Feedback wanted on first story

[pointilistic]

Hi all,

I was hoping to get feedback on my first story. This is probably the first story I have finished in some ten years and I enjoyed every moment of writing it, but I would love to hear what others think of it beyond the votes.

It is a cross dresser/first time gay male story lightly wrapped in a sci-fi chiffon.

Thank you.

http://www.literotica.com/s/2053-submission

 

[PennLady]

I read it and I'm not quite sure what to think. My main impression is confusion -- I could make little sense out of who was who, where they were and what they were doing before Martin and Talan were alone and having sex.

The sex scene was fine. Sorry, don't mean anything by that except that it's not the type of thing that turns me on so it didn't excite me that way. But it was decently written and paced and I never lost track of who was doing what to whom.

 

[sr71plt]

I doubt there is a weaker word in the English language to start a story off with than "It," especially when "it" is never clarified. I'll have to agree with Penn Lady on the character confusion. By the time that possibly the fifth character, Astor, shows up without a map in place on who any of the others are and what description goes with which character, I decided not to go on. It might have settled down to pure gold, but I was gone.

Needed some--but not much--punctuation help that it didn't get, and I don't think the choice of the word "vignette" was the best one. Although the dictionary definition permits for a vignette to be a visual image, it's most usually assumed to be something in writing when it appears in writing like this. So, I think "image" or "symbol" would have been better in this context.

 

[emap]

Evil mean sr with the shifty eyes.

I'm going to not agree with sr, though he is correct on the it, what the heck is it. I figure it being the lights from the neon but well try using something else. Oh hell why not, just a little example, first paragraph and well tone it down on the big words. Most of the readers couldn't find correct grammar if it sat on their nose. Big words like appendages will only confuse them more.

First what you put.

It glistened in the neon twilight that filtered in through the dirty windows overlooking Union Square. Waves of excitement washed over Martin leaving his face flush and his appendages swollen and heavy. His antique denim pants felt tight now and he summoned all his will to keep from tearing them off.

Now how I would put it.

Light gleams in through the dirty windows overlooking Union Square. Waves of excitement wash over Martin leaving his face flush and the rest of him heavy. His tired old jeans feel tight now and he summons all his will to keep from tearing them off.

Now keep in mind I changed to present tense. How I do it, and honestly it's better than being past tense. Especially important if you do things like fight scenes and shoot outs. For just erotic it doesn't really matter that much and it is basically a personal thing. People like both, just pick what you use and stick with it.

As I said already, tone it down, big words don't really do anything except make me think you are a moron trying to talk up to Hawking. Seriously, see something like the paragraph you did and I instantly get an image of the janitor trying to impress Stephen Hawking with words.

Besides the fact that most people online can't string an actual sentence together, it works better to speak like a regular old everyday person unless you are writing dialogue from a couple scientists at work. Hell even then they only use big words when they have to or looking to do janitor to Hawking except they are trying to impress the guy with money to get a grant.

 

[sr71plt]

Are we going to hear what it is that you don't agree with me about, emap, or are you having attention span problems? (And it's just me you disagree with, not Penn Lady too? So, what, you claim it couldn't use a bit of help with punctuation? Cause I was just agreeing with Penn Lady on the character confusion bit.)

I think this could sustain your present tense suggestion for, oh, about a paragraph and a half and then the reader would be gone, by the way. It's got enough trouble going for it at the beginning without you heaping your trouble on it, don't you think?

And maybe, for the future, you could try showing some class and just help the questioner without adding the personal attacks on someone else.

 

[emap]

Try reading farther, I did and present tense or not is a personal thing, I said this already.

I can do personal attacks if you want, obviously you can't take a joke anyway.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm almost certain I wrote this story, back in 1967, for use as our class poem or the prom poem or something. Its e.e.cummings at his best, and he was the man in 1967.


Your story reminds me of my cousin, Everett. Everett's into Civil War re-enacting big time. He has a horse and everything. If Disney had a Civil War ride Everett would fit right in. He looks like the real McCoy.

But the appearance is no improvement over taxidermy. Asked to appraise his authenticity I asked, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU ATE BAKED KITTEN OR SLOW GRILLED A RAT OVER AN OPEN FIRE? THERE ARE RECIPES FOR BAKED KITTEN, YUH KNOW.

Lee's hungry men collected undigested corn from mule shit, and starving Union prisoners did the same to each other down at Andersonville. Air Force chow in Vietnam was so bad we stole cases of C rations from the army (then smothered it with tobasco sauce).

So decent military food is a transgenders wet dream, and total bullshit.

 

[PennLady]

I'd disagree with emap on a few points, although like he and SR, that opening "It" is no good because "It" is never defined. Or is defined too far away; eventually I guessed that "It" was the penis belonging to the guy with the pink wig. But I could be wrong.

I would also agree with emap that there's too much description; along with all the characters, it was just too much to try to keep in mind.

I don't think present tense would help (or necessarily hurt) the story. Verb tense is not the problem here, although as long as it's consistent, it probably doesn't matter. I generally prefer past tense but have read plenty in present tense and as long as the author is consistent, it works.

 

[sr71plt]

I can do personal attacks if you want,

Yes, you certainly can. With no particular reason at all.

 

[pointilistic]

Thank you for the feedback. It is helpful and I will do my best to apply it when I write the next story.

I agree that it is difficult to follow the narrative. I guess I pictured it in my head. A fresh look would have probably made it more obvious. I don't know that I would feel comfortable writing in the present tense, but I will give it try to see if it works for me.

Thanks again.