felt that Mature stories were more about folks in their mid-fifties and older, but I guess it just depends on your point of view.

Anyway, I thought it was a good story, though not great. I guess I was surprised by how sexually aggressive and confident Arlene was, especially if this was her first affair. I think I would have liked to have seen more nervousness from her, more uncertainty, more fumbling around, at least in this first story.

There was one consistent problem throughout with punctuation of dialog. Example:

"Yes, Ma'am." responded Charlie and started pouring.

Should be

"Yes, Ma'am," responded Charlie and started pouring.

In dialog, the quoted phrase should be separated from the non-quoted phrase using a comma (unless using a special punctuation character like a question mark or an exclamation point).

Hope that helps.

 

[silverwhisper]

lustin: reviewed it and gave comments. i'd say you've got a lot of material here to go on for fueling future chapters. i would have preferred a little more exploration and tentativeness as hotcappuccino described but that's perhaps merely a preference issue and i won't hold that against you. i also recognize that these are things that might be addressed in future chapters as well.

but yes, you definitely have the room to go. btw: why is this not in loving wives rather than mature?

ed